Holly Banks Full of Angst (Village of Primm, #1)(24)
Too alert to sleep, Holly carried her laptop to the family room couch. Scanning a website that posted astrological forecasts, she learned Mercury was retrograde. Retrograde? What is that? Clicking through, she caught the words FREE! FREE! FREE! blinking in red letters around a box inviting her to ask a psychic a FREE! FREE! FREE! question. So Holly entered her email address and then, to prove she wasn’t a robot, transcribed a series of fuzzy letters and numbers. Finally, she typed her question inside a box:
Is there a secret power in the universe I can tap to help me cope with my child starting kindergarten? Because this particular milestone in her childhood is upsetting me more than I think it should. One more question. (And I’m hoping you won’t charge me $$$ for this because it still fits in this tiny little box, so I’m thinking it still counts as one question and not two.) Here it is: If you’re a psychic, shouldn’t you know I’m not a robot? Yours truly, Holly Banks.
She hit send, clicked off the astrology website, then settled in to watch a Cutthroat Kitchen rerun. About an hour later, she checked her email.
EMAIL—Time Received: 2:24 a.m.
TO: Holly Banks
FROM: Psychic Betty, Psychic Hotline Network
SUBJECT: Your FREE “Ask the Psychic” Question
Today’s planetary alignment gives you the ability to make wise choices and seek useful information. Thank you for submitting a question to the Psychic Hotline Network. I am Psychic Betty, your online psychic. Exercise extreme caution if your child starts kindergarten between August 20 and September 10. But other than that, the answer is: NO. The universe does NOT have a secret power you can tap to help you cope with your child starting kindergarten. Have you tried vodka?
—Psychic Betty
Click HERE to ask another question.
Click HERE for coupons to Dizzy’s Seafood.
Holly clicked “here” to ask another question, and a box appeared, asking her to prove she wasn’t a robot by answering the following: 23+2 =
So easy! Twenty-five. Any robot would know that. Holly typed her question:
Yes, she starts kindergarten between August 20 and September 10. Why? Why should I exercise extreme caution? Now I’m starting to panic. And why do I have to keep proving I’m not a robot? Maybe you’re proving you’re not a real psychic. P.S. I don’t think I should have to pay for this question since my first question wasn’t answered to my satisfaction. (This is Holly Banks. You might remember me?)
Holly waited.
And waited.
And waited.
And waited some more.
And then finally, another email.
EMAIL—Time Received: 2:51 a.m.
TO: Holly Banks
FROM: Psychic Betty, Psychic Hotline Network
SUBJECT: Your Second FREE “Ask the Psychic” Question
Thank you for submitting a question to the Psychic Hotline Network. I am Psychic Betty, your online psychic. Mercury retrogrades August 20 to September 10. I know you’re not a robot because a robot would never ask for two free questions. And a robot would never imply that I’m not a real psychic. That hurt my feelings.
—Psychic Betty
Click HERE to ask another question.
Click HERE to subscribe to my newsletter.
Click HERE to follow me on Twitter.
Click HERE for coupons to Dizzy’s Seafood.
Oh, good gravy. This is ridiculous. Holly clicked “here” to ask a final question, proving she wasn’t a robot by typing what she saw on the reCAPTCHA screen: @ss s@ndwich
Her final question:
Okay, Psychic Betty. What is Mercury retrograde? I am willing to spend one dollar exactly—NOT A PENNY MORE—for the answer. AND IF YOU TRY TO TRICK ME—actually, scratch that. Never mind. I’m sorry. And I’m sorry I implied you weren’t a real psychic, Psychic Betty. I never meant to hurt your feelings. I guess I’m just having a bad day. Another woman pulled my daughter’s first tooth out. I thought I’d enjoy being the Tooth Fairy, but truthfully? I’m sad.
P.S. This is Holly Banks.
Holly waited.
And waited.
And waited.
And then . . .
EMAIL—Time Received: 3:16 a.m.
TO: Holly Banks
FROM: Psychic Betty, Psychic Hotline Network
SUBJECT: Hurting My Feelings
Don’t worry, Holly Banks. I forgive you. But then, I’m a Pisces, so I’d forgive a garden slug.
My psychic powers indicate you are going through an emotional time right now. Most likely, your suffering is caused by planet Mercury and the negative influences of Mercury retrograde.
If you’d like, I can be your online psychic, and you can email me directly and not have to continuously prove you’re not a robot. I charge $1.00 per email. If you are a robot and you want to email me directly, same rates apply. If you are a garden slug, well . . .