I Know Who You Are(41)
“I received an email from your husband.”
Time stops.
“What?”
“He wanted to let me know that you weren’t coping with the pressure you’ve been under. I’m aware that you’ve basically made two films this year, which is a lot, even for an experienced actor. I want you to know that you can tell me if it’s ever all too much. It is okay to say no to things from time to time. There are things, and people, I can protect you from.”
“I don’t know why he got in touch with you, I’m fine. Honestly.”
He stares at me for a long time. “Is everything all right at home?”
“Yes.” I’ve never lied to Tony before, it feels all wrong. “Actually, no, but it will be, soon. I hope.”
He nods, looks down at a script on his desk. “Good, because the other reason I wanted to see you is that a director has been in touch about another movie. They wanted you to fly out to L.A. for an audition last week, but I said no on your behalf, seeing as I knew your filming schedule wouldn’t allow it. So, the director and his team are coming to London next week, specifically to meet you. I think the part is pretty much yours already … if you want it. The job won’t start for at least a month, so you’ll get a little time off…”
“Who is the director? Is it someone I’ve heard of?”
“Oh, yes.” He smiles.
“Who?”
“Fincher.”
I wait a moment, wanting to be sure I’ve heard him correctly. I conclude I haven’t.
“Fincher?”
“Yes.”
It must be a mistake or a really mean trick of some kind.
“Are you sure it’s me he wants to meet? Maybe they meant Alicia?”
I stare at him, looking for something in his face that isn’t there. “I don’t represent Alicia White anymore. There’s no mistake. What is it going to take for you to start believing in yourself?”
I travel back through time and space. I’m at school, in my drama teacher’s office, just after he gave me the part of Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz, even though I was too scared to audition. My agent reminds me of that teacher a little bit. I don’t understand why either of these people took a chance on me, but I’m so grateful that they did. My life might not have turned out exactly how I wanted, but sometimes I feel so lucky I swear it hurts. And this is one of those times.
“Thank you,” I say eventually, finding my way back to the present.
Tony is pulling that face he pulls when he has another meeting fast approaching and needs me to go away, but doesn’t know how to say it. I stand to leave, relieved that he hasn’t read any of the online nonsense written about me today.
“Aimee.” I turn back. I can see from his face that I’ve got that wrong, too, of course he’s read it, he reads bloody everything. But I’m surprised to see that he’s wearing his kind face, not the disappointed-father one I expected. “If you only remember one thing that I tell you while I’m your agent, then I hope it’s this. You should always fight, especially when you think you are going to lose. That’s when you should fight the hardest.”
“Thank you,” I whisper, and leave before he can see me cry.
Thirty-three
Essex, 1988
Today is my birthday.
Not my real one in September, Maggie said I had to forget about that. Today is my new birthday, the one in April, and she says that I am seven years old. Even though I am only really six.
I don’t mind that I have a different name and birthday now, I’m starting to like it here. Maggie buys me little presents all the time, and even John got me something today. Maggie got all upset when he gave it to me, and he looked at the floor and played with his new beard, the way he always does when she gets cross. Then he said something that I can’t get out of my head, as if his words got stuck between my ears or something. “A child needs company.” I understood what he meant, but I think he’s wrong about that. I like being on my own.
I was still happy that he bought me a hamster though. I’ve named him Cheeks.
Cheeks doesn’t do much. He lives in a cage and sleeps a lot. Sometimes he likes to go for a run on his wheel. He runs and runs and runs, but he never gets anywhere. I wonder if he minds. Maggie does not like the hamster; she refuses to call him Cheeks and calls him Vermin instead, which does not sound like a nice name to me.
Maggie got me something called a Walkman, so that I can listen to my Story Teller tapes and elocution lessons without her and John having to listen too. I’m getting pretty good at sounding English so that I can go to school in September, and my Walkman is very cool. I’ve worn the headphones all day long, even when I wasn’t listening.
John got Maggie a present today, too, even though it is my pretend birthday, not hers. It was wrapped in the same She-Ra paper as my presents, and I felt a little bit funny about not being allowed to open it. She-Ra is a princess of power and my new favorite thing. She lives in a castle, flies around on a horse, and stops bad people from doing bad things. I would like to be like She-Ra when I grow up.
John said that Maggie deserved a present, too, because today is a special day for her as well. He said it is the day she brought a life into the world. He looked at me when he said that, but it wasn’t me he was talking about. I might only be six or seven, but I’m not stupid. Maggie didn’t look at me when he said it, she looked at the picture of the little girl inside a frame on the mantelpiece. She cried a little bit, but pretended it was her hay fever that made her do it, then she wiped the lie away with a tissue. I suppose it was just a white one.