Havenfall (Havenfall #1)(89)

But it wasn’t my choices that hurt my brother, I know now. Someone broke into our house. Someone took him. Not one starved soul-devourer, but a conspiracy too deep and dangerous to comprehend then.

And too big for me to fight now. Soon. But not now.

“We don’t know anything about Solaria. It could be a wasteland,” I say to Brekken. Even though I know that Solarians—at least some Solarians—aren’t evil, it’s hard to erase the image I built up in my head for so many years. That Solaria is a world of darkness, of hunger and monsters. I don’t want to think of Taya there. And Nate. My brother—not my biological brother, as I always thought, but still my brother. A Solarian, all along.

Brekken looks steadily at me, an unspoken question in his eyes. I look back and smile, but it feels like someone is playing tug-of-war with my heart.

He looks exactly how I remember him from our first night here, just a little more worn, a little sadder. Even dressed in jeans and a Boulder T-shirt borrowed from Jayden, playing with the tab of his Coke can, he looks like a soldier, his posture straight and his copper hair neatly combed. Strong. Safe. Like I could bury my head in the space between his neck and shoulder and shut out the world.

He would let me. He would protect me. I could lean over the dashboard right now and press my lips to his cheek and chase everything else away for a little while. I could turn back time and be the girl kissing him in the hayloft, feeling nothing but light and want and the summer stretching out ahead of me like a trail of sun on Mirror Lake.

But something has shifted between us. I want to kiss him, want to feel his arms around me, but there’s a sharp edge buried in the longing. I know all the secrets were him trying to protect me. I know he and the Heiress thought Marcus was supplying the black market by smuggling the silver objects out of Havenfall, before he knew what they really were—fragments of captive Solarians’ souls—and maybe Brekken thought my loyalty to my uncle would win out over doing what was right.

But still, it’s a lot to get used to. Everything could have been so much simpler if he’d just told me. Trusted me, his best friend.

And Taya. I see her behind my eyes when I blink. I don’t think even kissing Brekken could chase away the image of her leaving, no matter how much I might want it to. It’s a waste of energy worrying about her, seeing as there’s not a single thing in the world I can do to help her, to find her. But I can’t stop wanting to try.

“She’s a Solarian,” he says. “If anyone can make it there, she will.”

I nod and blink to smother the nascent sting of tears. I have to believe him. I don’t have a choice. I can’t help Taya—at least not right now, when there are people here that need me to have my head in the game.

A knock on the window makes my heart stop for half a second. I whip around, my jumbled mind half-expecting to see the Silver Prince, but it’s just a frazzled-looking Jorge, the Pizza Palace owner, shoulders hunched under the weight of two bright red insulated delivery bags. Behind him, two apron-clad kids carrying more pizzas stare warily into the jeep as Brekken hurries out and pops the trunk. I get out, too, and follow Jorge inside with my wallet.

“Big party?” he asks as he rings me up.

I fake a smile, but even as I do it, I can feel that it must look more like a grimace. “The hotel refrigerator broke. Everything went bad.”

The irritated lines on Jorge’s face smooth out into sympathy. A handful of other patrons in the eighties-themed restaurant look curiously on as I hand over Marcus’s credit card.

I try not to look at the eye-popping price as I do the math for a tip. At some point, I should probably figure out where the money to run Havenfall comes from. But that’s a problem for another day.

Dark has started to fall by the time Brekken and I crest the hill leading back to the inn, the lilac twilight fading into the color of plums or bruises. I press the brakes so we can take it all in. The moon is rising, bright as a new silver coin, and balanced between it and its Mirror Lake reflection is Havenfall, an indigo silhouette against the sky.

Even after everything, Havenfall still takes my breath away. The shape of it is so familiar, I could draw the lines freehand in my sleep. But as wind sweeps over the mountain and ruffles all the trees at once, an invisible current eddying around the inn, it feels different too. Bigger and darker, shadows reaching out from it like something alive.

It feels alive. I can almost sense the pulse of energy from beneath the earth, the tunnels far below like veins. Even after everything, Havenfall still stands, beautiful and dangerous. Even if I couldn’t see it before, it was always dangerous, but that doesn’t lessen the beauty.

Omphalos.

The center of everything, the heart. A home for people from all the worlds. If I’m strong enough to keep it that way.

Brekken reaches out and rests his hand on top of mine on the gearshift, and a spark of electricity travels through me. I doubt anything could stop his having that effect on me. His grip is gentle but strong, warm. For a moment, before we start driving again, I turn my palm up and let our fingers interlace, our palms press together. I don’t know what it means, but I know that somehow, we are bound together. That our story is still unfolding.

I have two months left of summer, two months to pick up Havenfall’s scattered pieces, to rebuild the delegates’ trust in me that I’ve burned away. Two months to decide what my next steps will be. There’s so much to do. Whatever strength Brekken can give me, I need it.