Hockey With Benefits(81)

She drew in a sob from her end. “Don’t say that. She’s–”

“I hate her. And I’m tired of feeling guilty about hating her. She wasn’t good.”

“Everyone has good in them. She had struggles–”

“She tried to kill Titi. She wanted to hurt Burford. She thought she’d be the one to walk free–”

“Maybe she did.” My mom’s voice was wrangled, and I heard another low sob.

“What?” I stilled.

“Maybe she did, walk free. Maybe she did.”

“What are you talking about?”

“I know some don’t believe in them, but I saw a medium.”

I let out a curse. “What?”

“Yeah, but listen, Cruz. Your sister came through, and she’s sorry for what she did. The medium, and I believe her because she brought up specifics that even you don’t know about. Sissy talked about how in that moment, she was angry and she reacted. She didn’t think it through, but she said it all worked out how it was supposed to.”

“Titi was supposed to be paralyzed from the waist down? I’m sure Sarah would say that that was supposed to happen that way. Of course. I believe the medium too. That’s total typical Sarah right there.”

“Cruz.” Her voice dipped low. “That’s not what I’m saying.”

I wanted to hurl this phone into the ocean. Maybe it was karmic timing for Mara to be going through her healing process, but dammit. I would’ve loved to lose myself in her for an entire week. Stop the thoughts, stop the hurting. Stop the ghost of one particularly selfish bitch.

“It’s why I let Sabrina see Titi. The medium said that she was struggling, needed closure, and she was right.” She began sniffling again. I heard the sob through her voice. “Sabrina walked in, and she looked so wrecked. I could see it in her. It’s… It’s what I see in you too.”

“Mom, do not push me to go see some psychic. I don’t believe in that shit.”

“You don’t curse at your mother.”

My head jerked upright, from where I had folded down. “Sorry.”

“I’m not saying you need to see a medium, though I believe her, but it was very healing to connect to Sissy. She’s on the other side. The medium said that when the soul leaves the body, all the emotions and struggles we go through here, are left here. The soul goes to the other side and it’s in its most pure state. Sissy said she didn’t mean to hurt Titi, but she reacted and in that moment, she was tired of feeling and thinking all the negative and hateful things she did. She was explaining that it was like she was trapped in her own body. She didn’t want to think or do the things she did, but it’s like she couldn’t stop herself. She felt paralyzed inside herself at times. That’s what was coming through the medium, and–” She let out a deep sob. “I believe her, Cruz. I–my God, I do. Sissy would do something mean and I’d see a flash of remorse right after, but then her face would go blank. When you said she thought she’d walk free, how do we know that’s not what happened in the end? She’s free now. She’s still my baby. Maybe you hearing this, you can let go of some of your anger too?”

God. I felt so fucking raw. My voice grated out, “She hurt Titi. I can never forgive her for that.”

“Oh, baby. You carry so much anger, and I know. I know you. You tuck all that down, bury it, and go and you keep shining on the ice. I know you might not want to hear this, but Sarah had a message for you. Do you want to hear it? I won’t push it on you if you don’t want to hear it.”

A message? Through a medium? From my dead sister?

“I don’t think so, Mom.”

“When you’re ready then. I have it written down. Maybe I can mail it and you can open it when you want to? How about that?”

I didn’t answer. I had nothing good to say right now.

She murmured, “If I send it, you need to promise not to throw it away or tear it up. I want that promise right now.”

I was still silent. Nothing good to say, nothing at all. I kept my mouth shut.

She sighed. “You’d be doing it for me. I brought her into this world, and I couldn’t help her. You think about that? I’ve got one gone that I couldn’t save, another with storms tearing himself up, and another that’s a beacon of joy though she was hurt the most. You promising not to throw away or tear up this message would go a long way for appeasing your mother’s guilt. When you hurt, I hurt.”

“Jesus, Mom.”

“Don’t swear.”

Her reply was so automatic and instant. It was reflex. I had to grin at that. “Yeah. Send it. I promise to keep it. I won’t promise to read it, but I won’t destroy it.”

“All I need, honey. I love you so much. You know that, right? Titi too.”

“Titi the mostest.”

She laughed. “The mostest of the hostess. We’ll call later in the week. Titi is going to Skate World so we should have some good pictures for you. Maybe we can video call you when we’re there.”

“I’d like that. I’ll clear it with Coach if I’m at practice.”

We ended the call, but I took a moment. The ocean was in front of me, but I wasn’t seeing it. I was back there, with my mom, knowing she was probably going over to hug Titi right about now. Titi, man. She was the best of all of us.