I Shall Be Near to You(69)

‘Henry ain’t dead,’ Jeremiah says. ‘He’s still out there.’

‘Sure he is,’ Edward says. ‘Bet he’ll be joining us any day now.’

I let myself think on deserting. Only instead of going to keep watch over Jimmy’s grave like Henry must’ve done, there’s me and Jeremiah walking through the dusty yard, pushing open the door to our Little House, sitting down at Mama and Papa’s table to tell them the news about a grandbaby on the way. But I get that far and my brain says no no no no. Neither of us is going to live easy if we put aside this duty we signed on for, if the red-hot branding iron is always burning in the back of our minds. There’s no going back and pretending we never left, and I ain’t going home to nothing but waiting when all I’ve got is a sick feeling. Maybe that feeling ain’t nothing but nerves.

Will comes shambling over, and Sully turns his back on Edward when he says, ‘Chaplain Will! Now we might be going off to Maryland, guess I’ll wait a few more days and ask the Good Lord for forgiveness right before I die. What do you think about that?’

‘You’re not worried you won’t get that chance?’ Will asks him.

‘Well, see now, I’m worried about other things I mightn’t get the chance for—liquor and gambling and women. Mostly women,’ Sully says, and I wonder how he can be poking fun, after everything.

‘Aren’t you worried about your future self?’ Will asks. ‘How do you expect to ever find yourself a wife of noble character, if you aren’t virtuous yourself?’

‘Aw, Chaplain! Stop quoting the Bible at me! Any wife I find won’t have to know a thing about my sins, and God knows I’ve got the best intentions. He’s hearing me right now, saying I aim to be good and sorry for doing the things I ain’t done yet. And if I can get all the benefits of a wife for a few bits, well, the Good Lord wants us to be happy, now don’t he?’

‘That’s not how salvation works,’ Will says, and then he is looking at me. ‘You’ve got to be penitent. You’ve got to regret those things you’ve done, and struggle against that sin in your heart. What you’re talking about doesn’t sound like turning away from sin.’

‘This mean you ain’t getting a new deck of cards?’ I ask, wondering if Will is talking about what he tried with me in the woods.

Sully don’t give him a chance to answer.

‘Ain’t none of us playing poker, not with Henry and Jimmy gone,’ Sully says, his voice gravelly with feeling. ‘Ain’t the same. But no. I ain’t turning away from sin. I don’t care what Chaplain Will here says. I’m running right into it. God knows if he gave me time to find a wife, then I wouldn’t be in this position.’

Jeremiah says, ‘My soul ain’t the only thing thanking the Lord I already found a wife of noble character, and I didn’t even spend a single ruby neither.’

I blush at Jeremiah talking bawdy like that about me, about things we’ve done. I ain’t ever heard joking like that from him before. Sully laughs and winks at me, making my face go so hot I’ve got to turn away, especially thinking how noble is the last word Jeremiah might call me if he knew the secret I ain’t found a way to tell him yet.

‘It isn’t right, blaming God for your sins,’ Will says, like he can’t see how Sully’s already made up his mind.

‘I don’t blame God so much as the Union Army,’ Jeremiah says, so quiet I almost don’t hear it.

‘I ain’t saying my sinning is God’s fault,’ Sully says. ‘What I’m saying is I ain’t willing to risk dying and never tasting horizontal refreshments, pardon my frankness. Not if God is going to let so many good boys die out there. Now, I’ve got some idea Captain ain’t going to turn down a request or two for passes to the Capital, so you want to join me for a night on the town, Will? Or you going to stay here and deny how hungry you are?’

‘I’m all full up,’ I say.

Sully snorts and then Jeremiah and he both get to laughing for the first time since we marched on the Warrenton Turnpike.

Finally Jeremiah stops and then he looks at me and says, ‘I ain’t hungry neither.’

That almost sets them off again, but then Sully’s face goes sullen.

‘You mean, there ain’t no one to come with me?’ He says it like the idea is a toy that just broke and lost all its sheen.

Hiram walks over from where he’s been sitting and slaps Sully’s back, holding up what he’s been carving, a coarse white ring.

‘You know what this is?’ he asks.

All of us stare at him, at that thick circle of some boy’s backbone resting on his palm. There’s worse things than the pulling inside Jeremiah’s been doing.

‘It’s a little something I found at Bull Run,’ he says. ‘I’m sending this ring to a gal I like to play stink-finger with sometimes, to keep her thinking about my finer qualities. But have I ever got a treat for you! I’ll show you a good f*cking establishment or two.’

All I can think is how if Henry hadn’t left and Jimmy weren’t gone, Sully wouldn’t have to go anywhere with the likes of Hiram. But Sully steps off with Hiram, something like a smile pasted to his face, a hollow laugh coming out of him when Hiram says, ‘You and me can give those old whores fits!’