Family of Liars(43)
To think that he’s kissed me all those times and had me up in his room, and told me his secret about getting into Amherst, and touched me so softly and urgently; to think that he made me feel clever, insightful, beautiful, impressive—and all the while, he’d have rather had Penny.
She is prettier than I am, no doubt. Even if beauty is subjective, even if beauty standards change over time, she is prettier than I—to everyone. Always. Even though I had my damned jaw broken and reconstructed.
Even though.
It doesn’t matter that I understand how Pfeff feels about college, or that I can see he’s a faker and call him on it, or that I’m good at speaking in front of people, or that I make him laugh.
It doesn’t matter that I feel things deeply and think about the world beyond Beechwood. Everyone loves Penny best. They love her best because how her eyes fit into the sockets of her skull, because of her extra quarter inch of cheekbone, because of her creamy, silky hair, and the line of her jaw and
the slight menace of her white canine teeth.
People will love Penny best even though she doesn’t care about them, or
because she doesn’t care, even though she’s not much good in school and is careless of everyone’s feelings. Even though she cannot cook like Bess does, and does everything sloppily, and
never puts herself out for anyone, people will still love her best.
I could hack off my own heel with a butcher knife (I have hacked up my mouth already); but it would not be enough to win me love, because still the blood would seep into the glass slipper,
telling the world I am worthless, while Penny slides easily into that shoe, puts her hand in his, and
takes him
from me.
47.
I WAIT FOR Penny in her room with the light out, sitting on her bed with my knees pulled up to my chest.
She comes in with Erin behind her.
Of course, Erin.
They flip on the light and Penny startles to see me there. “Erin,” she says. “Could you give us a minute?”
“I’ve got nowhere to go,” says Erin. “Your parents are downstairs. I’m not hanging out with them by myself.”
“Go back to Goose,” says Penny.
“No, thank you,” says Erin. “You two talk in Carrie’s room, or take a walk or something.”
I don’t know why Erin is so huffy with Penny, but I say, “A walk is fine.”
I do not want to have this conversation in my room, because of Rosemary. I don’t know what she might overhear.
Penny grabs a jacket and stomps downstairs as if she is the one angry with me.
I follow her.
We avoid Tipper and Harris by going out the mudroom door and head for the perimeter path.
Now that we are alone, I do not know where to start. We walk in silence for a few minutes.
“I want to know how you could do that to me,” I blurt finally. “I would never do anything like that to you. Never.”
“I wasn’t doing it to you,” says Penny.
“You were,” I say. “You knew I was with Pfeff. You knew it, and you chose to ruin the one good thing I had, I don’t know, just because you could? Because we never had a heart-to-heart about it? Because I haven’t been hanging out with you so much? Why?”
“I—”
“Or does it make you feel powerful to kiss a guy when you know he’s with someone else? Or do you hate me for some reason?”
“That wasn’t it,” she says. “Neither of those.”
“What was it, then? Because it was the meanest thing I feel like you could possibly do to me.” I feel the exploding heat of rage and shame in my face again, the melting sensation of my features. I am ugly. I am
unlovable. Penny
doesn’t love me enough to
leave Pfeff alone. Pfeff
doesn’t love me enough to
be true to me.
“Why would you do that, Penny?” I ask. “What have I ever done to deserve being treated like that?”
Penny sighs. “I mean, you irritate me, yes. It’s really irritating, how you act.”
“What do you mean?”
“Even now. Mooning over him, making yourself so vulnerable, letting everyone know how you feel at every possible moment of every day. It’s a lot to be around.”
I am stung.
“But that wasn’t it,” she goes on. “Not really.”
“What was it, then?”
“I don’t want to get into it.”
“You just ruined my—you ruined everything for me,” I say. “I think you owe me an explanation.”
“If it was that easy for me to ruin it,” says Penny, “it couldn’t have been very strong.”
She is right.
She is right.
But also, it was three weeks of happiness. I wore his T-shirt. He kissed the palm of my hand. “Sometimes things are fragile,” I snap. “That’s why they’re valuable.”
She shrugs. “I’m just saying, if he went off with me, he wasn’t really with you.”
I grab her arm and shake her. “Stop it,” I say. “He was with me. He was. And you knew it. Don’t tell me you didn’t know it.”
She sighs again, heavily. “I knew it.”