Glory over Everything: Beyond The Kitchen House(15)

James


I LEFT THE EVENING’S celebration before supper was served; if I had stayed longer with Caroline, we would have given ourselves away. As it was, eyebrows were raised when she forgot herself and clung to my arm with both hands. When Mrs. Cardon was called away, I quickly walked us toward the supper room, hoping for a lesser audience there.

However, here, too, in this great blue room, there was a flurry of activity as waiters and chefs rushed about. Under different circumstances, I might have appreciated the abundant displays of red roses and tall strawberry topiaries massed together on the mantels, tables, and sideboards.

A confused waiter stood with a large covered dish in hand while two of the chefs squabbled.

“The sauce goes in front of the salmon!”

“Never! It must be presented from a side table,” the other argued.

I led us to a corner and a large group of potted shrubs, tall as myself. Inadvertently, I stepped into the path of one of the servants, and we collided so firmly that the casserole dish he was carrying went flying. As the gold-rimmed china fell, splashing lobster Newburg across the carpet, Caroline reached for my hand and pulled me into a long dark corridor. No sooner were we alone than she was in my arms. I felt weak from wanting her, but I held her back. “Not here! Not here!”

“Why, James?” she begged. “Why haven’t you seen me? Is it because of the child?”

“No, Caroline,” I said. “No!”

“But why, James?” she asked. “Why haven’t you sent for me? I disturb you, is that it? The sight of me with child disturbs you?”

“No, dearest, no!”

Her blue eyes shone with tears. “Then tell me! Why have you abandoned me?”

I pulled her close and spoke into her ear. “I have not abandoned you,” I whispered. “I have been a coward, but I promise that I have not abandoned you!”

A servant startled us unexpectedly, and though he cast his eyes down as he hurried by, I was reminded again of the danger. I tried to put distance between us, but she would not release me.

“I must see you! When can we meet? Father is furious that I came here tonight, but I had to see you! I had to see you! Mother is insisting I go to the country. She said there are rumors and that I must go!”

“Your mother is right. It will be safer for you out there. But she has invited me out to Stonehill, and I will come,” I said.

“You will? Truly, you will? Give me your word, James,” she pleaded, clinging to my arms while dropping her forehead onto my chest.

My hand covered the nape of her soft neck. “You have my word. I give you my word. As soon as the invitation arrives, I will come,” I promised. How terrible I felt at her obvious distress. What had I done to this poor girl? Why had I not given her more support?

Another waiter averted his eyes as he passed by.

“Come now, before we are discovered,” I said, and drew her hand to my arm. Just in time, for no sooner did we appear in the doorway than a male cousin sent by Mr. Cardon swooped in and, with a haughty nod, swept Caroline away. She turned back and looked at me with such appeal that I took a step forward, then stopped myself. If I went for her, I didn’t doubt she would come with me, but what then? I had no plan in place.

I stood back beside the potted shrubs, oblivious to the scurrying waiters. Why had I kept us apart for so long? If only I had told her the truth about myself from the beginning! But I loved her as I had never loved before, and always there was the fear of her rejection. Yet in not seeing her, I had missed her need for me. To learn that she saw my absence as abandonment filled me with shame.

And to think that there was the chance that our child could have color. How could I not have told her? Not only would she be horrified, she would be unprepared for potential danger. There were many stories of such situations that ended with rumors of murdered babies and mothers mysteriously disappearing. There was no way around it. The time had come. I must prepare her.

I would go to Stonehill, as promised, and there confess everything. I would plead her forgiveness and promise to provide the child a home, if that were necessary. Nothing would be more difficult than to lay this at her feet, yet tonight I had seen the suffering that my deceit had caused her.

A party of older women who had come early to assess the banquet were now staring at me. When I noted their attention with a nod, their fans flew open and they began to whisper. I needed no further encouragement to quietly depart.





CHAPTER EIGHT


March 1830


Pan


FRIDAY MORNING I slip out and head on down to the docks. I’m scared to go, because if my daddy finds out, I don’t know what he do.

The last time I talk to my daddy about going down to the ships, him and me was sitting downstream by his creek, catching us some fish. Nobody fries fish up like my daddy, and I tell him so. It’s a good day when he can sit quiet—some days he’s too jumpy and can’t stop looking over his shoulder for his old masta.

“You growin’ up, son,” he says after I see him take a quick look at me. “But you never gon’ be a strong one. It good you learnin’ to work a big house for the white folk.”

“You think I’m big enough now to go see those ships?” I ask, and Daddy gives me a look that means business.

“When I tells you to stay away from down there, I means that you stay away!” he says.