Hockey With Benefits(90)

I couldn’t hear what Gavin was saying, but Cruz ended the call a few seconds later.

He looked my way, bags under his eyes before he gave me my phone back.

He sat down on the couch, leaning back and closed his eyes.

My heart was aching again, for him this time. “Angela told Labrowski?”

He nodded, not looking at me. His mouth went flat. “She told him everything, and he got her permission to tell the rest of the guys. They won’t say anything, but it’s a line of defense. His story should change when he finds that out.” He looked wiped out before his eyes slid my way. “I kept thinking all week about you.”

“About me?”

“About when you said you had your thing, and your mom made it about her. What’d you mean by that?”

There was a pinching sensation in my chest. “I don’t really want to talk about it. I mean, I don’t need to. I had therapy for that, but…” God. My mom. I felt my throat starting to close up and tried to clear it. “Her and Dad had divorced by then, and the guy who touched me, he was the latest my mom moved in.”

“She didn’t believe you?”

“No, she did, but it was like she didn’t care. She made a whole dramatic thing about it, calling the police. She was sobbing when they showed up, wearing basically nothing, and they had EMS come for her. They thought she was having a heart attack or that he’d hit her. She was screeching, like hysterically screaming. Bloodcurdling screams. The guy was put in a squad car, and I was in the corner of the couch, balled up because I knew I couldn’t leave, but I wanted to just disappear. It took three hours, and a trip to the hospital before they found out the real reason the police were called. One detective asked if I felt safe in the house. I wanted to tell the truth so bad, but I couldn’t. If I did, then she’d be the victim again and it was always my fault. Everything was my fault.”

The memories were coming back.

I said, “One time she asked for forgiveness, for bringing that guy into the house, but she did it in such a way where–” I shook my head, moving down, slumping and curling in on myself. “She took a butcher knife and held it to her wrist, and said I needed to forgive her because if I didn’t, she wanted to die right then and there. That was the one time she asked for forgiveness, like she’d done something wrong, but in how she was doing it, I wished she hadn’t. The rest of the time, it was my fault. My fault for wanting food, for leaving my room, for making myself vulnerable to him, for going to the bathroom, for not having a lock on my door or–”

“Figure it out! You’re a dumb shit so much, but you can be a resourceful little brat. Move your desk in front of the door or something. And it’s not like you even really need food. You could stand to lose a few pounds.”

I quieted, feeling the well opening up inside me.

“What’s happening right now? What are you thinking?”

I shook my head, pushed down the burning in my throat, and hugged my knees to my chest. “I can’t talk about her because there’s no resolution. She’ll never be the mother I want, and it’s stupid to even think like that. She will never change. Ever.” I looked for Cruz. He was on the couch, but giving me space. “After you told me about your sister, I had this moment of clarity. I’ve been struggling coming here, not being with her because… It’s so dumb, but it’s like if I was there, I’d be blamed for everything, but I could handle it or something. Being away, needing to be away, I’m not in control of anything, but I never was. I never am. It’s always her. I can’t explain it. I just–I called my dad on the beach and told him I was officially done with her.”

Cruz cursed under his breath but moved, scooping me up off the couch. He held me to him. I burrowed into his shoulder and neck. He was moving. I closed my eyes, letting myself be carried this time.

I heard the door being locked. The lights went off. He bent, and bent again, and then we were in my bedroom. He moved onto the bed, settling back against the bed’s headboard. One of his arms reached over. I heard a small clinking sound. His arm came back under me, and hoisted me higher in his arms, turning me.

I sank down, straddling him. I clambered up, holding him back like a koala.

His whole body shuddered, right before he rested his head next to mine, his cheek to mine. He murmured, “I don’t know if this is something you need to hear, but just because she’s the mom you got, that doesn’t mean she’s the mother you deserve.”

I inhaled and froze.

Was that what I thought?

Yes. Maybe.

I sat back, looking at him.

He reached up, and ran a hand down the side of my face, to my chin, my lips, and down to my throat. “You deserve everything in the world, Mara. That’s what I think.”

Things were moving inside me, a wall was opening. Cruz was already inside me, but he was creating a bigger opening, and a bunch of fear began to rush up. I clamped that down because he was right. I, at the very least, deserved some healing.

I’d accept that much, for now. But it was a start.

I whispered, “This, you and me, it’s scary as shit to me.”

He started to nod.

I stopped him. “I don’t let myself get close to anyone. But you, you changed the game. I don’t really know what all I’m saying here, but I’m just trying to say thank you and also warning you I’m a mess, but–”