Here's to Us(What If It's Us #2)(84)

Ben’s eyes go saucer-wide. “Wait, is that—”

“Amelia Zhu and Em—”

“You’re telling me . . . this whole time, every time you’ve mentioned Emmett and Amelia . . .” He shakes his head, looking shell-shocked. “Emmett Kester is in your play?”

“He is! He’s awesome, and he’s really sweet—”

“You’ve talked to him?” Ben’s voice jumps a solid octave, just like at the diner with our waitress. Ben, the theater fanboy. I don’t know if I want to laugh or kiss him or both.

Definitely both.

“If you come to the show, I can introduce you,” I say, hoping my cheeks aren’t as red as they feel.

Something flickers in his eyes. “Actually. Um. I think I’ll be in California by then.”

“Oh.” I try to smile, but it barely lasts a millisecond.

“Yeah. Sorry, I haven’t really told most people yet, but I think I’m just going to head out there when Mario goes. After the wedding.”

For a moment, neither of us speaks.

“You’re really leaving, huh?” I say finally.

“It hasn’t fully sunk in yet.”

I grip the edge of the nearest table. “I guess we should figure out the baby stuff, then. You probably need to pack.”

“Yeah . . .” Ben’s cheeks go pink. “No, that’s—”

“I’m going for the narwhal blanket,” I say quickly, forcing a smile. “I’ll tell Dylan you suggested it.”

“Asshole.” Ben grins.

We each pick out a blanket and take them to the counter to pay—me with a card, Ben with a rolled-up, rubber-banded bundle of cash. Then Ben skips the Seventy-Ninth Street subway station and walks me all the way to the front of my building.

I pause at the door. “I guess I’ll see you at the wedding?”

“Definitely! Or sooner. Let me know what you’re up to this week.”

I watch him walk down Seventy-Fifth Street until he disappears, veering right at Broadway. Off to pack for California. So much for that fucking airport chase, right?

I feel totally empty, not a drop of air left in my lungs.

He’s leaving.

I told him about Mikey, and it didn’t matter. I don’t think I even realized how much hope I was pinning on that. As if Ben would suddenly drop all his plans for Los Angeles. As if Mario was some kind of backup plan.

He’s really leaving.

New York’s going to be just another city without Ben in it. New York without any of its what-ifs. Why did I even come here? Why am I even trying to pretend I belong here? I’m not a fucking New Yorker.

I just want to go home.





Part Three


It Can Be Us





Chapter Thirty-Three


Ben

Sunday, July 5




I stare at the boxes in Mario’s room.

He’s packed up all his stuff in the basement. Most of it is following him to Los Angeles; some of it is winterwear his brothers didn’t want that he’s donating to a local shelter. I can’t help but think about my history with the breakup box for Hudson, which led me to Arthur, who I sent back home to Georgia with a friendship box. Sometimes boxes are carrying goodbyes. And sometimes they’re carrying fresh starts.

“Alejo,” Mario says, acting like a shirt cannon.

I catch the shirt, unrolling it. It reads LA Wizard with a drawing of a wand underlining the words. “This is awesome. Gracias.”

I can’t believe this is actually happening. I’m going to be in Los Angeles. This could be the shirt I wear on the day we arrive. Then what does my life look like? Lying on the beach with Mario, reading each other’s books and scripts could be amazing. We could spend more time at restaurants so I could try ordering our food in Spanish and let Mario come in with the assist when needed.

As fun as that all sounds, I’m nervous to say goodbye to everyone I know. Ma, Pa. Dylan, Samantha. Especially right as I’m getting my best friend back.

And then there’s Arthur. I don’t even know if I’ll make it out of that goodbye in one piece.

It doesn’t help that Arthur’s making me question every single one of my choices. My head’s been spinning ever since I learned he and Mikey broke up. I mean, it’s obviously completely pointless. It’s way too late for what-ifs.

But the what-ifs keep creeping in.

I’m taping another box shut when something catches my eye. It’s the stuffed bear Arthur won at the Dave & Buster’s claw machine and gave to Mario. That was the night I thought I’d be meeting Mikey.

I guess it’s just hard for me to believe the Mikey breakup’s going to stick. Like, I can’t even let my mind go there with Arthur. I can’t rewrite my next chapter just because he’s single again. Where would that leave me when Arthur and Mikey inevitably decide to go for round three?

I tape the box shut and stare into space.

“?Estás bien?” Mario asks.

“I’m fine. I mean, estoy bien. Just thinking about how you’re the only person I’m going to know in Los Angeles.”

Mario smiles. “There are worse people to know.”

“Let’s not meet them.”