Honey and Spice(58)

“Okay. Great. So, after lectures we’re having lunch and I ask her if she’s pissed off at me. My girl says no, she’s fine, she’s cool, asks me to pass the salt. As if she needed any, when she was clearly salty enough.”

I held on to my headphones and cackled. “Wow.”

“Then I say, ‘Look, have I done anything wrong?’ Then what do you say, Kiki?”

He passed me the small bottle of Hennessey and I took a swig, and replied, through a laugh, “‘Do you think you’ve done anything wrong?’”

Malakai let out a long, exaggerated exhale. “I say, ‘I don’t know, Scotch. That’s why I’m asking you.’ Then she goes, ‘Well, if you don’t think you’ve done anything wrong then you haven’t done anything wrong, innit.’”

“My voice isn’t that high—why are you making me sound like road Minnie Mouse?”

“Stay with me now,” he directed his audience, ignoring me. “Two days after this happens, we’re studying together and I’m stuck on a question for a tutorial. The question is under her specialist subject. I ask her for help, and you know what she says? You know what my darling girlfriend says to me? She says . . .” He paused for effect, cleared his throat. “‘Nah, you don’t need my help. You got this. Like you had it the other day.’”

Aminah cackled. I heard her say, “My girl!” She had brought some popcorn and was watching the show with delight. She was crunching very loudly.

Malakai shook his head at me, slow and heavy. “Brutal. Tell me where in that story am I the bad guy? Please. My question is, why couldn’t you have told me you were pissed at me and why you were pissed at me? The drama was unnecessary. I’m baffed.”

I leaned into the mic and arched a brow at him. “You done, babes?”

Malakai released a tiny smile. “No. You also look really sexy when you’re angry and that kind of made it more confusing.”

I knew it was for the show—it had to be for the show—but that didn’t stop my belly from turning upside down.

“Ladies,” I said, pointedly ignoring the way he was grinning at me, goading me. I flipped him the finger and he released a soft chuckle. “You see how they try to distract you? Stay woke. Don’t let them catch you slipping. Let me break down why almost everything that Malakai said was—Minah-Money am I allowed to say it? . . . What was that? . . . Great.

“Okay, so what Malakai just said was bullshit. Really ripe bullshit, from a specific kind of bull: real obstinate, meat too tough. This kind of bullshit is used for the manure that fertilizes the farm used to grow male delusion. Makes it grow big and strong. I read that in NatGeo. True story. Mandem, listen to me. Women don’t want to have to tell you how you fucked up. They want to give you time to figure out how you fucked up. Or admit that you fucked up—sorry, Minah, messed up—because most times, let’s be honest, deep down you know.

“We’re gracious angels, benevolent queens. If you just acknowledged the harm done wrong by yourselves, it would piss us off less. So, we lead you to it, help you out without telling you—because it’s not like we like being angry—yet still, you miss road. Willfully. Like, you’d rather believe we’re acting crazy than entertain the idea that maybe you acted up. I mean, you heard that story from Malakai’s own mouth. I let him tell it to you, without interrupting—”

“I’m sorry what? That was you not interrupting? You were like Kanye on a live broadcast—”

“—even though it is my show, and I would have every right to, I let you hear it from the horse’s mouth so there would be no doubt. He knew the second that he had undermined me in front of the entire class that I was pissed. I knew the answer in that lecture. I was going to get to it eventually. I wanted a chance to defend myself. Even if I didn’t, what I didn’t need was for my boyfriend”—it tasted heavy on my tongue, not bad, but it made its presence felt—“to basically announce to the whole class that he thought he was more capable than me. I didn’t need him to swoop in like that. It was embarrassing. He wanted to look like a big man.”

“No, I didn’t.” Malakai shook his head emphatically. Like the audience could see.

I cackled again. “Are you kidding? Yes, you did, Kai. You loved it. You loved knowing something that I didn’t. I saw it on your face! You were smug.”

Malakai scratched the back of his head, then nodded sheepishly. “Alright, fine. I’ll allow it. Maybe I did want to look like a big man. But it wasn’t to embarrass you.”

I reclined in my seat like a glam crime boss. “Then I’m fascinated to know why.”

“I wanted to impress you.”

I sat up, forgetting we were on air, my elevated radio voice sinking back into my regular voice, becoming one. “What?”

Malakai looked slightly uncomfortable and released a small groan. “I can’t believe I’m about to say this on radio. Kiki, everyone knows you’re smart. I wanted to look smart in front of you. I knew you’d have that loser by the ropes if you got the chance, but I wanted you to see that I could take him too.”

“Oh.” I sat back in my chair.

I heard a pointed cough behind from Aminah, reminding me with a jolt that I was still on air and was therefore prohibited from melting into a puddle of Henny and Fenty.