I Must Betray You(30)

I burst from the closet and bolted out of our apartment, still clutching the note.

I had no plan. No outline in my notebook. But something inside of me churned, driving me toward Liliana. Did she think I was spending time with her just to get information?

I banged on her apartment door.

Alex appeared. “Lili,” he said over his shoulder, “your boyfriend’s here.”

Whispering hissed behind the door.

“Oh, sorry.” Alex shrugged. “She’s not home.” He shut the door.

I knocked again. And again. And again and again until the door finally opened.

“Look, she doesn’t want to see you. Keep it up and I’ll take care of that hand. You won’t be able to knock anymore,” said Alex.

Adrenaline, molecular courage. Every nerve ending blazed within me. “Oh yeah, Alex? Step out in the hallway and we’ll see whose hands survive.”

“Are you threatening me, Cristi? I’d destroy you.”

“Try it, p?mp?l?ule.”

“La dracu!” He grabbed me by the collar.

Liliana appeared and grabbed her brother, pulling him back. “Stop!”

“Worried I’ll kill your lovebird?” he spat.

“Shut up, Alex.” Liliana rushed by me and headed down the stairs. I ran to follow.

We pushed through the door and walked around the side of her building.

“What, now you want to fight my brother?”

“If that’s what it takes to speak with you.” I pulled the note from my pocket.

“What is this? Did you write it?”

“Yes, I wrote it.”

“Why?”

“You’re asking me why?” Her mouth hung open in disgust. “The Secu pulled my father out of work,” she whispered. “They questioned him about bringing bones home, accused him of stealing from the Party.”

“What?”

“Yes!” she gasped, whispering at the top of her lungs.

“Liliana, I told no one. I swear to you. Someone else must know you give bones to the dogs.”

“Really? And they saw that I had a real Coke too?”

I took a step back. “Someone saw us drinking the Coke?”

“Oh, please. Stop the act, Cristian. You make me sick.”

“Liliana, you’re wrong. I told no one.”

“I’m right. And I’m an idiot! You know why? Because I liked you.” Her breath hitched. “I really liked you. Oh, he’s so smart and interesting. We understand each other. You really had me fooled. How many other girls are you seeing for information?”

“I’m only seeing you. And not for information. I’m spending time with you because I like you. I’ve liked you for years. You know that. Lil—” I reached for her and she recoiled.

She stared at me and her eyes filled with tears. “How could you? Really, why, Cristian? I liked you so much. So much that now I hate you.”

She turned and fled.

My knees went slack. I stood, swaying, still clutching the note.

What had happened?

It had taken years to get close to Liliana.

And now she hated me. Yes.

But not as much as I hated myself.





33


    TREIZECI ?I TREI




I hear them.

The clapping men.

Clapping.

The image is blurred and then I realize.

There’s a plastic bag over my head, cinched at the neck.

Where did it come from?

Breathe! shout the clapping men. Breathe! they chant in unison.

I tug at the bag. I tug at the band squeezing my neck. I look at them.

I can’t breathe. I can’t obey their command with a bag over my head. I’m losing air.

A swarm of black Dacias arrives, full of agents in leather coats.

Breathe! they yell from the windows of the cars. Breathe!

“I can’t,” I croak.

The sea of clapping men parts. A small man in a rumpled suit approaches.

“Leader,” I plead. “Help me.”

Ceau?escu raises his right hand as if to bless me. To save me.

He then turns his back and slices his palm through the air, conducting the chorus.

Breathe! . . . Breathe! . . . Breathe!



* * *



? ? ?

    I woke up, choking. I stumbled out of the closet, straight to the bathroom, and threw up— Nothing.





34


    TREIZECI ?I PATRU




The crossroads of reality and nightmare. My classmate who cracked—he had been there, trying to escape the suffocation that slithered and pulled tighter.

I didn’t want to be an informer.

But I didn’t want Bunu to die.

Double bind. That was the English term for it.

Luca spotted me the next day. “Cristian, this standoff between us, it’s stupid. Let’s talk,” he said. “You’re not okay.”

I stared at him with disgust. “Are you okay? You know how it is, don’t you, Luca?”

He gave a small nod and looked to his feet. He walked off.

Did Luca have it as bad as I did? Somehow, I doubted it. He looked well rested, probably still recognized himself in the mirror and in his nightmares. Probably didn’t spend nights on the bathroom floor. Even though I still hated Luca for getting me into this, a small part of me hoped he wasn’t suffering like I was.