I Shall Be Near to You(19)

I let myself get lost in the music of it—Sergeant calling, our feet tramping, the men breathing around me. That is the only way I can keep from wondering what it is that makes Jeremiah elbow Sully or shake his head at Jimmy. Finally we are done and Sergeant dismisses Company G to their tents. But then instead of excusing us, he shouts, ‘Private Stone, come forward!’

I don’t know what could make Sergeant call me out except he has seen me for what I am. I walk to Sergeant slowly, looking away past where Jeremiah stands, feeling the men watching, hoping Sergeant will send the rest of the Company off before he drums me out of the Regiment.

I stop next to the first row of men, but Sergeant waves me to him, has me face the Company. My throat closes right up and if Sergeant asks me to say a thing for myself, I won’t have the breath to do it. I look to Jeremiah. He is staring right back at me and the moment our eyes meet, he knows me.




BUT THEN SERGEANT’S voice booms, ‘Which of you has space in your tent for our new recruit, Private Stone?’

Jeremiah’s face is blank as ice, colder than the wind blowing off the river, but his hand shoots up fast. A few other hands come up besides, but I keep looking on Jeremiah, willing him to help me. And then Jeremiah calls, ‘Sir, permission to speak?’

I have never seen Jeremiah so serious or heard him sound so proper, not even asking Papa for my hand.

‘Granted,’ Sergeant says.

‘The new recruit is my kin,’ Jeremiah says, ‘and there’s room in my tent.’

Sully’s head jerks toward Jeremiah’s, and I let out the breath I didn’t know I was holding. I don’t know if I should be glad Jeremiah has seen me right away and if it means he will let me stay or if I should still be scared of what he’ll do.

‘In that case,’ Sergeant says, ‘Private Stone will join with you. Company, dismissed!’

I stand there while the lines scatter and boys and men walk away, heading across the field toward their tents. After a moment there is only the boys from Flat Creek left, and me along with them. I stay where I am, planted in that field, and finally Jeremiah comes toward me, his face stern, his mouth straight like his Ma’s. I’m afraid to look at the others.

When they get close Jeremiah says, ‘You all go on ahead.’ His voice is so flat that the others stay quiet. Not even Sully has a joke before they walk off.

For the first time I feel the aching in my knees and the emptiness of my stomach and the sleep I ain’t had and then it is like the grit just washes out of me. All I want now is to put my arms around him. My mouth opens, but no sound comes out. We stand there staring at each other in the empty field, far-off laughter coming from the tents, the wind ruffling Jeremiah’s hair.

‘Rosetta—’ Jeremiah starts.

‘Ross,’ I say. ‘You’ve got to call me Ross.’

‘What are you doing here? I told you, you weren’t to come!’

‘I’m a soldier. Like you.’

‘A soldier? But, you didn’t really—You’re not serious.’

I stand up straight and say loud, ‘I ain’t funning. I did it. I enlisted.’

‘I can’t believe Captain Chalmers—’

‘It’s already done. I signed the ledger and everything. I’m getting paid, same as you.’

‘Rosetta—’

‘Ross!’

‘You can’t—What are you thinking?’

‘When you left, I couldn’t … I tried … You left me!’

‘That was the plan! I was going to get the money for our farm!’ he yells, his fists clenched at his sides, his face red. I have never seen him look so mad. ‘That was always the plan!’

‘I can’t live that way! And I can’t go back now, not after—’ I stop before I say too much.

‘Why can’t you?’ he asks.

‘You think I can go home looking like this? After I already enlisted? You think your folks will have me when I just up and left and didn’t say a thing about where I was going?’

Jeremiah shakes his head. ‘This is too much. You’ve got to go home. You can’t run about doing whatever you please.’

‘Is that it, then? You tell me what to do now? You ain’t listened to me one word when I said I didn’t want you doing this thing, so I don’t see why I’ve got to do what you say neither.’

‘But you can’t stay here! You’re a—you’re not—’ He lowers his voice to a hiss. ‘You’re a married woman, for Christ’s sake!’

‘I don’t see what being married has got to do with it, save for me wanting to be with my husband.’

He kicks a frozen clod of mud, making it go to pieces in the air. ‘I want you safe!’

I think on Eli shoving me down, his hand wrenching, stitches ripping, fingers digging into my skin. I don’t know how to say those things to Jeremiah. I don’t want to see how it changes the way he looks at me. I don’t want to see him take on the weight of knowing the whole of it.

So I say something else.

‘It’s too hard with you gone. What friends have I got with you all leaving me?’

‘Did you ever even think about the boys? You think they’ll want you here? You think they’ll be happy you’ve come?’ He has got himself worked up so he can’t hear a thing I say.