God of Pain (Legacy of Gods #2)(96)

“Because he wanted you to, Anoushka.” Jeremy’s voice softens, and my brother’s voice doesn’t soften. “He looked to be in pain and resolved to see it all…end.”

“No…” I sob, hitting my brother’s chest. “Ah…ah… This…hurts. Why does it hurt? Ah…make it stop hurting. There was a lot of blood, Jer. What if he…? What if… What…”

The word knots and chokes me, refusing to be said out loud.

My brother pulls me close to his chest with his good arm and I cry.

I just cry and cry until I think I have no tears left. Until I think I’m going to faint from the amount of pain that’s wrecking my chest.

The image of red and his pale face haunts me.

The face that might never get life back because I ended it.

With my own hands, I fucking ended it.

When my tears turn into hiccups, Jer takes me to the bathroom, by my hand, like when I was a toddler and fell down and dirtied myself.

He turns on the faucet and patiently scrubs my hands of all the blood.

Scrub.

Scrub.

Scrub.

All the red washes down the drain in a haunting symphony of crimson against white. But the evidence remains beneath my nails, clinging to my fingers, refusing to vanish.

Then Jeremy washes my face and combs his fingers through my tangled, dirty hair. After he’s done, he leads me back to my room.

I’m lifeless, half moving, half dead. I don’t protest as he sits me on the foot of the bed and brings out my first aid kit.

He starts to clean the cuts on my fingers, on my palms.

I touch his shoulder and the tears I thought were no longer there gather in my lids and stream down my cheek.

My voice comes out too hoarse, too raw. “He stabbed you… I thought…I thought he was going to kill you… I couldn’t…I couldn’t let him do that. I couldn’t lose you. I didn’t think when I pulled the trigger. Why did I go for his chest? I tried to miss, but it was too late. It’s too late.”

Jeremy strokes my arm. “It’s okay, Anoushka.”

“It’s not! It’s not okay! He wasn’t going to kill you, but I killed him… I killed the man I love, Jer. I k-killed him… I…I…”

“He’s not dead,” he speaks slowly, patiently. “You’re not a killer. You just love me, and that’s okay, Anoushka. Choosing is okay.”

That only makes me cry harder even as I try to clean his wound. I end up hurting him more and he says he’ll just have Kill stitch him up.

Jeremy doesn’t leave my side. Not when I finally pass out.

Not when I wake up crying.

Not even when I hit him and blame him for interrupting us that night in the grocery store.

For taking me back home.

I blame him for being the reason I found out the truth about my ill-fated relationship.

I blame him for blindly going to Nikolai’s aid when he didn’t have to.

I’m illogical and emotional, and a mess of epic proportions.

But my brother stays by my side the whole time, offering his support silently, taking the lash of my words with understanding.

Killian comes and stitches him up in my room. When I ask him if he’s heard any news, he glares at me and then leaves without a word.

So imagine my surprise when I wake up early the next morning after a restless sleep and Jeremy says, “Do you want to go to the hospital?”

“You…you’ll really let me?”

“If I don’t, you’ll sneak out behind my back and get yourself in trouble. I’m going to see Nikolai anyway, so you can look from afar.”

“Is he…okay?”

“Nikolai or Creighton?”

I swallow. “Both?”

“Thankfully, Nikolai didn’t slice his throat too deeply. Creighton, however, is in the ICU. He has an extensive hemorrhage and is in a coma. The next two days will be important to decide whether he lives or dies.”

I slap my palm to my mouth and shake my head frantically.

No. This can’t be true.

Jeremy wrenches my hand away. “Snap the fuck out of it, Annika. Either you crumble and wither away, and mark my words, if you do, I will lock you the hell up here with no way out. Or you take a shower, change your clothes, and meet me downstairs so we can go to the hospital together. There will be no third option.” Then he heads to the door. “You have fifteen minutes.”

I’m on autopilot as I take the quickest shower in history and blank out all my thoughts.

By the time I change my clothes and go downstairs, I find Jeremy waiting for me with one hand in his pocket and the other scrolling through his phone.

He nods in approval and then we get into the car.

I’m better and worse during this car ride. Better, because I’m not crying like a baby, even though I want to.

Worse, because at least I was numb last night.

Now, I can feel every prick of emotion. Every heartbeat and every screwed-up memory.

I can recall in vivid detail the way I held that gun, the way I pressed the trigger. I can feel the doomsday sensation that overtook my head.

It all happened too fast and yet too slow.

Jeremy keeps driving in silence, giving me all the space I need. Even if the sound of the engine becomes suffocating and the roads blur into one.