Here's to Us(What If It's Us #2)(43)

It means a lot to Arthur, so it means a lot to me.

Still, this is Mikey’s first night back in New York in years, and he’s spending it having ice cream with his boyfriend’s ex-boyfriend. It must feel like meeting a ghost of Arthur’s romantic past. I was his first kiss, his first boyfriend, the first person he had sex with, the first breakup he cried over. But maybe he doesn’t mind at all because he’s so confident in their future.

I may have been the first, but he’ll be the forever.

“Voilà, gentlemen.” Arthur returns with all the ice cream, and his is the only one with a cone. “So what did I miss?”

Mikey and I start talking over each other and stop at the same time. Then he insists that I go and I insist that he goes. It’s almost like we’re both trying to not fight for the spotlight. Better to sink into the shadows.

“I was just telling Ben how excited I am to be back,” Mikey says.

“It’s going to be so fun,” Arthur says.

Arthur adjusts his glasses, which really does make me rethink how people can’t tell the difference between Superman and Clark Kent. Superman and Arthur are both attractive without their glasses, but when they are wearing them, it’s a heart-pounding transformation. Not that I’m crushing on Superman; he’s a comic book character. And not that I’m crushing on Arthur; he’s my ex-boyfriend. It’s possible to think someone is attractive without wanting to be with them, right? It’s like when Dylan points out hot guys because he wants me to date them, not him. Honestly, the jury might still be out on that one.

I’m certain about my feelings, though, and when it comes to Arthur, they’re completely platonic. Obviously.

“What shows are you planning on seeing?” I ask.

They tell me all about their plans, but I get distracted when Arthur and Mikey swap cone and cup, wordlessly, like they’ve done this a thousand times. And when Mikey’s phone buzzes on the table, Arthur silences it for him. I would’ve thought that was passive-aggressive, but Mikey thanks Arthur. Maybe Mikey likes being present, and Arthur knows that about his boyfriend.

From the few times I looked at Mikey’s Instagram, he wasn’t posting regularly like a lot of the people I know. He’s not trying to be some influencer or pretend his life is extraordinary or show off what he ate that day. He’s real.

Man, Mikey is real.

And he’s sitting right across from me.

There was a time when I wanted Mikey to be the worst person ever so I wouldn’t have to feel bad about Arthur committing to him over me. But he isn’t the worst.

I want to be happy for them. Arthur especially.

Happiness is tricky when it comes to the person who used to make you happy.

“I hope you guys enjoy the show. Don’t be late,” I say with a laugh.

Arthur does this cringe-smile and shakes his head. “That wasn’t fun.”

“What wasn’t?” Mikey asks.

“I’m sure Arthur told you how I screwed up us seeing Hamilton.”

“He didn’t,” Mikey says.

I suddenly wish I could reverse time, because I really didn’t want to walk into any dating history territory. But that’s hard when that’s all Arthur and I really have.

“I was late getting to the theater and we missed out on those rush tickets,” I say. I don’t mention how Arthur and I sat outside on the curb, listening to music.

Mikey shakes his head. “That’s heartbreaking.”

“One of many reasons I’ve gotten better about not being late anymore,” I say.

Everything I say feels wrong. Like I’m trying to let Arthur know that I’m a better person now. But this isn’t about me trying to get back with him. I just don’t know how to be friends with him when we never got to be friends first.

Not to mention the fact that dodging him on social media for months left me totally unprepared for the reality of Arthur having a serious boyfriend. I should have warmed up with pictures.

Then again, how serious can they be if they haven’t said I love you?

“So you’re a writer,” Mikey says.

“I’m not published.”

“You’re still a writer though, right?”

“Yeah. I write about wizard stuff.”

“He has hundreds, maybe even thousands of readers who want more from him,” Arthur says. “As they should—I love that story so much.”

Back to awkward. I really hope Arthur has had the common sense to not tell Mikey about all the original romance stuff between Ben-Jamin and King Arturo. Or even the fact that Arthur inspired a character—though Arturo isn’t the love interest anymore. I’m not looking forward to sharing that news with Arthur. But any concern about breaking Arthur’s heart goes out the window when I see Mikey holding his hand.

“I took the story off Wattpad so I could rework it in school. I really want to get it published soon.”

“What school do you go to?” Mikey asks.

“Hostos College,” I say. I feel insecure again, wishing I had the grades and financial means to have gone to the New School creative writing program, or anything at NYU. But that’s my truth. I did my best and my family does their best. I’m trying to be more comfortable with that. “I really like it. Great teacher, great classmates. There’s even this guy Mario who became my partner on a project and now we’ve got a will-we-won’t-we thing going on.”