Five Ways to Fall (Ten Tiny Breaths, #4)(88)

I hazard a step forward to put a hand on his forearm. For reassurance, for comfort. For friendship.

“God.” Ben shakes his head, his nostrils flaring. “I still can’t stand the smell of cut wood. It makes me want to puke. And the sound of a saw cutting . . .” He squeezes his eyes shut as he shudders.

“Well then, come on.” I hook my arm through his and wait for those eyes to open and focus on me. I take slow steps backward, pulling him away from the dank barn and the sharp saws, the lingering memories. He lets me lead him out. “Let’s get you out of here.”





Chapter 28




BEN





“I thought she was die-hard Christian,” Reese whispers as I lead her into Elsie’s old room. The walls and curtains are still the same color—white and yellow—but all the boy band posters and cheerleading stuff that made it feel like my older sister’s room have long since been packed away.

“She is, but she’s also die-hard get-Ben-married,” I say with a chuckle, adding, “and you don’t have to whisper. Mama’s room is on the other side of the house, and a f*cking jumbo jet crashing into the house wouldn’t wake my dad up once he’s out.”

I feel her come up behind me, wrapping her arms around my sides to clasp her hands on my chest. “So do you want a church wedding? Because I’m partial to eloping.”

“Uh . . .”

She snorts against my back. “Your heart is racing.”

Lifting an arm up and over, I pull her around and to my chest, just so I can make her tip her head back and look at me. I love her face angled up like this. “Funny.”

“I thought so.” Lifting onto her tiptoes, she lays a soft kiss on my lips. It catches me off guard, but not in a bad way. It’s just the first time she’s actually done that. I’m always the one stealing the kisses. It’s the second time today that she’s done it.

Peeling away from me, she slaps my ass. “Bathroom’s the third on the left?”

“Yeah.” I watch her sling her knapsack over her shoulder and step into the hall, smiling. When I hear the bathroom door click, I take the opportunity to make my way down the hall to Mama’s door to find her room empty. On a whim, I keep heading down the hall, rounding the corner quietly. I’ve snuck out of this place so many times, I still know how to avoid the loud creaks.

My father’s door sits open a crack, enough so that my mama’s voice carries out clearly.

“I’ve given you thirty-three years of my life, Joshua. I’ve hoped and prayed that you’d come back to me, that the young man I fell in love with, who gave me five beautiful children, was still somewhere in there. But . . .” I hear her ragged sob before she stifles it, pausing before speaking again. “But I know now that he’s gone for good, because the Joshua I fell in love with wouldn’t keep hurting his own child. Of all our children, Ben is the one who has reason not to come around again and yet he’s here.”

My dad’s rough voice pipes in then with, “Well, he feels guilty.”

“Maybe,” she admits through a sniff. “But it’s also because he loves fiercely. That boy has always had so much love to give and I’m afraid that after what he’s grown up with, he’s never going to give anyone a real chance. None of them will.”

“The others are fine.”

“The others are not fine, Joshua. Josh’s wife left him because he drinks too much and had an affair, and Elsie’s turned down that boy’s proposal twice because she doesn’t know how to trust a man. They just broke up for good this time. Jake doesn’t want to marry Rita, who’s carrying his child, because he’s afraid to jinx it.”

Shit, I didn’t know any of that.

Mama clears her throat. “I need to do what’s right for my children now. What I should have done years ago.” I hear the creak of my granddaddy’s rocking chair as Mama stands. “This ol’ house is falling apart, and it’s not because of loose shingles or leaking pipes or a crooked porch. It’s because it’s lost its family. It’s soul. And without it, there’s no point in any of it anymore.”

Not a word comes from my father. No argument, no pleading, no apologies. No excuses.

“The Cornells asked if we were interested in selling a while back. I’m going to see if they’re still interested.”

What? Sell? She just finished saying that she won’t sell!

Finally, my dad speaks up. “I thought you didn’t want to sell the grove, Wilma.”

“I don’t.” Her voice cracks. “But we can’t continue like this and I love my children too much not to make a change.” Much closer to the door, I hear her add, “You know, I learned to live with the whiskey, I even forgave you for all the women. I blamed myself for that, for not staying attractive enough to satisfy you.”

Hearing that, my teeth actually crack, they’re clenched so tight.

“But I can never forgive you for trying to kill that sparkle in my baby’s eyes. And I’ll never forgive myself for allowing this to go on for so long.”

The door opens and Mama steps out, her eyes red and puffy from crying. She sees me and immediately puts on a brave smile as she pulls the door behind her. It doesn’t hide her wobbling bottom lip.