Girl at War(36)



“Are you freaked out?”

“No,” he said. “I mean I am. Not for me, for you. But that’s not that point. Shit, Ana. I’m sorry. Are you okay?”

“I’m sorry, too. I should have told you sooner.”

“It’s okay. I’m still trying to process all this. But it’s okay.”

Junior appeared with the wine again and slipped into the booth next to me. “Heya, princess. It’s good to see you. You should come around more often.”

“Yeah,” I managed. “School gets busy. How are you?”

“Same shit, different day. I got some tax man so far up my ass it’s like my colonoscopy all over again. But f*ck it. How’s the family?”

“They’re good. Rachel’s getting big.”

“I bet. I’ve gotta get down there for a visit. Your father always throws good barbecues. I’ll make more of that ‘lemonade.’?”

“Definitely. This summer.”

“Well, sir,” Junior said to Brian. “Don’t want to steal this pretty lady away from you any longer.”

“What are you thinking?” I said when Junior had gone.

“A lot of things,” Brian said. “I feel so sad for you.”

“And?”

“And. And I know this is gonna sound bad, but I can’t help wondering if it changes things for us.”

“It doesn’t,” I said. “I’m still me.”

“You can’t tell me this stuff doesn’t affect you at all.”

“No, you know me.” I pulled my hands under the table, rubbed at the thin white rings of scar tissue at my wrists. Wounds I’d explained away with an invented bicycle crash. “We’re supposed to be happy right now. You just asked me to move in with you,” I said, though that moment felt far away.

“I know. I just mean it’s a lot to work through. But, Ana?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m willing to do it, okay?”

“Okay,” I said.

“Want to get out of here?”

“Don’t think you’re leaving without dessert!” said Junior, rounding the corner with two bowls of panna cotta.

“Thanks, but we’re really full,” I said.

“Dessert is a separate compartment,” said Junior and set the bowls down on the table. Brian, who intuited that it would be quicker to eat the dessert than argue with Junior, took a few big spoonfuls, and I followed.

“Uncle J, can we have the check?” I said between bites.

“Unfortunately I can’t help you. No such check exists.”

“Come on. We want to pay you.”

“You’re students. Forget it.”

“All right,” I said, willing to give in if it meant we got to leave. “Thank you.”

“No problemo. And tell your father to call me for chrissakes.”

Out on the street it was much windier than it had been when we’d gone in, strong gusts cutting through my jacket. Brian always sped up in the cold, and I struggled to match his pace.

“Have you ever thought about going back?” he said.

“Sometimes. But I don’t know what for.”

“It might give you some closure.”

“Oh, here we go.” Annoyed, I stopped trying to keep up.

Brian slowed, too. “Hey, don’t do that. I didn’t mean anything by it.”

“You don’t know the first thing about dealing with this stuff.”

“I know. You’re right.” We were blocking the sidewalk, and he broached the gap between us. He tried to pull my hand from my pocket, but I jerked away.

“It’s cold.”

“Ana, I’m sorry. Just come home with me. Elliot’s still off at some design conference. We’ll have the place to ourselves. We can…decompress.” He was holding on to my wrist inside my jacket pocket, and I interlaced my fingers with his. I could feel myself relenting. I didn’t want to fight with him, and I didn’t want to be alone.



Brian and I had quiet sex that felt like an apology. Normally we were relaxed with one another, having learned the patterns of each other’s bodies. But now we were overly careful, each of us fumbling to show the other we were willing to repair the trust I had broken. When it was over I felt a longing for the blitheness I had ruined.

“What is it?” Brian said.

“Nothing.”

“I can see you thinking.”

“Really, nothing.”

“How do you hold all this stuff inside such a little person?” he said, pressing his palm to my chest. “Don’t you feel like you’re going to explode?”

“I’m more worried about you.”

“What about me?”

“What you’re thinking, about all this.”

“I’m thinking that’s why you like Sebald.”

“Oh, don’t start.”

He smiled his crooked smile and ran a finger across my cheek. “Seriously though.”

“Isn’t there anything you want to know?”

“Everything,” he said. “But not tonight. We have time. Tonight let’s just do this.” He slipped his arm beneath me, and I laid my head on his chest.

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