Her Perfect Family(82)

‘Amanda?’

‘Yes. She’s on gardening leave but her address is on file.’

Matthew feels something shift inside.

‘Amanda’s not on leave. She’s really busy. Right in the thick of it. Especially today.’

‘No. That can’t be right.’ Molly’s tone changes completely. ‘She agreed. To hand over to her deputy. We had an understanding. I’ve put a package together.’

‘I’m not following you.’

‘It’s just – I’ve only just heard about Sam, you see.’ She sounds confused now. Babbling. ‘I couldn’t know. I would have tried harder to get through before if I’d realised . . .’ Again the line fades out.

‘Please. You need to speak quickly. What about Amanda?’

‘I’m having to let her go. I caught her taking drugs. Then found out she’d lied on her CV. Not so serious at this stage in her tenure, but we had a big disagreement. Amanda got very nasty. Very inappropriate. And then I found out the drugs issue went back years.’ Another pause. ‘I gave her a choice. A package to avoid anything unpleasant in the press . . . or suspension. She agreed to gardening leave until I’m back. Until I speak to the chancellor, who was away when it all blew up.’

Matthew’s mind is now in overdrive, his adrenaline pumping.

‘There’s something else.’ The line’s still poor and Matthew tries to adjust his volume.

‘When she first joined the university, Amanda got in a bit of a pickle personally.’





CHAPTER 65


First light today


The problem, Amanda thinks, is that people don’t listen. Not properly.

Before she heads out to speak, first to Sam and then to Gemma, Amanda takes her diaries from her bedroom and puts the tall stack on the stand in the nursery.

It makes her feel good to see it. Her story. Her truth.

Whatever happens today, they will have to listen now. She thinks of all the thick, black words in the diaries and imagines her voice being heard at last. Everyone wishing they had listened to her sooner.

She’s been up since four but that’s not unusual. She sits in the nursery chair and takes in the elephant curtains. The cot. The mobile. The sun’s just coming up and she wonders how today will go but she’s not afraid; not at all. If there’s any justice, if there is any such thing as karma, today is the day they will all finally see that her plan for this baby is what is best. It’s what she deserves. Needs. Is owed.

She thinks of that other child – her own child who would be fifteen now. If a girl, they would be best friends. Shopping and spas and friendly fights over borrowed clothes. If a boy? A messy room. Football up too loud on the telly. She would have taught him to cook. Found common ground.

She turns her head and can imagine it exactly – the voice shouting up the stairs. You up there, Mum?

Instead she takes in the silence. How it eats right into her flesh. The emptiness – both around her and deep inside her too. Every time she puts her key in the door. She has to clench her fists to push down the bile and the rage, when she thinks of Sam, sitting with her in that clinic all those years ago. ‘It’s the right decision, Amanda. It’s just not the right time for us to have a child.’

She thinks of him now with his pretty young wife and his pretty suburban house. How is it fair that he is the one to have the family?

No. He needs to speak to Gemma and to sort it all out. Gemma surviving is a sign that this was all meant to be. Gemma doesn’t need this child; Gemma is still a child herself.

Amanda checks the time – just gone five – and feels in her pocket to smooth her fingers over the familiar white tablets in the plastic sachet. It would never have come to this if people had just listened. The doctor. Sam. Gemma. All of them . . .

But she will be heard today. However this goes.

She turns again to the diaries, neatly stacked. Corners aligned. It’s all in there. She used a fountain pen once. Smart. Expensive. But it made the words too soft. Too quiet. These days she uses a thick, black felt tip – to match the voice in her head.

And if they won’t listen today – Sam and Gemma? She knows what she will do; she planned it once before and she wasn’t afraid then either. Because afterwards, they will have to hear her. Afterwards they will all read the thick, black words and they will see that none of this was her fault.

It will be too late and they will all be very, very sorry.

That they didn’t listen sooner.





CHAPTER 66


THE MOTHER


As she steps into our cubicle, my eyes dart straight to Gemma.

‘Amanda.’ I stand up and glance at the window but there’s no sign of anyone. No guard. No nurse. No Ed. ‘I thought we were going to do the statement by email?’ I try so hard to make my tone less surprised – steadier – but it’s unnaturally high. I clear my throat, Amanda all the while watching me intently.

‘Please. Don’t get up, Rachel. I thought it would be easier for me to just pop by. Go over the statement in person. Have you jotted something down for me?’

I check the window again. No one; the guard must still be dealing with the journalist who tried to get through earlier.

‘I’m surprised you didn’t have trouble getting in. We’re on a sort of lockdown.’ My heart’s pounding.