Finding Grace(10)

I often craved a bit of time to sit quietly, like I used to do before having the kids. Yet only a few minutes after Grace and Blake had left, I started to miss the sounds that usually filled the house. Our daughter was such a bundle of energy, a joy, and I absolutely loved her to bits.

She’d been a good little helper since Oscar was born too, although I’d noticed lately that the initial novelty of having a brand-new baby brother seemed to be waning. At first she’d jump up to fetch and carry at the first sign I needed anything. Now, she sometimes had a little grumble to herself if I asked her to help.

It was possible she was feeling a bit left out, which was one of the reasons I’d agreed to my dad looking after Oscar yesterday.

Just recently, I’d been thinking about looking around locally for a little part-time job. Nothing too complicated, just a few hours when Grace was at school and hopefully Dad could have Oscar.

Lots of the mums at the weekly playgroup I took Oscar to came dressed in their smart office clothes. After the session, they never hung around for a chat; just grabbed their babies and bolted out to drop them off with a relative or a childminder so they could go to work.

I wasn’t judging them; needs must. We could really do with the extra money a part-time job would bring, but up to now, Blake and I both felt it was more important for me to be with the kids. Maybe I’d raise it with Blake, see what he thought.

I lay on my side, picked up Oscar’s little tiger toy and waved it in front of his face. He always seemed particularly delighted with this game, his little body jerking with excitement each time he dropped the toy, in anticipation that it would magically reappear within seconds.

I felt guilty looking at his beautiful bright face as I thought back to how devastated I was when I found out I was pregnant last year. It was a total rookie mistake I’d made, too.

Blake and I had always planned to have two children, but after Grace was born, it never seemed to be the right time to try again, for one reason or another: lack of money, lack of space in our old house, my frequent attacks of anxiety… We kept putting it off, and in what seemed like no time at all, Grace had turned five and started school.

Then Blake became engrossed in his plans to run for councillor at some future point, and with Grace at school, it seemed a big leap to go back to having a newborn around. I went back on the pill and we just settled gratefully for what we had, without really discussing it at length.

I still felt stupid now when I thought about how it happened. I’d had a hideous stomach upset one weekend after we’d been out with Mike and Bev to a new Thai restaurant in town, and spent what seemed like a whole day in the bathroom before sleeping it off. I didn’t get out of bed until Tuesday.

When I was feeling better, I completely forgot to take my pill. and after another boozy night out a couple of weeks later, while my dad babysat Grace, the result was… Oscar.

It was a real shock to us both at first, but Blake readily adapted to the idea and I had to put a brave face on it, though in reality I had many sleepless nights and hours of worrying how life would be with a new baby again.

I came around to it in the end, and when we told Grace that she’d be getting a new brother or sister, she was apoplectic with joy.

‘I want a sister… a girl, pleeease! I can do her hair and play her my favourite Little Mix songs!’

But she loved him anyway when he arrived.

I handed Oscar his rattle again and picked up my Kindle, opening the thriller I’d started reading last night. I’d managed about three pages before I fell asleep with the device on my chest. Oscar had been fractious and snuffly the last few days with his cold, but last night, when Blake brought him back home from Dad’s, he’d rested really well so we were able to catch up on our own sleep a bit.

I idly picked at the hem of the quilt cover as I wondered what other plans Blake had for the day. He’d already mentioned he’d got to ‘pop out’ later, which was shorthand for being gone a while; hours sometimes. It’s not that I didn’t trust my husband; I did. But just lately, his impromptu absences seemed to have increased substantially. I don’t know… Blake often remarked that I had an over-active imagination. I supposed he might have a point.

Oscar let out an ear-curdling squeal, as if he felt frustrated, too.

‘I can’t just say no when people ask me for help, Luce,’ Blake said when I complained about the time council business took up at the weekends.

Anyhow, that was why I was so used to my husband being out of the house. He’d had to give up his job as a healthcare assistant at our local GP’s surgery to focus on his work as a Rushcliffe borough councillor, but still, he never seemed to have enough hours in the day. It was in his nature to do over and above what was required and expected, which was what made him so good at whatever he turned his hand to, and so popular with people in the local area.

My head snapped up at the sound of an ear-splitting scream and a bump.

‘Oh no!’ I raced around the bed and scooped up my baby from the floor. He was already bright red in the face from screeching. ‘I’m sorry, I’m sorry, darling.’

I sat down on the edge of the bed, stroking him and kissing his head, speaking soothingly to try and calm him. When he’d calmed a little, I propped him up on my knee so he was facing me. I looked him over.

An angry red welt throbbed on his left temple where he must have glanced his head on Blake’s bedside table as he fell. Thank goodness it hadn’t drawn blood, but I could tell just by looking that he’d have a mark there for a while and possibly some bruising.