Faking with Benefits : A Friends to Lovers Romance(116)

My stomach sinks as I watch his retreating back. How is it possible that I’m now even worse at talking to men? After six weeks of fake-dating, I’ve somehow gone backwards.

I grimace. I don’t want to think about the guys. It’s their stupid advice that got me triple-rejected and bullied by every social media platform on the internet, for God’s sake. I’m on my own now.

And it’s time I faced what’s really happening.

Deciding to take the bull by the horns, I pull my phone back out of my pocket and go straight to the Twitter app. Bracing myself, I open up the notifications page — and stare as the messages pour through in real-time. They’re scrolling down my screen, too fast for me to read.

@HerTreatLayla LISTEN TO @ThreeSingleGuys nooooow pleeeease





If @HerTreatLayla doesn’t message in before the show ends i’m giving up on love





@HerTreatLayla The guys are live! Go listen!!





@HerTreatLayla this is the cutest thing ever omg. #givethemasecondchance #threesingleguyspityparty #GetLaylaListening





I frown. ‘Get Layla Listening?’ What the Hell is that? I click on the hashtag, and a ton more tweets come up. #GetLaylaListening has been used over a hundred times in the past hour. I scan through the tweets. They’re all messages to me, pretty much begging me to listen to the guys’ latest podcast episode.

For God’s sake.

I really don’t want to, but I follow orders and go to my podcast app, opening up the homepage for Three Single Guys. The top episode is entitled EPISODE 449: THE APOLOGY TOUR. The little red circle flashing next to the episode name shows the boys are currently recording live.

I stare at my phone, hesitating.

I don’t want to listen. Judging by my notifications, this ‘apology tour’ is aimed at me, and frankly, I don’t want to hear the guys’ side of the story. I don’t want to give them a chance to worm back into my life. I don’t want to forgive them.

But this isn’t just about them. It’s about me. They’re talking about me, discussing me in front of tens of thousands of strangers, affecting my business. I need to know what they’re saying. It doesn’t matter how scared I am. I’m not a tiny teenage girl anymore, eating her lunch in a toilet cubicle, overhearing the girls in my year gossip about me. I’m not that person anymore. I don’t know when I became a coward, but I am sick of it.

I can’t hide from this just because I’m scared. I won’t.

Swallowing back my sigh, I down the rest of my drink, shove in my earbuds, and stab the Play button.





SEVENTY-FOUR





LAYLA





Immediately, Zack’s gruff, scratchy voice fills my ears. Tears prick the back of my eyes, and I grip the smooth bar counter as memories wash over me. Him cuddling me on the couch. Him dragging me onto his lap to kiss him. Him spinning me around while we dance. God, I miss him so much.

I’m so distracted by the sudden wave of emotion, it takes a few seconds to tune into his words. “Grief isn’t a straight line, I guess,” he’s saying. “Some days I still see Emily in signs. I still sometimes dream of her, or I get a memory that’s so vivid that it just — makes the world disappear. And some days, I don’t think of her at all. And those are the worst.”

I sit up straighter. He’s talking about Emily? Now? The last time we brought up the idea of him discussing grief on the podcast, he clammed up and stormed out. So why is he doing it now?

“How would you say losing a partner differs from a break-up?” Josh asks. A shiver runs down my back as his deep, cool voice burns through me.

“When you break up with someone, you can make them the villain,” Zack says. “Bitch about them. Your friends will all tell you that you’re going to find someone better, or whatever. You can move on.” He takes a deep breath. “I have nowt but good memories of Emily. I never broke up with her. I never stopped loving her. So when I started falling for someone else, it felt like I was cheating.”

My eyes widen as his words echo through my head. When I started falling for someone else. When I started falling for someone else.

Oh my God.

“You must have known that you weren’t, though,” Josh points out. “Realistically.”

“Yeah.” Zack’s voice is creaky. “I guess I felt like I didn’t deserve anyone else. She was The One for me, and I lost her, and that was that. I…” He trails off, coughing. “Shit. Sorry. Need a minute.”

“It’s not exactly the same thing,” Luke cuts in smoothly, his warm voice soft in my earphones. “But I had a similar feeling after my divorce. I’d been in love, I’d had the marriage and the house, I had my chance at a proper family, and I blew it. I couldn’t make my first wife happy, so I didn’t deserve another one.” He pauses. “More than that, though, I completely, one-hundred percent believed that I would grow old with my ex. I thought I’d had the fairytale ending. And when you believe something that deeply, and it falls apart, how can you ever trust your feelings again? I’d already proved that I couldn’t hold a marriage. Why go through the years of heartache?”

He trails off, and there’s a soft dinging sound. “That’s another hour mark,” Josh says. “Thank you all for listening and messaging in. For those of you who are just now joining, this is the start of hour seven of our apology livestream. If you need a recap —”