Heavy: An American Memoir(59)

But as we stressed about tenure, health, book deals, work, and family, lies between us came more frequently. We thought leaving Vassar was the only way to leave the lies. Instead, we moved onto campus in dorm apartments where we were expected to be available to kids who needed professorial support. Flora lived on one side of the dorm. I lived on the other. We didn’t have to pay rent, bills, or for food. For the first time in our lives, all of our money earned was ours and we could pay off all of our student loans, all of our debts. We didn’t imagine for a second that there would be a price to pay for going to sleep and waking up at work.

One day, on Flora’s birthday, I decided to “really gamble.” That meant I brought three hundred dollars to spend. Before long, that three hundred grew to six hundred. Then that six hundred gradually disappeared. Flora put that last seventy-five-dollar voucher in a machine and pressed three. She thought she was playing three dollars. The machine was a twenty-five-dollar machine and her seventy-five-dollar bet turned into a $6,700 win.

We thought we were rich.

Later that night, we won another four thousand and we left the casino up twelve thousand from when we came. I sent a large bit of my half to you and Grandmama. Flora used her half to pay down her credit card bill and student loans. I came back almost every weekend trying to win twelve thousand again. Once, I won fourteen thousand. Another time I won six thousand.

One Sunday I lost everything we came with. And I took out more money. And I lost that. Then we got a “free” hotel room so we could wait until midnight, when I could take out more money.

And I lost that.

I lost all of my savings and went home hateful of casinos and Flora for not making us leave. Whenever I thought about not going back, I let the casino lure my body back with free slot play or concert tickets or free rooms. Every time they offered me something, I went. And I lost. When I lost, I wanted to leave with something, so I used the “points” or comps I’d accumulated losing money to buy what amounted to free eight-thousand-dollar casino Pumas, free three-thousand-dollar casino dresses, free fourteen-hundred-dollar casino T-shirts, and free two-thousand-dollar seats to see Beyoncé, Kanye, Jigga, Sade, Prince, and Janelle Monáe.

I ate free casino veggie burgers, casino grilled cheeses, casino fries, casino onion rings, casino shakes when we arrived, and a nice dinner of free Mexican or Italian food later. After I lost all our money for the night, I ordered room service and ate free casino omelets and casino pancakes before watching Suze Orman until I fell asleep. This was the life I tried to drag Flora into every weekend after I lost all my savings. Flora mostly said no. Three times, she said yes. Whether I lost every dime I walked in with, or won more than I ever imagined, I always punished myself with casino food as ferociously as I’d punished myself with starving and exercising.

Once, when I was watching you spend your last dollar in a slot, I saw you reach in your purse, get your phone, and start texting. A minute later, I got this text from you:

I am so proud of you and your accomplishments. Some of those terrible people threw everything they could at you and never realized your fight has always been bigger than tenure. Forgive them, son. They know not what they do. It has never been our job to take out the trash. That kind of trash takes care of itself. The family is sorry you’re alone up there. We thank you for your generosity and we wish you lots of love, joy, and health. God is good.

I read the text and realized there was nothing sadder than knowing we saw each other in a casino fourteen hundred miles from a home we shared, and neither of us had it in us to say hello, I miss you, stop, or let’s go home.

Instead of leaving the casino, I sat next to a Korean American doctor who told me she lost her house, her cars, her children’s tuition. She’d gone to Gamblers Anonymous twice, and tried dealing in the casino just to be around the gaming. She saved a lot of money, then lost it all again. I gave the woman the last hundred dollars in my pocket. She promised she was going home with it. I knew she was lying. After she left, a white man sat down at her machine and hit a jackpot. When he was waiting to be paid out, he said, “I wish they’d give Americans first dibs on these machines. The Asians are taking over the damn place. Seems like they win every other jackpot.”

“Take over deez nuts,” I told the white man, and walked my sad ass out of the casino.

The last time I saw you was the next-to-last time I was at the Connecticut casino with Flora Wadley. On the way home, Flora Wadley said the problem with our relationship was the casino.

I said the problem with us was us.

Flora said even if the problem was us, we could save our money if we stopped going to the casino and traveled somewhere fun every weekend.

I said we could enjoy traveling to those places more if we addressed what in us made us want to go to the casino in the first place. Flora said talking about trauma was traumatizing for her since her mother and grandmother died.

I said okay.

She said our choices have to be more than traumatizing each other at home or driving two hours to be traumatized and broke.

I said okay.

She suggested we go to counseling.

I said okay.

The one time we went to counseling, I didn’t talk about the casino. I didn’t talk about you. I didn’t talk about my lies, my memory, my failed relationships, or my body. I talked about Flora. And Flora talked about Flora. And the counselor talked about Flora. And we got some homework to help us with our relationship to Flora’s supposed deficiencies. And I threw that homework away the next day. And Flora threw that homework away a few days after that.