How to Kill Men and Get Away With It(13)

Joel nods in agreement. ‘They’re more a place to get hookups than meet proper girlfriend material. I mean … not you, obviously. Ah, shit, sorry.’ He hangs his head in mock shame. ‘My mum says I only open my mouth to change feet.’

I laugh. ‘Don’t worry. I forgive you. At least you’re honest.’

‘Girls do the same thing though,’ he says. ‘I’ve messaged loads of girls who’ve made it clear they’re not looking for a relationship. It goes both ways.’

‘It’s probably good to get that conversation out of the way quite quickly,’ I say. ‘So there’s no awkward moment down the line when someone wants more than the other.’ I watch Joel for a moment, trying to spot any flinch in his face. There’s nothing.

‘Okay. So, what are you looking for, Kitty? Relationship? Bit of fun?’ He nudges me in what I suspect is meant to be a playful and flirty manner. Proper banter in physical form.

I do not like it.

‘I’m not sure. I think I’ll know when I find it. What about you?’

‘Same as you really. Looking for someone I click with who doesn’t end up being too clingy.’

‘Was Maisie too clingy?’

‘A bit. Gotta be careful what I say here, ain’t I? Is this a trap? You wired up or something?’ He laughs. ‘She got clingy. No lie, she was texting me all day, every day and would get really upset if I didn’t reply within minutes. It did my head in in the end.’

I’ll give him his credit, he actually looks a bit regretful.

‘I couldn’t take it in the end. I mean, she was a nice girl and decent in bed but …’ he trails off. ‘Sorry. I forgot who I was talking to for a minute. It must mean I feel comfortable with you already.’ He smiles in a way he probably thinks is charming. Twat.

‘How did you break it off? It seems she took it quite badly.’

Joel looks surprised. ‘Is she okay?’

‘Yeah, she’s not about to top herself or anything, she’s a bit confused and sad.’

‘Well, we were never really a thing, so I wouldn’t say we needed to break up.’

‘I don’t think that’s how Maisie saw it.’

‘Yeah, but it wasn’t like we were exclusive or anything. I mean, she was pretty much someone to hook up with.’

‘So, she was just a shag basically?’

‘Well, yeah.’

‘And did Maisie know that?’ My skin begins to prickle.

He at least has the decency to look uncomfortable. ‘We never said we weren’t seeing anyone else. I assumed she knew that it wasn’t serious. Well, not from my point of view anyway.’

Alexa is now playing something by Coldplay. ‘Alexa. Fucking. Skip.’

‘So, what? You just stopped calling her?’

‘Kitty, I don’t really want to keep talking about it if I’m being honest. What’s the point?’

‘Sorry. I’m baffled by how men think it’s easier to just ignore someone than have a conversation with them. It fascinates me.’

It’s hideous.

He takes another huge gulp of wine and lets out a long breath. ‘Why don’t we move into the lounge? It’s much more comfortable in there. Or we could go out?’

‘Lounge would be lovely,’ I say as he moves to top up my wine.

‘Have another one. You can always get an Uber home and pick up your car tomorrow. Unless you’re just here to grill me about your mate?’

I let him pour me more then he guides me through to the lounge, which is as twee as the kitchen, floral fucking everything, and some dodgy-looking shabby-chic furniture. Joel spots me looking at a particularly offensive bookcase and misreads my horror as interest.

‘Mum made that,’ he says. ‘Well, she didn’t make it, she upcycled it. She’s got her own online business and everything.’ He’s so proud I could vomit.

Seriously, you can give anyone a broken-down cabinet and a tin of Farrow & Ball and they think they’re the next big thing in interior design.

‘It’s lovely.’ I smile, checking out the titles on the shelves. I spot the Fifty Shades series tucked in among some other predictable bestsellers and learn all I need to know about Joel’s background.

The shelves are dripping with holiday souvenirs buried among the books. There’s a rather cross-looking brass cat holding its paw up in what looks like a Nazi salute, a wooden elephant, a tribal drum and – in pride of place – a metal sculpture of the Burj Khalifa. I turn my grimace into a smile when Joel catches me staring, wide-eyed.

‘The ’rents’ – he shrugs – ‘they love a bit of travel tat.’

He sits down on one of the floral horror-show sofas and pats the space next to him for me to join him. I sit but make sure I’m at least an arm’s length away.

‘It’s funny, isn’t it? The difference between men and women on dating apps,’ I say. ‘Maisie was really into you. She felt you had a connection.’

He sighs. ‘Kitty, if you’re here to get me to go back out with Maisie, you’re wasting your time. She’s a sweet girl. She really is, but she’s not for me.’

‘So why couldn’t you just tell her that? Why would you leave her thinking she’d done something wrong, or that something awful had happened to you?’