Fool Me Once(38)

“You could hear their laughter rolling up those hills and right through the windows. My mom would sit in the parlor and just smile.”

Caroline smiled now. It was her mother’s smile, and yet it was also a facsimile, somehow not nearly as magnetic or powerful as the original.

“Do you know much about my brother Andrew?”

“No,” Maya said.

“Joe didn’t talk about him?”

He had, of course. Joe had revealed a huge secret about his brother’s death that Maya had no intention of sharing with Caroline or anyone else.

“The world thinks my brother fell off that boat . . .”

She and Joe had been at a resort in Turks and Caicos, lying naked in bed. They were both on their backs, staring up at the ceiling. Joe’s eyes glistened in the moonlight. The window was open, and the ocean breeze made her skin tingle. Maya had taken his hand then.

“The truth is, Andrew jumped . . .”

Maya said, “He didn’t talk about him much.”

“Too painful, I suppose. They were so close.” Caroline stopped walking. “Please don’t misunderstand me, Maya. Joe and Andrew both loved me and, well, Neil was the annoying little brother they tolerated. But really, it was the two of them—Joe and Andrew. They were both at the same prep school when Andrew died, did you know that?”

Maya nodded.

“Franklin Biddle Academy down near Philadelphia. They lived in the same dorm, played on the same soccer team. We have this huge house, but Joe and Andrew still wanted to share a bedroom.”

“Andrew killed himself, Maya. He was in that much pain and I never saw it . . .”

“Maya?”

She turned to Caroline.

“What did you make of today? Of this . . . postponement?”

“I don’t know.”

“No theories?”

“Your attorney made it sound like it was a bureaucratic snafu.”

“And you believe that?”

Maya shrugged. “I was in the military. Bureaucratic snafus are practically the norm.”

Caroline looked down.

“What?” Maya said.

“Did you see him?”

“Who?”

“Joe,” Caroline said.

Maya felt her entire body stiffen. “What are you talking about?”

“His body,” Caroline said softly. “Before the funeral. Did you see Joe’s body?”

Maya slowly shook her head. “No.”

Caroline raised her head. “Don’t you think that’s odd?”

“It was a closed casket.”

“Was that your choice?”

“No.”

“Then whose?”

“I assume your mother’s.”

Caroline nodded, as if that made sense. “I asked to see him.”

Forget peaceful and tranquil—the silence of their surroundings started to feel suffocating. Maya tried to take deep, even breaths. There was always something in the silence, all silences, something she both cherished and feared.

“You’ve seen your share of dead people, haven’t you, Maya?”

“I don’t understand what you’re getting at.”

“When soldiers die, why is it so important that you bring the bodies home?”

Caroline was annoying her now. “Because we don’t leave anyone behind.”

“Yes, I’ve heard that. But why? I know you’ll say it’s to honor the dead and all that, but I think there’s something more. The soldier is dead. You can’t do anything more for him—or her, I don’t mean to be sexist. You bring the body home, not for the dead but for the family, don’t you? The loved ones at home, they need to see the deceased. They need the body. They need that closure.”

Maya was not in the mood to explore this subject. “What’s your point?”

“I didn’t just want to see Joe. I needed to see him. I needed to make it real. If you don’t see a body, you don’t quite get it. It’s like . . .”

“Like what?”

“Like maybe it didn’t happen. Like maybe they’re still alive. You dream about them.”

“You dream about the dead too.”

“Oh, I know. But it’s different without closure. When we lost Andrew at sea . . .”

Again that stupid phraseology.

“. . . I never saw his body either.”

That surprised Maya. “Wait, why not? They recovered it, didn’t they?”

“That’s what I was told.”

“You don’t believe it?”

Caroline shrugged. “I was young. They never showed me his body. Closed casket again. I have visions, Maya. Daydreams about him. Still. To this day. I have these dreams where Andrew never died and I wake up and he’s standing right there, by that soccer net, and he’s smiling and making saves. Oh, I know he’s not here. I know he died in an accident, but I also don’t know. Do you see? I could never accept Andrew’s death. Sometimes I think he survived the fall and swam off and he’s on an island somewhere, and one day I’ll see him and it’ll all be okay. But if I could have seen his body . . .”

Maya stood very still.

“So I knew. I knew this time I couldn’t make that mistake again. That’s why I asked to see Joe’s body. I begged really. I didn’t care if he looked messed up. That might have even helped me in a way. I needed to do it so I’d accept that he was really gone, you know?”