I Wish You All the Best(22)

Hannah freezes. “What about them? They didn’t come here, did they?” Hearing their names, it’s like a switch flips inside her.

I shake my head and tried to clear my throat.

“I don’t know if it was them.” I wipe my eyes. “There was a car. It pulled into the driveway, and there was someone at the door.” Now it feels like I’ve breathed too much, like the air is going to poison me.

Hannah turns and mouths something to Thomas, but I can’t tell what it is. He nods and vanishes down the hallway.

“Ben?” Hannah turns back to me. “Do you want anything to drink?”

I shake my head.

“Want me to call Dr. Taylor? Maybe she can help you through this?”

“No, don’t bother her. Please.”

“Well, maybe it wasn’t them,” she offers. “Maybe it was just someone who was lost and turning around? That seems pretty wild, that they’d show up out of the blue, right?” I think she’s trying to talk me down, but it isn’t helping.

“I’m sorry.”

She touches my back gently, almost like she’s scared I’ll break if someone so much as breathes on me too hard. “I know this isn’t easy.”

I turn away from her hand. I can’t deal with touches right now, not even from her. “I’m sorry, I just …”

“No, it’s fine. I’m sorry.” She clasps her hands together. “Maybe you should try to get some rest, okay? We can talk more in the morning.”

I nod slowly, feeling the bed shift as Hannah stands, turning to glance at me one more time before she closes the door behind her. I want to scream, I want to yell, but my voice isn’t much more than a whisper. “Please don’t leave me.”

But it’s too late. She’s gone.

I hear her say something to Thomas. It sounds like he’s still on the phone. But everything just feels so muffled, and I don’t even have the energy to eavesdrop. I pull my knees in closer, wanting to do so many things. Pick up my phone and talk to Mariam, or even get Thomas in here to talk to me. A different voice. Anything to fill the room.

Hannah and Thomas don’t bother me for the rest of the night, even though I’m silently begging them to. I hear their footsteps creeping back and forth, moving between the rooms, I guess. Around midnight, after my back aches from sitting against the wall for so long, I finally pull off my shirt, throw it onto the floor, and crawl underneath my sheets.



In the morning I shuffle into the bathroom, the hot water of the shower calling to me. I don’t want to leave; I want to just stand here. Maybe I’d eventually just drown; that’s easy enough to do in a bathtub, right?

It’s mortifying watching Hannah and Thomas look up from the table in the kitchen, both of their gazes settling on me. I can already see so much of what they’re thinking on their faces. It’s pity and sadness and fear and I fucking hate it so much.

“Hey, kiddo. How’re you doing?” Thomas asks.

“Fine.” I’m pretty sure we all know that’s a lie.

“Why don’t you sit down? I think we need to talk.” Hannah pats at the empty space on the table.

“Do we have to?”

“Yes,” Thomas says, no room for question in his voice.

I force myself to move forward, no point in running back upstairs and hiding in my room all day. Especially if they have a key.

“I think Dr. Taylor needs to know about what happened last night.” Hannah pauses.

“You didn’t call already, did you?” I ask.

Hannah shakes her head. “Didn’t want to do that without you. I remembered the confidentiality stuff and didn’t think you’d be comfortable without me asking you first.”

Maybe she just doubted that I’d ever tell Dr. Taylor myself, or maybe she was so scared of what I might do the next time this happened. “You can call,” I say.

“Do you want to talk to her yourself?” Thomas asks.

“No.” I won’t even know where to start.

“Okay.” Hannah searches through her contacts for Dr. Taylor’s number. I hear it ring for a few seconds, and then the muffled sound of her voice. Is she actually in her office on a Saturday? “Hey, Dr. Taylor. It’s Hannah Waller. Ben’s sister? I just, um … I don’t really know where to begin with this.”

There’s some noise, the sound of someone talking.

“No, yeah. Ben is fine. Well, kind of. They’re right here. But last night, there was an incident. I think it might’ve been a panic attack or something. And we just wanted you to be aware of it.”

Dr. Taylor says something else.

“Yes. I understand. Okay.” Hannah puts her hand over the phone. “She wants to know if you want to meet earlier than next Thursday?”

I shrug, a non-answer. But Hannah accepts it.

“If you don’t mind,” Hannah says. “Mhmm. Yes, thank you. I’ll bring them Monday right after school. Thank you, have a nice weekend.” Hannah ends the call. “Sorry.” She gives me a guilty look.

“It’s whatever,” I tell her. Maybe I’m actually a little happy she took the lead on this one. I don’t know, I think if I’d actually told them what I wanted to do, I might’ve said no.