Ghosts of Manhattan: A Novel(18)

Janice looks uncomfortable. Even the guys are squirming. These are the kind of conversations we try to avoid having with our wives in the room. Nobody gives Conrad a prompt to continue the conversation but it doesn’t matter.

He seems to have picked up that Janice isn’t happy, so he addresses this for the benefit of the table. “Janice doesn’t mind. She knows I have an Asian fetish. The best part is, she actually likes my Asian fetish.”

I don’t know if William is curious or if he’s awkwardly trying to help. “Is that right, Janice? It turns you on that Conrad has yellow fever?” William is laughing along with it and misses an angry glare from Jen.

Janice doesn’t know how to respond but Conrad answers for her anyway. “Oh, she digs it.” He takes another sip of his drink. “Trust me.” His voice gets deeper and more southern.

Jerry’s wife, Alison, chimes in. “I have a theory about guys with an Asian fetish.”

“Oh?” says Conrad.

“The guys who develop an Asian fetish are the guys who can’t get laid any other way.”

Jerry and I laugh out loud. Conrad isn’t laughing but isn’t taking offense either. He’s thinking over the merits of the theory.

“No,” he says. “That’s a lot of bull. Some guys just like Asians. It’s that simple.”

Janice looks fully embarrassed. I don’t know if she’s embarrassed about this absurd conversation or if she really does dig his fetish and she’s embarrassed that we now know about it.

“Jen, where are you and William going for your honeymoon?” Julia tries to get the table talk back under control. I hope it’s a trip anywhere in Asia.

“We’re thinking about Hawaii or Turks and Caicos.”

“Fantastic.” Julia tries to keep it going. Jen looks stunned and can’t seem to get a thought together to participate further.

“Turks and Caicos.” Conrad slaps his hand on the table. His buzz is huge. I don’t think it can be cured with food or coffee and we’re stuck with it for the night. “What a place.”

We all nod, waiting for the story Conrad obviously wants to tell. “Janice and I went last year right after the bonus check came in.” He pans around the table, giving each of the guys a look. “It’s the last windy I got. The next one will probably be when I get the next bonus check. The only time I ever get a windy is with a big bonus check.” Conrad starts laughing like it’s part of the joke and should make it funnier for us.

Jen picks the wrong time to get curious. “What’s a . . .” She gets the euphemism for fellatio before she finishes the question. “Oh.”

I look up at Julia, who has her nose in her wineglass taking a sip. I can tell she’s in disbelief that a night like this can be part of her life. I hear a thud from the other end of the table. Janice’s fist has hit the table top and her hands are now pressed against her ears.

Conrad puts his hand on her shoulder. “Hey, babe.”

She smacks his arm away. It isn’t just a leave-me-alone smack. It has real rage. “You’re a bastard! A sick bastard.”

“What the hell?”

There’s about thirty seconds of silence. This is pretty accurate because after a pause I actually start counting and get to twenty. Then Janice straightens up and composes herself and looks around the table as though she just arrived and is greeting us all for the first time. “Excuse me.”

William, Jerry, and I all do a half stand, then sit back down. Like a gentleman, Conrad gets all the way up and helps her with her chair and she goes to the bathroom.

Conrad sits back down and exhales a big breath. “She can get like that.”

“I wonder why.” Julia looks at me wide-eyed and I realize I said this out loud.

The silence is making everyone fidget and stare at their plates, so Julia tries to break it. “Jen, this is a great apartment. How long have you and William been here?”

“About four months.”

“You’ve done a nice job with it.”

“Thanks.”

Silence again.

I look at William and give him a nod to get us out of this, which he understands. “Why don’t you all take your drinks into the living room while I clear the table and bring out coffee? Also, if you’re interested, the elevator can access the roof and there’s a great 360-degree view of the city.”

Since the living room is also the dining room, I’m tempted to go to the roof but it’s too cold out and I’m sure it’s windy as hell up there. I stand and take Julia’s hand and we walk a couple steps to a sofa and sit down. Jen and William are clearing plates and Alison decides to make herself busy and helps. Jerry comes to join us and Conrad doesn’t move from his seat. He seems to be getting into the tired drunk phase, which is better for the rest of us.

Jerry, Julia, and I have a decent conversation about benign things like the subway and tunnel congestion. It’s talk for the sake of talk but we all rightly have the attitude that we just need to get through this.

It’s probably twenty minutes before Janice is back. William turns on music and serves coffee and port. We might salvage a half-decent hour before the end of the night, but I need a break first and I excuse myself for the bathroom. I don’t need to use the toilet, I just want to kill a few minutes, so I wash my hands and splash my face. I’m drying with a hand towel when the door behind me bangs open and Jen steps in. She looks everywhere but at me and she looks determined. Still not looking at me, she steps to the shower and yanks. All the curtain rings screech to a bunch at one end. We both look into the empty shower, then finally at each other.