Hockey With Benefits(63)

After Cruz deposited me in his truck, we left the lot, but I hadn’t said a word. Neither had he. He gave me four blocks.

I appreciated those four blocks.

I let out a sigh and sat up a little bit more in my seat, stuffing my hands into my sweatshirt. I just now noticed it was his. I’d pulled it on as soon as I got home, had been wearing it when I was at my place, and I forgot to switch it out.

“My friend Kit was inside.”

“You weren’t worried about the guys?”

I shook my head. “They’re fine or I think they’ll be fine, but they know something about my mom that I don’t want out.”

“They’ve met her, huh?”

I gave him a faint grin. “No. You’re the only one who’s met her, and maybe I’m being dumb. I mean… I don’t know. The drama from that night is only half of a percentage of what she’s been all my life.”

God.

My insides were turned inside and out, and my outsides were the opposite. One visit from her twisted me all the way up. “I’m so messed up. I–everything made sense in high school. Get through it. You know? No one knew about her back then. I always knew, even when I was little, that my friends couldn’t come over. We lived in town so I could walk.”

“How’d you keep her away from your school?”

Gah. A sad laugh ripped from me.

He really did understand. So many would have no comprehension.

“The school had her banned from their property. Things were different in elementary school. She’d come in, and you know, your classmates don’t see that stuff. We’re just focused on recess or hanging out at the cute guy’s desk, stuff like that, but my mom kept showing up to the administration office. I don’t even know what all she did, but they banned her from their properties. I think she tried taking them to court.”

“CPS get called on you when they did that?”

“She always kept her shit together when they came. They kept sending the same worker, and my mom had her snowed. But the school doing that, helped me. I told my friends that there was always fighting and drama at my house, which wasn’t really a lie. I had a few friends who got peeved at me because I never let them come over, but guys like Zeke helped. He overheard a couple of our friends giving me shit, and he butted in, giving them shit instead. It happened a few times until they shut up.”

“You’re not worried about him or your ex?”

I shrugged. “Not anymore. They won’t say anything about my mom, but Kit…” A sick feeling started in my gut. “My mom tried to kill herself.”

Cruz let out a soft curse and pulled the truck over.

He kept the engine running but turned to me. “I’m really sorry.”

A lump was in my throat, and I started to shrug that off, but I couldn’t. I was crumbling, and fuck! I closed my eyes, trying to numb this, but it wasn’t coming. Not this time.

I couldn’t stop whatever storm was coming over me.

“I was supposed to get a semester off, but to do that, we lied to my mom. She was told I was going to school in Oregon. Then I got the call from a nurse in January about my mom and what she did. I took off. Didn’t think about it. The hospital was back home so it’s a three-hour drive. I got there and found out that–the nurse and my dad think she did it to find out how far away I actually go to college. The cuts weren’t severe, and she got a nurse who knew me to call me. Otherwise there’s an order on her file not to contact her daughter.

“A part of me was pissed that’s what they’re saying. An attempt is an attempt, but the other part of me was just as mad because it could be true. I don’t know. I’ve asked my mom, but she won’t answer that question. I, just, I want to know. I don’t know why, but I do. I can’t stop not knowing. The diagnosis she has, they say they’re not usually violent or suicidal. That’s not true with her. She’s been violent in the past. She defied their diagnosis then, who’s to say she wouldn’t do that now?”

It was all coming out.

All of it.

Every fucking sad and sordid fact.

I never said all of this to anyone.

“She manipulated the nurse. Literally every fucking thing she does is manipulation, but that nurse who called me was also the one who let it out. Fallen Crest isn’t that big. Gossip spreads fast, and now everyone back home knows about her. My old friends weren’t the greatest people, and one of them is here. Kit’s a bitch, but she helped me out with my thing with Burford so she’s here expecting me to do what? Come in and kiss her ring? I have to ask her not to say anything and… I never wanted to owe anyone anything. Ever. Learned that when I was six, not to owe anyone. And now you know, and you’re hearing me, and you’ve met her. I feel like my world is imploding and I don’t even know why.”

Panic. Fear. Anger. All of it was lit up in me. I couldn’t hide.

Old Mara would be a bitch. Push him away. Slam the walls down. Protect myself, protect myself, protect myself. That’s what it was all about. Keep everything separate, but nothing was separate anymore. And gah. I couldn’t bring myself to cut this tie off to him.

I could push everyone else away. But not him. Not Cruz.

“What do you want to do?”

“I have no idea.” I looked over, seeing his face in shadow and for some reason that tugged at my heartstrings. He wasn’t freaking out. He wasn’t making this about him. He was sitting here and being present with me. He was letting me talk. “I don’t want to go back. I don’t have the energy to pull a wall around me, but going back to my place or your place and having sex feels like hiding.” A hard laugh ripped from me. “Can’t believe I’m going to say this, but I don’t want to hide either.”