I Shall Be Near to You(78)

The Company is scattered under the broad-leafed trees, hardly a soul talking. Me and Jeremiah make our way to Will and Sully. Sully sits quiet on the ground, his eyes dull and hard, and he ain’t a dog straining at his tether no more. Seeing him so still gets me wondering what changes the boys might see in me, if they’re even looking. We’ve all seen things we never hoped or dreamed, done things we ain’t planned. My life back home weren’t near so bad as I thought.

As soon as me and Jeremiah sit down, Will says, ‘There’s something on my heart, making me think of how, before the Battle of Jericho, the Lord told Joshua: “Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the Lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest.” I feel the Lord in this day.’

‘I don’t know about the Lord,’ Ambrose says. ‘I’ve found it more expedient getting my strength elsewhere,’ and he pats the pocket where he keeps his flask.

Will’s words don’t make me feel better either. Especially not once we get our orders before it’s even past milking time and my only hope is that they keep us in reserve again this time. We shoulder our muskets and get into formation, our Company blending in with the lines of all the others, rows and rows of blue soldiers. Our Regiment and two others march across a ragged field, moving toward the woods ahead. The horns of the Regimental band out in front float back to us through the fog, through the noise of cannonading, but what I listen for is the swish of our legs through tall grass. Then the swish is gone and we are marching through plowed farmland, our feet quilting new lines in the harrowed soil. The sound of artillery gets louder and our own batteries blast over our heads. It is too much to think we ain’t going to battle now when they are working to clear the way for us. My heart pounds and my mouth is so dry but I’ve got to keep moving, and anyhow my feet wouldn’t stop now even if I told them to, they’ve got to keep themselves lined up right next to Jeremiah’s; as long as I am with him, it will be all right. It has always been all right.

At a field of corn grown up taller than any of us, the ears ripe with browning and drying tassels, Sergeant orders us into line of battle, and we stand like our own crop, waiting, wondering who is going to be picked off.

Up and down the rows of corn, men check their rifles, making sure they’ve got them loaded, and I do the same. Every swallow turns to a gag. Jeremiah’s face, drawn and more pale than ever, brings sorrow crashing through me. I look straight up to the sky and hope Will is right.

Then Sergeant yells, ‘Forward, March!’ as we watch that first line of men disappear into the corn, the rows scarcely wider than their shoulders, the leaves swallowing them as soon as they are two steps in. We are not in reserve. We are being put forward, but there is nothing to do now because the next line steps forward and we do too and it is like I can feel the throbbing of every heart in the line stretching to my left and right.

‘Ross!’ Jeremiah yells, and I turn to him. ‘You’re sure?’

Something makes me think he knows what I’ve been hiding, but I just put my left hand on my heart and nod and then we step forward into the corn. In between the musket volleys and shelling, a dry rustling is all around me as every one of us pushes through the stalks. I can’t see Jeremiah and my heart goes to hammering in my ears so I keep my mind on that. With each step the air changes, the light growing brighter. A new crack of muskets tells me our first boys are through the corn and that is waiting for us too.

And then there’s the last of the corn and volleys of gunshots come, but I step forward. Already there are boys lying on the ground screaming, a haze of smoke mixing with the fog still hanging over the ground, the smell of gunpowder thick in the air, mixing with shit and the rusty smell of blood. I’ve got to see Jeremiah, I’ve got to know he is there so I press forward, stepping fast over Union and Confederate boys lying on the ground toward the line of Rebels hiding behind the snake-rail fence. And then everything around me slows down and I can see it so clear. A dark shape moves and I aim. My rifle fires loud in my ear but there’s no way to tell if that bullet hits its mark. I look to my right but Jeremiah and Sully ain’t there. On my left, Will is hunched down next to me. I slap him on the shoulder, startling him into a run as more yelling boys crowd up from behind us. All I can think is to find Jeremiah. I fumble with my cartridge box and rammer and then I get the feel of it and load charge ram prime fire again and again. Bodies are falling around me—no, not falling, not dropping—they are knocked right out of the lines, men and things flying through the air.

We stand there plain as day for those Rebels to fire volleys into, them safe behind that fence, not three hundred paces away. As soon as that thought goes through my mind, I get myself low, crouching and firing, and then, moving through the smoke is Jeremiah, just up ahead.

There is a loud crack right in front of me and a wrenching in my hands and my musket spins away from me. My hands sting and burn but they look whole and then I get smart and throw myself flat on the ground, looking for my rifle. It ain’t anywhere but there’s a boy lying curled like he is a baby sleeping and I crawl to him on my belly. I yank his rifle away from him and he don’t even wake, and then I see that D brand on his face. At least dying like this means Levi’s family will never know what he done, and there ain’t time to wonder if that is better.

I stay low, my head almost against Levi’s belly, hiding behind him as best I can, keeping myself safe. His rifle is still loaded so I prop myself up, firing over Levi into that fence line of Rebels and I load charge ram prime again faster than ever, the whole time wondering where Jeremiah has got to now. Everywhere are running boys and galloping horses and smoke and noise and the bullets coming fast like a hailstorm. They don’t even scare me no more, those bullets buzzing all around. You’ve just got to move as fast as you can and not let yourself think on them, not let yourself think on anything, and that is what I do.