Faking It (Losing It, #2)(32)

“Oh, I definitely think about it.” I was thinking about it right now, and it was not making leaving this apartment any easier. My eyes, as usual, were drawn to her lips, and I had the sudden urge to ruffle her hair so that it was closer to her normal style. I wanted her out of that ridiculous turtleneck, so that I could see her creamy skin and the art that enhanced it. God, was it only this morning that I’d seen her tree tattoo in its entirety? I could still picture the bare branches and twisting roots. I wondered what it meant to her. I wondered what it would be like to trace the lines with my fingertips. With my lips.

She cleared her throat, and I realized I’d been standing there staring at her, imagining her naked for who knows how long.

I coughed. “Well, I should probably go.”

Go beat my head against a wall. Go jump in front of a moving car. Go get a life. Any of the above was appropriate.

“Right,” she said. “Um, thank you . . . again for all of this.”

I shook my head and smiled. “It was nothing. I’ll see you around, Angry Girl.”

I opened the door and stepped out into the hallway. She said, “Good night Cade.”

I only let myself look back for a second, and then I said, “Good night.” I walked down the flight of stairs and out into the street. Chinatown was fairly busy, since the restaurants were all still open on Thanksgiving. I took one last look at the door to Max’s building, and then promised to forget it.

I refused to let myself want what I couldn’t have. I wouldn’t go through that all again. I said, “Good-bye, Max,” and set off for the nearest subway stop.



I was too lazy on Friday to get out of bed. I lay there until far too late in the afternoon to not be pathetic. Eager to accomplish at least something during my day, I dialed my grandmother’s phone number.

I’d lied to Bliss about her being ill because I knew Bliss wouldn’t question it. Grams had gotten sick around the beginning of our senior year—pneumonia—and it had scared the shit out of me. She was all I had, and I’d thought I was going to lose her. I was twenty-one, and my entire life had revolved around partying like most kids in college. But that’s not how I wanted our final months in college together to be. That was around the time when I made myself start getting serious about the future. That was around the time I started having feelings for Bliss, too.

It took her to the fourth or fifth ring to answer, probably because it took her that long to get to the phone. She was old . . . and as she liked to say “slow as molasses.”

She fingernails scrapeooowlmy answered, “You got me.”

I’d never heard anyone else answer the phone like her.

“Hi, Grams.”

“Oh, Cade! It’s so good to hear from you. We all missed you terribly yesterday.”

I closed my eyes, surprisingly affected by the sound of her voice. It must have been the discussion of my parents yesterday and all that time with the Millers. Family was fresh on my mind.

“I missed you, too, Grams.”

“How was Thanksgiving with Bliss, dearie?”

I hadn’t told Grams about any of the stuff that had happened with Bliss. I’d told her I was having Thanksgiving there because I couldn’t afford to come home, and I didn’t want her insisting on paying for the trip. Her retirement check barely covered all her bills, and she’d done enough for me. I hated lying to her, but it was a necessary evil.

“Oh, you know Bliss and me, things are always interesting.”

I heard her raspy laugh on the other end. “Oh, I bet.”

Grams had met Bliss during the second show of our senior year. We went out to dinner after the play, and on the way out of the restaurant, Bliss had walked into a glass door. Grams told me afterward that she knew I loved Bliss because I didn’t laugh at what she called “the funniest damn thing I’ve ever seen.”

God, I missed her. And Bliss. I missed a lot of things.

“So everyone made it yesterday?”

“Oh, yes, yes. The little ones asked after you.”

Every other holiday, some aunts and uncles and cousins joined us. It didn’t make for a very big family gathering, but I suppose I had more than a lot of people do.

“I wish I could have been there. I can’t wait for Christmas.”

I wasn’t sure yet exactly how I was going to afford to go home for Christmas, but I would. If I had to take out more loans on top of my school ones, I would. It wasn’t like I wouldn’t be paying those back for a century anyway.

Someone knocked at the door, and I said, “Hey, Grams, someone is at the door. Can I call you back later? I want to hear all about how yesterday went with the family.”

“Of course, honey. Tell Bliss I said hi.”

I swallowed and said, “Uh-huh. Love you. Bye.”

A second round of knocks came as she said good-bye and hung up the phone.

Through the door, a voice called, “Hermano! You in there?”

“Just a sec, Milo!”

I rolled off my bed and pulled a T-shirt over my head. I padded barefoot toward the door of my studio apartment, and undid the dead bolt.

I yawned and pulled the door wide.

I was in pajama pants, and Milo looked like he’d raided Urban Outfitters. He said, “Whoa. Either you had a really late night or are currently having a really early one.”