Gameboard of the Gods (Age of X, #1)(112)

That brought a flicker of a smile to his lips. “No. It was worth it to meet our country’s noble defenders.” He glanced away for a few moments, and when he looked back up, all traces of humor were gone. His dark eyes bored into her. “Why didn’t you tell me? Why didn’t you tell me about Porfirio and that funeral?”

Mae froze, unable to respond for several seconds. “How do you know about that?” she asked in a low, low voice. But it was a stupid question. Val and Dag had spilled everything because they had no control switch.

“You should have told me.” There was a surprising desperation in him. “You should’ve told me that you were only with me as a punishment. And that you were in mourning after some ill-fated romance. Fuck, Mae. If I’d known that, I never would have…I don’t know. I would’ve done things a lot differently.”

The world spun for a moment and then abruptly snapped back into focus. Something exploded in Mae’s chest, and she shot to her feet. “No!” she exclaimed. “You can’t know that. It’s mine. Everything else you’ve clawed out of me. That was the one thing I still had. The part of me you hadn’t figured out with your goddamned ‘amazing’ sleuthing skills. You can’t know everything about me. You have no right!”

She was surprised to find she was clenching her fists. Even the implant had spun up a little with her agitation. It wasn’t the content that bothered her so much. The story of Porfirio and the funeral was widely known. But in seizing that last piece of her life, it was like Justin had unraveled everything about her. She was open and exposed. There was no escaping, and she suddenly hated him for it.

Perhaps the only satisfying thing here was his complete and total shock. She didn’t know what he’d expected from her, but this outrage obviously wasn’t it. Finally. Something he hadn’t figured out.

“Mae…” He faltered. There it was, another rarity: him without a clever response.

“You think you’re so smart,” she continued. “You think it’s a game—that it’s some right you have—to pry and crack open other people. But you can’t! You can’t do that to people.”

His face was perfectly still as he processed her words. “I told you before that I can’t help it,” he said finally. “I can’t help seeing the things I do.”

Mae crossed her arms and stalked away to the kitchen. She opened the bottle of ree he’d left there and, without any formalities, took a long drink before speaking again. “You don’t have to flaunt it.”

She didn’t want to look at him. She didn’t want him to see something else in her. Seeing the outside of her body was nothing compared to seeing the inside. Even now, he was probably analyzing her outburst, and she already felt too raw and exposed. If she kept her back to him, maybe she could hide the hole in her that she felt he’d ripped open. The silence that stretched between them was agonizing. When he spoke again, his voice was very, very quiet.

“I’m sorry.”

Somehow, she knew he didn’t apologize very often. If ever. That didn’t mean all was right with the world, but she felt the need to acknowledge his words. Slowly, against her better judgment, she turned around and felt the first flush of the ree hitting her, bringing a slight tingling to her limbs.

“That doesn’t change things,” she said.

“No,” he agreed. “I can’t take back what I said. Or what I know. I’m sorry.”

There it was again. She swallowed and forced that calm indifference onto her face. “Nothing to be done. But thanks for the apology.”

“But it’s not accepted.”

She threw up her hands. “What do you expect me to say?”

“I don’t know.” He slumped back. “I meant what I said back in Panama: You’re hard to read. And I don’t know how to deal with that. You’re still that devastatingly beautiful Nordic nine who looks so sad sometimes and is terrified of losing control. I want to understand that. I mean, I guess I kind of do now, but still. I know you think I have no respect for women, but I really wouldn’t have taken advantage of you back then. And when I gave you that * line about no second dates, I really wish that—well.” He shook his head. “Forget it.”

“You didn’t take advantage of me.” Mae took another long drink of ree. “And I’m not in mourning. I mean, I didn’t want him to die. I’m sad for that—I am. But everyone seems to forget I ended things with him. I refused him.”

“Why did you? From what Dag and Val said, you guys were—” Justin abruptly stopped and looked sheepish. “Sorry. Horatio’s just tactfully reminded me I’m doing it again—pushing you. It’s none of my business.”

Horatio. The raven that lived inside Justin’s head. She’d almost forgotten about that in the midst of this new drama.

“What else do they say?” she asked. As the ree continued to work, talking about imaginary ravens didn’t seem that strange.

“They tell me you’ve already forgotten about the guy who was here.”

Mae supposed that was true. It also was a conclusion Justin himself might have subconsciously drawn. She sighed.

“Do you want to know why I have control issues?” she asked. “It’s because people have been trying to control me since birth. Only my dad didn’t, and he’s been gone for years.” Mae wasn’t sure where her next words came from. “I know what else you want to know,” she said. She wanted to believe this admission was ree-driven, but some part of her also needed to let out what was inside. He’d shown discretion with everything else he knew about her, and besides, she kind of had leverage over him. “You want to know how a Nordic nine ended up in the military.”