I Wish You All the Best(15)

Such a contrast to the other nonbinary people I’ve seen online. Their smooth, hairless, acneless faces, their trimmed hair that always seems perfect. These things I could never be. Because no matter how hard I will it, my body isn’t how I want to see myself. Not that there’s anything wrong with those kinds of enby people, I just … it’s hard to describe. Bodies are fucking weird, especially when it feels like you don’t belong in your own. But it’s too late for things like puberty blockers, and surgery isn’t something I want.

Hell, even my name isn’t very “neutral.” It’s a boy’s name, even if there really isn’t such a thing. But changing it is long, and complicated, and I don’t even know what I’d change it to. I’m Ben; that’s just who I am.

I don’t know what I really want, but it isn’t this body. It’s almost like it knows, with the way it taunts me. It takes everything I have not to climb back into bed, even though I know Hannah won’t let me miss this appointment. “What is wrong with me?” I whisper.

I just need to make it through half a day. That’s it. Hannah’s going to pick me up before lunch and take me to the appointment. But even half a day feels like it will be too much. I breathe in and out. I can do this.

“I don’t think I can do this,” I whisper to myself.



“So where are you going during lunch?” Nathan leans over the counter, head tilted to the side like a puppy.

We’re sitting in Chemistry. Thomas finished the lesson early today, so I decided to get a jump on all the homework I’ve been given. It’s a lot to handle after just a few days, especially since I’ve apparently missed the deadline on a few things. I also have to play catch-up in a few classes. I’m pretty much good in Art and Calculus, and Thomas promised me he’d help me catch up in Chemistry. But I can already tell I’m going to need a tutor for English. I’ve never been good at the whole paper-writing thing anyway. Too many rules that are too hard to remember.

“What do you mean?” I rub at my eyes. All this stuff is starting to blend together. Dozens of signature lines and trying to figure out how much everything is going to cost me here. Or, I guess, cost Hannah.

“I mean, we have the same lunch period, but I haven’t seen you there once.” Nathan sticks up his hand.

“I go somewhere else,” I say, not really interested in this conversation.

But clearly he is. “Where?”

“Does it matter?” I sigh, shoving all the papers back into my bag, zipping it up with a little too much satisfaction. It hasn’t taken me long to figure out the quad is the “official-unofficial” smoking area. What they smoke varies between them all apparently, but they leave me alone and I leave them alone. It’s quickly becoming one of the best relationships I have at this school.

I did the same thing at Wayne, except there wasn’t a courtyard or anything like it, so I used the back entrance of the gym. The one no one really thought about. There, I could be alone. I never had to worry about someone finding me or bothering me or asking me what I was working on.

“I’m just wondering. Plus I’m your accountabilibuddy.” Nathan cracks a smile.

I just stare at him with a blank look. “My what?”

“I’m supposed to look out for you.”

“You were just supposed to show me my classes.”

“Are you okay? You seem a little irritable.”

“I’m fine,” I lie.

“Okay, Mr. Attitude.” Nathan chuckles.

“Please don’t call me that.” I rub my eyes again, like I could just wipe away the tired, burning feeling inside. I don’t even know if I’m talking more about the “Mr.” part or the “Attitude.”

“It’s okay, man.”

I think I sound angrier than I mean to. He’s just asking a question, after all. I guess I’m just stressed out about this appointment.

To Nathan’s credit, he doesn’t look offended. “You should come to lunch with me sometime, my friends want to meet you.”

“I’ll think about it.” I lean forward, burying my head in my backpack, already actively planning to never think about it. This morning has been a mess, and I’m sure it’s not about to get any better. “Doesn’t matter today though.” The phone on Thomas’s desk starts to ring, probably the front office.

“Why?”

“I have a doctor’s appointment. I’m leaving after this period.”

“Oh, urologist?” he asks with probably the straightest face I’ve ever seen.

“What? No,” I sputter. “And why was that your first guess? Never mind.”

“Relax, man.” Nathan starts to pack up his own bag. “I’m playing with you.”

“Yeah.”

“Ben.” Thomas hangs up the phone. “They’re ready for you in the office.”

“Good luck,” Nathan whispers when I push my seat under the counter. A few of my new classmates glare at me as I make my way to the door, backpack thrown over my shoulder. Thankfully Thomas avoided any lengthy introductions, which probably means that everyone here is still wondering about this weird-ass kid who’s randomly been put in their class.

“Ready to go?” Hannah grabs her purse as I push through the doors of the front office.