Holly Banks Full of Angst (Village of Primm, #1)(54)

“Everyone has a YouTube channel. How else are you going to get your film work out there?” He practically laughed at her. Like he was saying duh. “So I’ll come tomorrow and fix your cable.”

“Tomorrow. Okay. Sounds good.” She traced the edge of her countertop. “And after you fix the TV, can you stay awhile? Have some coffee?” Maybe this was too forward. “Not . . . not that kind of coffee. I’m not hitting on you or anything. I have questions.”

“About your cable?”

“About the film industry. About getting back in. Freelance. Nothing big.” She grimaced, closing her eyes, feeling like a fool, an imposter. “Definitely freelance. Nothing big.”

“Yeah, sure. I’ll bring my micro–spy camera equipment. I got great footage for my project with it. We can talk about Wilhelm Klaus.”

“Sounds great.” Holly exhaled, feeling . . . a bit giddy. Someone to talk film with? That was new. She hadn’t had that since film school. “We can talk about Klaus.” Wilhelm Klaus. A better topic to think about than combo meals at fast-food restaurants. “Yeah, that sounds good. See you tomorrow.” She hung up.

Holly snatched the school supply list off the table, held it up to inspect both sides. Is this stupid thing a fake? Because if Mary-Margaret’s behind this—I’m not letting her get away with it. Holly snapped a picture of it with her phone. Contemplated reporting Mary-Margaret to Principal Hayes. Bullies should be reported. Even fully grown bullies. Especially fully grown bullies.



EMAIL—Time Sent: 5:49 p.m.

TO: Principal Hayes





FROM: Holly Banks





SUBJECT: Seriously? Have You Seen This Back-to-School Supply List?





Principal Hayes,





Please see attached back-to-school supply list for Kindergarten Room K-9. Am I to assume this list comes from an actual teacher at Primm Academy? Or could it be the work of someone who enjoys torturing others?





You decide.





Penelope Pratt

Feathered Nest Realty

—ENCLAVE ALERTS—

THIS MAY BE HARD TO STOMACH

Please, please, please check your topiaries. I am sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but a few hours ago, Plume’s stomach disconnected from her body and fell on top of Botanist Billy O’Malley.

As you can imagine, the stomach of a twenty-five-foot-tall topiary peacock is quite heavy.

Luckily, a forklift operator rallied and lifted Plume’s belly off Botanist Billy O’Malley. Botanist Billy O’Malley’s wife, Sally O’Malley, said Botanist Billy O’Malley was taken by trolley to the triage center at the trauma treatment center. Some time ago, Sally O’Malley reported Billy O’Malley was in stable condition—surrounded by wife Sally, brother Willy O’Malley, and Billy O’Malley’s triplets: Molly O’Malley, Milly O’Malley, and lil’ Billy O’Malley III.

Not to worry, the O’Malley family lives on Dillydally, and the Dillydallys always rally around Dillydally daddies. It is troubling whenever stomach contents are spewed. No doubt, this experience was especially troubling for Botanist Billy O’Malley, who, after thirty-seven years of working next to plants, found himself inside one.

BEFORE THINGS GET UNDERWATER—IF YOU NEED TO SELL

We here at Feathered Nest Realty care about YOU and your homeownership. Let’s hope these bugs don’t kill the entire Topiary Park—or the Village of Primm will lose its most valued tourist attraction. (No offense to the new owners of the vineyard—yes, you’re a tourist attraction too.)

If the Topiary Park goes belly up, I don’t want to THINK about the resulting loss of tax revenue and its impact on real estate taxes and home values. Surely, with the loss of commercial business revenue, our real estate taxes will have to rise to cover the costs of our beloved community and school. I suppose if we all collectively drink more vineyard wine our taxes won’t go up . . . (Something to consider?)

But if our mom-and-pop economy goes bye-bye, who’ll be knocking at our doors? WALMART. All that acreage—Walmart would level the Topiary Park and put up a parking lot! That would forever change the face of Primm. Right now, our biggest parking lot is at the school, and at least that’s hidden from view—and painted with educational, enriching art like world maps and the solar system. We’re bug bites away, people. Bug bites.

Reports from the Peloton and Blythe enclaves point to suspicious, widespread bug activity across the village. Blythe residents aren’t feeling carefree these days, and one Peloton resident noticed the topiary on her front porch—so overwhelmed by the little buggers—crawled right across her front porch and traumatized her cat. Sally O’Malley, advising from Botanist Billy O’Malley’s bedside, said the Blythe and Peloton residents should start dousing their topiaries with gasoline and setting them on fire.

Could this be the beginning of the end? Is this—the Apocalypse?

SCRAP & SWAP FUND-RAISER

This next Enclave Alert is brought to you at the request of my (dear) cousin, Mary-Margaret St. James, from Hopscotch Hill. Please attend tonight’s Scrap & Swap Fund-Raiser at the school and please wear your pink PRIMM t-shirt—as Mary-Margaret feels this is a SCHOOL function, and SCHOOL functions are coded as PINK, her favorite color. I, however, feel scrapbooking is a FAMILY event, centered around the HOME, and should, therefore, be a YELLOW event requiring a YELLOW shirt. And yes, the school mascot is a golden honeybee—which could be construed as yellow. But no, apparently (according to Mary-Margaret), there’s a huge difference between gold and yellow. I say wear whatever you want and see what happens. Anarchy is the bed maiden of the apocalypse. On to more pressing issues. Like the swarm of bugs invading our village, that dastardly Walmart wanting to break ground, and the obvious need to stimulate the economy by drinking more vineyard wine.