God Bless This Mess(76)

I’m beginning to understand who I am, and to be comfortable in that. To know that I do not have to be validated and recognized by other people. I’m working on getting to a place where I know that I am loved, always.

I’m transitioning from “What do you want to be when you grow up?” to the more mature question: “What do you want to be?”

I asked myself that question in my journal recently, and I wrote down a long list of answers. Wouldn’t you know it? None of them said anything about being somebody’s wife or girlfriend. None of them were about being seen, or famous. None of them mentioned being on TV or being an Instagram star, either. They weren’t about my career, or my “status,” or anything like that.

What I wrote in my journal is this: I want to be “brave, courageous, joyful, empathetic, strong, beautiful, a leader, patient, resilient, accepting, present, hopeful, grateful, gracious, content, determined, motivated, inspired, creative, humble, vulnerable, smart, kind, assertive, genuine, faithful, free, loving/loved, encouraging, independent, dependable, forgiving, self-compassionate, adventurous, silly” . . . and “enough.”

That’s what I want to be. And it’s not that I have to be all of these things all at once, or that I have to receive affirmation from others that I’m being these things. Just going through this process, being on this journey, is proof that is who I want to be.

Or maybe I should say, “This is who I am.” Because this is who I always was. This is how God created me. I just buried it. I lost parts of it. So all I really need to do is to allow all of me to come to the surface more often; to stop squishing it down while trying to be who everybody else says I should be.

I’m not Hannah B., the beauty queen, the former Bachelorette and winner of Dancing with the Stars. I’m Hannah Brown: brave, courageous, joyful, empathetic, strong . . . and, most important, enough!

I am enough. I am loved. No more, no less. That’s all that matters. And to really believe that—well, that’s the goal.

Some days I do. Other days, I’m not quite there yet. And that’s okay. Because I know it’s the journey I’m on now. I know I’ll get there.

I’m a little bit better today than I was yesterday, and hopefully tomorrow I’ll be a little better than that.

I mean, honestly, if all of our lives are such a mess, then God bless this mess—because the gift of learning life’s lessons is all we need in order to grow.

And that’s a miracle.

Thanks to everything I’ve been through, I’m closer than ever to being who I want to be.

I hope you are, too.





Acknowledgments


I’m grateful to all of the people who supported me in writing this book.

My family—Mom, Dad, Patrick, and Sissy. Y’all have believed in me from day one. Thank you for always encouraging, and never stifling, my dreams. I can always count on y’all to be in my corner cheering me on. I’m so grateful you have allowed me to vulnerably share our family’s journey to healing.

Mom—for your selflessness. You live your life to love and support me. You’re the OG who helped make this all come true. You’ve always said I’m the best parts of Dad, but every day, I see more and more of you in me. And I’m happy with that; I just wish I could find my keys.

Dad—for your resilience, and showing me a person can change and grow. I’m so proud of you and love how much we’ve grown together. I’ll always be your baby girl.

Adam, my sweetie—you are my rock (and my scribe because I can’t type). Thank you for being my number one fan and loving and embracing me in such a transformational time. You’ve healed my heart.

The whole team at UTA—thank you for your support, especially Albert Lee, Max Stubblefield, and Jamie Youngentob.

Albert—you believed this could happen when it felt like no one else did. Not even myself. I’ll never forget that call letting me know we are getting back to work. Your enthusiasm makes things happen.

Max—for not giving up on me and believing in my renewal. You knew I had something to say. I’m so thankful for your guidance and direction.

Jamie—for always being in the thick of it with me. You have gone above and beyond in so many ways from the very beginning of this whirlwind.

Melissa Fox, Adam, HJTH—bless your hearts. Thank you for protecting and fighting for my story to be told.

Mark Dagostino—thank you for the months, days, and hours and hours and hours spent bringing my story to life. You helped me say the things I’ve been scared to say. You fully invested in me, even through all of the nit-picking, back-and-forth, spiraling, and rewriting. It seemed like every obstacle tried to slow us down, but we prevailed.

The team at HarperCollins—Anna Montague, Lisa Sharkey, Kate D’Esmond, Katie O’Callaghan, Amelia Beckerman, Maddie Pillari, Cindy Achar, Nikki Baldauf, Nancy Singer, and Caroline Johnson.

Anna—thank you for your patience and guidance. Editing the life of a hot mess can’t be easy. God bless you for keeping the train wreck on the tracks.

Lisa—thank you for your diligence and inspiration to get this story into the hands of others. You understood the importance of this undertaking.

Clare Anne, Lena, and the team at Frank PR—thank you for working so hard to make my story heard, I appreciate everything you’ve done for me.