How to Kill Your Family(36)

I did not move another inch. Instead I fixed my eyes on the sweaty man’s profile as he tried to get the barman’s eye. If someone stares at you long enough, you eventually have to return the gaze. It took the guy a minute, but he finally looked at me.

‘You just knocked my drink out of my hand,’ I said, not moving my face, not moving any part of my body. Not blinking.

‘I’m trying to get a drink, love, give me a break,’ he said, and turned away again. I felt fury build up, my face getting hot.

‘You spilled my drink. What are you going to do about that?’ The man turned towards me again, clenching his fist on the bar.

‘You’re not getting free drinks off me. I’m not an idiot.’ He gestured to his mate, a dismissive shrug. Just as I was about to explode with rage, Lee appeared between us. He blocked my view of his burly mate and put his hands together as if in prayer.

‘I’m so sorry about my friend, darling, he’s no gentleman but I can see that he’s cost you a nice glass of wine and I’d very much like to buy you another one to make up for it.’ He grinned at me, clasping his hands around my own and bringing them up to rest on the bar, signalling to the waiter to bring me a new drink.

And that is how I got chatting to my uncle. He was charming, in the way that my mother used to say that Simon was. All gab and smiles. The confidence to take control and take liberties without any real offence. I allowed him to order me wine. I didn’t tell him I was having a Martini. I didn’t object when he picked one I didn’t much like, and I didn’t flinch when he touched my hands without asking. There was nothing likeable or interesting in his behaviour, it was more that he’d grown up confident that he was an all-powerful man and acted as though everyone else knew it too. Men like that get away with an unbelievable amount. Even if you hate that kind of attitude, it’s hard to push back against it sometimes. And then later, you hate yourself for enabling it.

Lee made his friend, who he called ‘Scotty dog’, apologise to me, before releasing him back into the bar where he promptly headed towards a door to the left of the bar.

‘Doesn’t waste time does Scott,’ winked Lee. ‘So what brings a girl like you to a place like this then?’

I told him my friend had recommended these gatherings as a good place to start if you were thinking about getting involved in the scene. Lee nodded. ‘It’s a vanilla crowd, nothing too raunchy happens here, bit of shagging, some nice girl-on-girl stuff. Less hardcore than I like but it’ll do for a rainy Thursday.’

‘What do you like then?’ I asked, feeling increasingly aware that this sounded very much like flirting and having to quash the slight nausea that I could sense rising up. Hard not to sound like you’re flirting at a sex party though, even a discussion about council tax would end up coming across as suggestive when you’re fifteen feet away from people having sex with strangers.

He tilted his head and smiled at me. I could see he was only now looking at my face properly, taking the time to actually pay attention. He was sizing me up, either as a proposition or as an oddity. I sipped my drink and tried not to look coquettish. If he wanted to tell me about his sexual proclivities that was one thing, but I wouldn’t try and seduce them out of him.

‘That’s bold, considering we’ve still got our clothes on, missy.’ Lee smirked and checked his watch, a big silver Rolex dotted with diamonds which flung a glittery reflection onto the bar top. ‘It’s not stuff good girls like you want to know about, trust me. Try this place out for starters, then we’ll talk.’

The fresh-faced ingénue approach wasn’t working. I was boring him already.

‘What, you like being humiliated, is that your thing? Big rich guy, never told no, gets treated like a prince but really wants someone to reflect his own sneaking sense of failure back at him? Or maybe you like being hit. Really smacked about. Or is it that you want to get fucked? You’re not gay, oh no heaven forbid, but you want someone to push you down and dominate you? It’s not that interesting, honestly. You think your fetishes are unique or different? They’re not, mate, I assure you.’

That made him laugh. Men often laugh with surprise when they find women funny, as though it’s a skill we’re not expected to possess. Lee was engaged again now, I’d won him back. My dignity took huge knocks while I tried to rid the world of this awful family. The end result would be worth it, of that I had no doubt, but hanging out in Marbella, digging up weeds at a nature centre and now talking about sex with my uncle … it was certainly a trial. In a funny way it reminded me of a line from Sense and Sensibility: ‘The rent here may be low but I believe we have it on very hard terms.’

‘Hard to impress, aren’t you?’ He looked around, as though he were preparing to divulge state secrets. ‘OK, Miss Seen-It-All, I like a bit of choking. Belts, scarves, whatever works. Losing your breath as you edge towards glory. It’s fucking wild, I tell you. I’ve always liked it. I guess some big-brained psychiatrist would say it’s because I nearly drowned in the family pool when I was ten or some nonsense, but who the fuck knows.’

I looked down at his hand pointedly. ‘Does your wife indulge?’ I said, smiling at his wedding ring. ‘I assume she’d like to choke you occasionally.’

To his dubious credit, Lee didn’t even try to look ashamed. ‘My wife is … she’s classy. She ignores some of my pastimes and I let her get on with redesigning our kitchen for the eighteenth time. She acts like an old lady half the time now. I get it, she’s got a good life out of me, that’s the deal with marriage. But men and women are different species, you know? I’ve still got desires. If she doesn’t want to help me with them, she can’t really be too surprised when I look elsewhere.’