How to Kill Men and Get Away With It(73)

Now he was trapped in it, until death.

Saskia had been his carer for a while, but she soon tired of having to feed him through a straw and wipe up his shit. I’m assuming his parents weren’t keen on it either. Which is how he ended up here.

The receptionist gently tapping the door brings me out of my reverie.

‘Here’s your tea, love. I put a couple of sugars in there for the shock. You look pale as a ghost. I thought you were gonna pass out on me for a minute.’ I notice she has a wisp of an Irish accent. She puts the tea down on the bedside cabinet, between Adam and me. ‘You can have a chat with him, you know. We do one blink for “yes” and two for “no”, don’t we, Adam love?’

Adam blinks once.

‘Such a shame, what happened to him. Wrote a great book about ten years ago. They thought he was gonna be the next Dan Brown.’ She pats my arm again as she leaves the room. Adam glares after her. I can’t help but allow a small smile.

‘Still think Dan Brown is commercial bullshit, then?’

Adam blinks once.

‘I’m sorry I haven’t come to see you,’ I say. ‘Do you like it here?’ The room is nice enough but it’s obviously a far cry from his London townhouse. It’s a ridiculous question and we both know it. There’s a floral throw on the bed, which doesn’t disguise the fact that it’s a hospital bed. There are a few pieces of furniture – some shelves with his precious books on them. I guess one of the carers must read to him or something. There are a few pictures of his family. None of Saskia. There’s a flat-screen TV on the wall. I wonder how he changes channels or if he just has to sit in front of whatever the carers put on.

He blinks twice.

I feel the tears falling from my eyes now and I wipe them away with my sleeve. They’re not self-pity, they’re tears for this man whom I’d once loved so dearly and completely. Whom I’d danced and drank and fucked around London with, having – what we thought were – the most incredible conversations but were probably bullshit like everyone else’s, but it was our bullshit and it mattered and I’d ruined it.

I’d ruined him.

‘I really am so sorry, Adam. I am. I didn’t mean for this. I was just so angry. I loved you so much. I would’ve done anything for you.’ I reach for the tea but the sudden movement makes him look startled, afraid. I’m taken aback. ‘Are you scared of me?’

He blinks once.

Shame swallows me. I’d thought this was a fitting punishment for him, but sitting here, looking at the man I once adored with my whole heart, a man who was once so brilliant he could hold the attention of an entire roomful of people, a man now reduced to communicating in blinks, I would do anything to change the past.

‘Why didn’t you tell anyone it was me?’ My voice is childish and whiny. ‘I don’t understand.’

There’s another knock on the door and an older lady pops her head in. She must be mid-forties, her hair is dyed a bright red and styled like a pin-up girl’s. She’s wheeling in a machine with a bag of fluids attached to it. She’s stunning.

‘Hello, Adam love, are you ready for lunch? Oh. You’ve got a visitor. Hello, love. Are you a friend of Adam’s?’

‘I’m Kitty,’ I say.

‘Well, it’s nice to see someone here. Don’t get too many visitors now his parents have moved abroad, the poor love. Talk to him though. He likes that. He likes being read to as well. We’re going through the works of James Joyce at the moment, aren’t we, Adam? We’re on Dubliners. Why don’t you read him a few chapters? I’ll come back in a bit with this. I’m sure he’d appreciate someone other than me or Elise reading.’ She hands me a worn copy of Dubliners and I can picture where it sat on his shelves all those years ago.

My hands are trembling so much they look like I’m having a seizure.

‘Can you ever forgive me?’

One blink and a half. My heart leaps. I love him. And I hate myself.

‘This was a terrible idea coming here. I don’t know what to tell you apart from that I truly truly am sorry. If I could put it right, I would.’

He just stares at me. Cold.

‘Okay, I’m going to go. Can I ask you something before I leave though? Can I come nearer?’

One blink.

I kneel by his feet, my hands on his knees, looking up into those eyes. The man I’d have done anything for. The man who absolutely broke me to pieces.

‘Did you ever really love me?’

There’s long pause and, for the briefest moment, I see a flicker of something in those dark eyes, a tiny glimpse of my first love. He blinks once.

I don’t even realise I’m crying until I’m back in my car.





62


KITTY’S APARTMENT, CHELSEA

Charlie’s cooking something when I get home. It smells wonderful but I know I won’t be able to eat. My mind keeps going back to Adam and what I did to him, intentionally or not, it doesn’t matter. I’ve ruined his life because he cheated. Yes, it sucked and it hurt like fuckery, but I could’ve just keyed his car or slept with his best friend like a normal person. He doesn’t deserve to be where he is. Somehow, I need to make things better for him.

‘Penny for them,’ Charlie says as he comes up behind me and wraps his arms around me.