Forget Her Name(59)

There’s an announcement over the loudspeaker system, but I can’t seem to focus on it. The crowd is slowly beginning to disperse. I don’t want to look, and turn my head the other way, shuddering. There’s a hat lying on the ground a few feet from us. I stare at it in shock, then let Dominic lead me away.

The police keep us at Embankment station for ages, taking names and witness statements from those nearest the edge of the platform. I don’t say much, as I didn’t see anything. The platform is closed while they deal with the incident, and we all have to file out of the station to be questioned. It takes nearly an hour and it’s freezing and dark outside. Once it’s over, we’re told the Underground is closed now until Boxing Day, so give up on that idea and cram into a taxi instead. Sally and Louise drop us off outside a Chinese takeaway near my parents’ house, then head home together with contributions towards the final fare from all our pockets.

We shouldn’t still be hungry after the meal we had earlier, but we are. All the booze and stress, I suppose. We grab some food at the takeaway, mercifully still open, and arrive back at the house at one in the morning. To my relief, my parents’ guests have all gone and the house is in darkness, though remnants of the party are still in evidence, the dishwasher on its rinse cycle and half-empty wine glasses everywhere. In the kitchen, over a hot drink and our Chinese food, Dominic tells me and Jasmine that he saw the dead man ‘fly’ past him, as he puts it.

‘I think maybe it was a suicide,’ he decides in the end, ‘not accidental. But obviously I can’t be sure. There were so many people near the edge of the platform. It looked like he jumped. But maybe he was pushed and lost his footing.’

‘There’ll be CCTV on the platform,’ I say, trying not to sound as shaken as I feel. ‘The police should be able to work it out.’

Jasmine looks unconvinced. ‘In that crush of people? It was so crowded, I nearly fell under the train myself. And the quality on those CCTV films isn’t brilliant. I doubt they’ll be able to see much.’

I help myself to some noodles, staring down at them.

‘I wonder who he was,’ Dominic says.

I say nothing. But my mind keeps flashing back to the only thing I saw as people dissipated in panic from that end of the platform.

The grey hat, trampled on the ground . . . no sign of its owner.

My hand shakes and I put down my fork.

It must have happened directly in front of where I was standing.

My heart feels like it’s beating incredibly slowly. As if the blood in my veins has turned thick and treacly. Was it me who pushed that man onto the tracks? I remember grabbing at someone’s arm in the chaos, and feeling them shift under my weight. Then I pushed hard.

Looking back, I realise I can’t be sure where anyone was. Or exactly what happened. But there’s this dark tide of guilt inside me. Guilt and fear.

‘Catherine?’ Dominic leans over to kiss my cheek, and I grab his shoulder, holding on desperately. He laughs. ‘I’m not going anywhere, stop panicking.’

‘I thought for an awful minute it was you.’

‘Me?’

‘Under the train.’

His laughter stills. ‘Why would you think that?’

‘I don’t know.’ I manage a smile, wanting to reassure him. But inside I feel like jelly. ‘Just being silly, I guess.’

‘Time for bed,’ he says firmly, and puts down his fork.

Jasmine takes the hint and starts clearing up the takeaway. She has barely touched her food, I notice. Not surprising, perhaps, after what happened in the tube station.

‘You two go upstairs,’ Jasmine says in a low voice, scraping her plate into the bin. ‘I can sort this out.’

‘You’re sure?’

‘Of course.’ Her voice drops to a whisper. ‘You don’t look too good, Cat. Best go to bed.’

I head off down the dark passageway to the stairs. I hate being treated like a kid. Yet people seem to treat me like one on a regular basis. Maybe I’m behaving like a kid, too.

Someone is coming downstairs. It’s Dad. He looks old and weary in his dressing gown, his hair dishevelled.

‘Oh, Catherine, thank God you’re not hurt,’ he says as I flick the light on. He hurries to embrace me. ‘Jasmine’s text only just came through.’

‘Text?’

‘About what happened in the tube station. So terrible.’ He studies my face sympathetically. ‘Her text said you were very upset.’

‘I thought I knew him,’ I blurt out.

‘The man who went under the train?’ He sounds stunned.

‘Maybe not knew, exactly. I thought I’d seen him before, that’s what I meant. Quite recently.’ I trail off under his searching gaze. ‘I could have been mistaken.’

I look down at my feet. My ankle isn’t hurting as much anymore, which is one good thing, at least.

‘Of course you were mistaken, darling,’ says Dominic, appearing at my side. He strokes my cheek with the back of his hand. ‘You were traumatised by what happened, you weren’t thinking straight.’

I say nothing.

Dominic gives my father a reassuring smile. ‘Robert. Did we wake you?’

‘No, I wasn’t asleep, I was . . . reading. Ellen is asleep though, so we’d better keep our voices down.’ Dad is frowning, his gaze still on me. It’s unnerving. ‘Catherine, may I ask where you thought you might have seen him before, this man?’