Heart of My Monster (Monster Trilogy, #3)(17)

She proved in actions more than words how much she loved me.

I will remind you of the girl who protected and loved you but only got death in return!

Karina’s words stab me in my bleeding heart.

“If I die, will I be able to join you?” I whisper in the silence of the bathroom.

“What are you talking about? You were born for greater things, not to die, Kirill. You’re the Pakhan now. Isn’t that amazing?”

“No. What’s the point of being Pakhan if I couldn’t protect you?”

“You always had your priorities straight, and I was never at the top.”

“That’s not fucking true!” I whirl around and curse under my breath when her warmth disappears.

Fuck.

Disgusted with my own skin, I step out of the shower and wrap a towel around my middle. It doesn’t matter that I changed rooms. She’s everywhere. Her soul clings to every corner and every fucking person in this house.

But maybe that’s not a bad thing.

If her ghost fucking haunts me and blames me for her death, I’ll still welcome it.

At least she’ll be here.

I put on another suit and head to my office. The door opens as I snag a bottle of Macallan from the minibar. I don’t bother with a glass and drink straight from the bottle.

My throat burns, but it does nothing to squash the constrictive weight on my chest.

Viktor stands across from me, and I motion at the minibar. “Have a drink.”

He doesn’t move a muscle. “Boss. You really need to sleep.”

I lean against the cabinet, legs crossed. “Any news about the lead we got from Roel’s computer?”

“No. It’s a dead end. We suspect the sender to be from outside the country.”

“Russia, for instance.”

“I’m not sure.”

“Well, I am.” I swallow a long sip and wince slightly at the sharp taste. “I have a feeling that the Belsky Organization had something to do with her death. She admitted that she initially came to New York to spy on me—or, more accurately, on my father—but she eventually gave up on that and chose to stay with me. There’s a huge possibility that they got rid of her once they figured out she’d switched camps.”

“That’s only speculation.”

“Plausible speculation.” I slam the bottle on the counter, causing a few splashes to stain my hand. “I’m going to Russia to investigate this.”

“You can’t go to Russia with no evidence and no clue of their location, let alone their involvement. Besides, you’re the fucking Pakhan now, Kirill. Your position is vulnerable, considering you haven’t been in it for too long. Not to mention all the factions you’ve managed to offend in a small amount of time. The only thing you can do right now is stay and try to strengthen your authority.”

“I don’t give a fuck about that. I’m going to Russia. Make arrangements.”

“No, I won’t.”

I stare into Viktor’s dispassionate eyes. “Are you disobeying a direct order?”

“I am. I’m also telling you that if you go in blind, you’re only heading to your death. You were a captain in the damn Spetsnaz, you know good and fucking well not to move without trusted intel.”

“Get the fuck out of my way.”

“If you insist.” He pulls out his gun and tries to shove it in my hand. “Shoot me first. I’d rather die than see you spiral out of fucking control.”

“Don’t be ridiculous. I didn’t know you’d learned how to be dramatic.”

“I’m not joking, Kirill.” He glares at me. “I’ve been with you all your life and have seen you being tortured and driven to within an inch of your life. I’ve watched you rise above any hurdle that stood in your path. You got this far because you made it happen. If you don’t get yourself together and start acting like the Pakhan, you’ll be killed. Do you think Aleksandra would like to see you being this fucking suicidal?”

“Shut up, Viktor.”

“It’s the truth. She must be rolling in her grave.”

I grab hold of the gun and point it at his face. “I said. Shut the fuck up.”

He stares me down, unblinking. “Kill me and then do whatever the fuck you want. Aleksandra is gone and so are Yuri and Maksim. I’m the only one who’s able to keep you safe now, but you’re making my job impossible by inviting all these threats into your life. If you don’t kill me before you go to Russia, I’ll shoot myself.”

“Viktor,” I growl.

“I’m doing what she would do if she were here,” he says. “We didn’t get along, but we had one thing in common. Keeping you safe. And I’ll be fucking damned if I send you to your death.”

I let the gun fall to my side and twist the wedding ring with my other hand.

As much as I want to strangle the motherfucker, he’s right.

This isn’t me. And she wouldn’t want to see me throw myself into a dangerous situation.

She didn’t die so I could follow her.

At least, not yet.

I need to find out who the fuck took her from me first.

Only when I rip their heart out with my bare hands will I be able to join her.