Five Winters(19)

“That was fun,” Jaimie panted, lying half-on, half-off the sofa. “Thank you, Milo’s owners. Come on, let’s go to bed.”

When we were under the covers, he turned to me, stroking my hair back from my face. “Try not to worry so much about the girls. I keep telling you, they’ll come round to you eventually.”

I hoped so. I’d thought at first that having the girls as part of my life would satisfy my maternal cravings, but if anything, my desire to have a family of my own had increased since I’d moved here. Jaimie and Harriet were Olivia and Emily’s parents, not me.

I’d put off speaking to Jaimie about how I felt so far, but now I said casually, “I can’t help thinking everything would work better if the girls had a new brother or sister. You know, if you and I had a child together.”

Jaimie’s reaction was dramatic, to say the least. His whole body stiffened, and he moved away from me in bed, as if I’d suddenly become radioactive. “Bloody hell,” he said. “I should think that would make things more difficult, not less.”

My own body felt suddenly hollow—my insides scooped out by his tone of voice. “Why?”

“Because they’d be jealous as hell. Besides, having kids is expensive. And a lot of work. As I thought you’d have realised by now.”

A minute ago, I’d been happy and laughing. Now, the bottom of my world had imploded. I should never have brought the subject up. And yet . . . I sort of had to, didn’t I? I’d moved here to make a life with Jaimie. I needed to know what that life was going to be. “So are you saying there’s no chance of my ever having a baby?”

Jaimie reached out to stroke my hair. “I just think things will get better for you with Emily and Olivia if you give it more time,” he said, not answering my question. “You’re doing so well.”

“Am I? Nothing I do for them is ever right.”

“Nothing I do for them is ever right either. They’re kids. That’s what being a parent is like.”

“You didn’t answer my question,” I said.

He sighed. “Look, it’s late, sweetheart. I’ve got to get up early in the morning. You haven’t lived here very long. How about we have this conversation again in six months’ time? Okay?” He moved close to kiss me. “Did you know you have glitter on the end of your nose? It looks very cute.”

“I’m not surprised,” I said, reaching up to wipe it off, remembering Olivia’s painting, which was still in the back of my car.

“Oh, by the way, you’re reprieved,” Jaimie said, settling back against the pillows and yawning widely. “Harriet called me today. She’s managed to change that work thing she had, so she can come to Olivia’s nativity play after all.”

“Oh,” I said, disappointed.

“You don’t mind not going, do you?” Jaimie said, opening one eye to look at me. “Take it from me, if you’ve seen one nativity play, you’ve seen them all.”

But I hadn’t seen one. Or at least not since I was actually in one myself.

“No,” I said bravely. “That’s okay. Olivia will be thrilled that Harriet can come.”

But I was speaking to myself. Jaimie was already asleep.





8


When we first got together, Jaimie and I saw each other every weekend he didn’t have the girls—I went up to Ely once a month, and he came down to London once a month. They were weekends of sex—lots of it—and laughter and talking. I learnt all about Jaimie’s childhood on the Kent coast, his time at university in London, his first teaching job in Cambridgeshire, and his meeting of Harriet through a friend of a friend. In turn, I told Jaimie all about myself and my bumpy start in life.

When we weren’t in bed, we explored. In Ely, I was awed by the vast magnificence of the cathedral. Entertained by a group of Morris dancers performing with their jingly ankle bells and clashing sticks. Charmed by the reflections of boats as we drank beer outside a waterfront pub, Jaimie’s arm firmly around my shoulders.

In London, we saw the crown jewels in the Tower of London and a production of Macbeth at Shakespeare’s Globe. Went on an adrenaline-charged speedboat ride on the Thames and up in a lift to the very top of the Shard to drink champagne while gazing out at the view of London Bridge. It was like being on holiday, both of us proud to show off what our cities had to offer.

We were on the London Eye in a capsule with twenty or so other people when Jaimie took me in his arms, turning his back on the view of Big Ben and the Houses of Parliament.

“How come you’re here?” he asked.

I laughed, unsure what he meant at first. “For the spectacular views? Because it’s romantic?”

He shook his head. “I don’t mean that. I mean, why hasn’t anyone snapped you up before now?”

I shrugged, avoiding his gaze. “I just haven’t met the right person yet, that’s all. Bad timing, I suppose. Misalignment of the stars.”

I’d never mentioned my feelings for Mark to Jaimie, and I had no intention of ever doing so. It was humiliating to think how stupid I’d been to let a crush go on for so long. This was love, wasn’t it? This wanting to be with someone to the extent that you neglected your friends and your beloved garden?