Forget Her Name(98)

I stare at the emptiness outside.

‘Rachel?’ I whisper.

I’m filled with the most intolerable sadness. I’ve wasted so many years of my life. And done the most appalling thing, wantonly destroying the life of another human being. I didn’t know what I was doing, and couldn’t always control myself. And yet what happened to Felicity is part of me. I can’t deny or undo it.

All I can do is live with the aftermath of that horror, and try never to let the madness take hold of me again.

It’s not easy though. Rachel was so real to me, a living, breathing sister who existed in my head for all those years. I may have imagined my interactions with her, constructed all those family scenes and conflicts in my head to help my subconscious mind process her ‘death’, to ensure I never slipped back into being Rachel again. But the pain of her absence is a real thing, too.

Rachel was me, and I was Rachel.

Now I have to accept that my ‘sister’ is gone forever. And I’m alone with the terrible understanding of what I did in her name.

Behind me, someone knocks on the door.

‘Come in.’

The door opens almost silently.

‘Hello, Cat.’

I turn from the snow, staring in disbelief at the man in front of me.

Dominic is leaner than ever, his jeans loose on his hips. He has cut his hair, I realise. It’s almost painfully short now. But I suppose I’ve changed more than he has.

His eyes widen as he takes in my figure, then he shakes his head. ‘I didn’t believe it when I heard,’ he says, still staring. ‘Not until now.’

I move clumsily and he hurries forward, ready to support me.

‘I don’t need your help,’ I snap at him.

He backs off, hands held high. ‘Sorry, of course not. My bad.’ He steps away and looks out of the window instead. At the snow I’ve come to love and hate. Its frozen, ice-locked purity. After another moment, he says, his tone subdued, ‘I’m sorry if I startled you. You must be wondering why I’m here.’

‘Top marks.’

‘Robert rang me a few weeks ago. He thought I should fly out to visit you. I didn’t want to at first. It felt like the wrong thing to do. Disastrous, in fact.’ He comes close again, and this time I don’t push him away. ‘But then he rang again, and told me—’

I interrupt him. ‘You’re too late. We’re on our way back to London soon. As early as tomorrow, maybe.’

‘I know.’ He leans his forehead against the glass, closing his eyes. ‘Robert told me just now.’

I’m silent for a moment. ‘He should have let me know you were here.’

‘I asked him not to.’

‘Why?’ I’m tense, furious with them both. How dare they interfere?

‘You know why.’ Dominic looks round at me, studying me with wary incredulity again. ‘I wanted to be here last week, but . . . Well, I’m here now.’

‘And you can go away again.’

‘I deserve that, I suppose.’

‘You haven’t exactly been in a big hurry to visit.’

‘There was something I had to do first. It wasn’t easy.’ His face is bleak. ‘I spent a few days sitting with Felicity, telling her everything I could think of, holding her hand, letting her know how much I loved her. How much we all loved her. Then I turned off the ventilator myself.’ He’s very pale. ‘She only lived for thirty minutes. I buried her last week.’

‘I’m sorry.’

‘Are you?’ He searches my face, frowning. ‘Well, I said it was time to let Felicity go. I just didn’t realise how hard it would be, in the end. She was such a huge part of my life.’ He draws an unsteady breath. ‘Like you.’

‘I’m sorry about Felicity.’ I pull out the chair from under the desk. ‘But I’m not part of your life anymore, Dom. And you’re not part of mine.’

‘Understood.’ He closes his eyes as though in pain, then opens them again, meeting my gaze directly. ‘One question though, Rachel, Catherine or whoever you are now . . . Is it mine?’

I sit down and pass a hand over my swollen belly. ‘It’s a she,’ I say. ‘And what kind of stupid question is that?’ I glare at him, angry now. ‘Of course she’s yours. I never played away. You’re the one who couldn’t keep his hands to himself.’

‘That’s not true.’

‘Sally?’

‘We never . . . It wasn’t like that. It was a flirtation, that’s all. I only ever had eyes for you.’ Dominic comes towards me and I shake my head. ‘Please, Rachel, Cat . . . don’t do this, don’t push me away. I’ve tried living without you and I can’t do it. And now this.’ He stares at my pregnant bump. ‘Whatever mistakes I made, she’s my baby too. You can’t shut me out.’

‘You only married me to get revenge for your sister.’

He nods, looking almost sick. ‘True.’

‘So why the fuck are you here?’

‘Because I’m in love with you,’ he blurts out, then looks away, staring out at the mountains, his face contorted with agony. ‘I bloody well fell in love with you.’

I stare at him. How can I believe a word he says?