Fight Night(35)

So … well … there was another guy working on the film who saw all this happening … how freaked out your mom was … and he brought her food … she was still so hungry … she continued giving most of her food to the dogs … They talked a lot, this guy and your mom … and she liked him! He kind of looked out for her. But … well … then what happened, happened between them. These things happen! She and this fellow formed … a bond. The director knew that he couldn’t get mad at this guy because he was the best at his job … the director needed this guy and … well, he needed your mom, too … it was far into the shoot and he couldn’t re-shoot the whole thing with another woman … So he had to accept … well, everything.

And then she was supposed to die for good! She had to drown … they had an underwater camera … there was a riptide and … oh, you name it … she felt like she was really drowning … again, she prayed and imagined you … for an atheist she sure did pray a lot on that set … and then … eventually her so-called dead body was hauled back to the shore and her movie lover … I think he was supposed to be a pirate … held her body … the director showed him how to kiss her … they’d put a board on her chest and then draped it with seaweed and rocks so you couldn’t see her breathe … yeah … she died! And then she came back to life. She fought her way back to life. Not in the movie, but in life!

When she came back to us … it took her all those months to understand what had happened to her. At first, she was embarrassed. I mean, more than embarrassed … She really believed that having the affair … which was nothing … it was a symptom … she believed it had destroyed her family, especially you … the person she loves most in the world. The guilt, the culpability, was eating her up. It was at that point where one of two things were going to happen. She would disappear right before our eyes. Or she would begin to rebuild. So … she started to rebuild! She fought her way back to life. It would take a while but … there you are! Here we are. Plain and simple.

But it didn’t happen overnight … Your mom tried to fix her relationship with your dad. She loved him, definitely, and she felt so awful … so awful … He would cry … that killed her … and again she felt it was all her fault … He didn’t really believe in her depression, or in her taking anti-depressants … he was so hurt and angry … She told him about the affair … and he drank even more than usual. He was turning yellow. His eyeballs were yellow. She checked herself into a psych ward at one point because she felt she was losing her mind, and she couldn’t … she couldn’t stop thinking of herself as a monster, as someone who had destroyed what she loved the most … Your dad called her a monster, a terrible mother … and then he’d apologize, but he’d say it again, and he’d apologize again … she was trying hard, she was really trying hard … She hadn’t fully understood what had happened to her … the fear, the terror, the shame … She was rebuilding … slowly, slowly … and then she found out she was pregnant!

Your mom was happy about that! She told your dad she was pregnant … she thought he’d be so happy … but … he was so mad. He said he knew it wasn’t his baby, it was the other guy’s baby … he kept insisting, and your mom said no, no, it was your dad’s baby, she knew it … she’d prove it … But he wouldn’t listen … he just would not listen! Maybe he didn’t want to know the truth … maybe it was an excuse for him to leave … Had he wanted to leave? I don’t know … he couldn’t take it anymore. Enna-way, it’s our baby, Swiv. Your dad left! He’s not really fighting fascists. He’s just somewhere else … and we don’t know where he is. Well, maybe he is fighting fascists. That would be like him. As you know … Swivchen, honey, I’m so sorry … I’m so sorry about all of this, but this is what happened, and it is right that you should know the truth. Come here, honey … sweetheart … my precious Swiv … here, let’s put your little tray up … let’s breathe … hooooooooooooooo …

And then … well, and then … little by little your mom really did rebuild. She came back to life. She found herself in the photo. She recognized her self. The fire inside. The ember. And here we are. She’s not crazy, Swiv. Whatever that is. She might have called herself crazy back then, but she’s not now. And she wasn’t crazy, ever. She was terrified. Her body knew it. It took her mind a while to catch up. She was grieving … she was grieving. We’re all so clumsy in our grief. She had lost Momo. She was used to Momo fighting alongside her. She had lost her dad. Your Grandpa. And she was so scared that she’d do what they did, too. She didn’t want to lose you. In Albania … she realized she didn’t want to die. She wanted to go home to be with you and your dad. She’d had an affair with that other guy for protection, for kindness—if it was kindness. It was protection. What she was doing was forming a team with that guy. We need teams. That was a good instinct. Survival. She was fighting, fighting, fighting … to stay alive. To get back to you. And here we are … where’s that nitro, honey? Well, that’s the truth … you know, fighting can be making peace … fighting can be going small … That’s the truth, Ruth!