F*ck Marriage(49)

I stumble forward, eager to get away from him, and my heel catches on Jules’ rug. He catches me, bending his knees to loop an arm around my waist.

“How much have you had to drink?”

“You know. You were the one making them.” I try to walk past him, but he blocks me.

“You reek of liquor. This isn’t from what I made you.”

“Well, last time I checked I was an adult and I don't have to answer to you about what I’ve been drinking.”

In my mind, he’s going to try to stop me from walking to my room. I make a dash for it, but the apartment is dark. My knees hit something and I’m thrown off-balance. I feel myself falling, my hands groping uselessly at air. In an attempt to help, Satcher reaches around to grab me and misses, his elbow connecting with my eye.

“Goddammit, Billie,” I hear him mutter.

I’m on the floor, one leg twisted beneath me. I straighten my leg and roll onto my back, staring up at the dark ceiling.

“Shit. I’m sorry…” He sits down next to me on the floor where I’m cupping my wounded eye.

“I’m a loser,” I say. “A drunk loser.”

“No.” Satcher pulls my hand away from my eye and examines it with the light from his phone. “You’re going to have a shiner.”

I sniff. We stay like that for a few minutes and then Satcher gets to his feet, holding out his hands so he can pull me up.

“I’m sad,” I say tearfully.

Satcher kisses my forehead. “I know. Come on, let’s get you to bed.”

I allow him to lead me to my room, the warmth of his hand traveling up my arm and into the cold of my heart. I pull away from him, but he doesn’t leave … except to go grab a bag of frozen peas to hold over my eye. He sits me on the edge of my bed and kneels in front of me to pull off my shoes. Placing them next to each other on the floor, he glances up at me.

“Who were you drinking with?”

I lick my bottom lip trying to think up a good lie. We both know he has no right to ask me that, but I can’t look away from his eyes. I shrug. “Woods.”

“Ugh, Billie…” He leans back on his haunches, shaking his head.

The only light in my bedroom comes from the streetlight outside. I wonder why he hasn’t turned the light on as I study his face in the near dark.

“Shut up,” I say. “Don’t lecture me.”

I fall backward into the comforter and hear him laugh softly. My packet of frozen peas has fallen to the floor. I turn my head sideways and stare at it, my eye throbbing. I’ve hardly eaten anything today, the dinner Jules made mostly pushed around my plate. No wonder the liquor hit me this hard.

I expect him to leave after he helps with the shoe situation, but he very gently peels off my jeans and then lifts my shirt over my head. I’m lying on my back in my underwear staring up at him.

“What happened? You were in a better place. You’d moved on from the shit with Woods.”

“And by shit, you mean my eight-year relationship with the love of my life?”

“Oh, come off it, Billie. The love of your life doesn’t leave you for another woman.”

We’re both silent, me weighing his words. I’d be lying if I said they didn’t hurt. It’s fine for me to know that Woods hadn’t really loved me, but everyone else knowing it makes me want to cry.

“He made a mistake.”

“You’re damn right he did. And he’s the type of guy who makes those mistakes. Pearl will be no exception.”

I think of our kiss, Woods’ lips so soft against mine. I hardly believe he’d go home and confess to Pearl about it.

“I was in a better place because of you,” I blurt.

My hand wants to reach up and cover my own mouth. I flex my fingers. No. I’ll own this. This is what I feel and I have nothing to be ashamed of. Except maybe of the fact that I’m still lying in my underwear while we argue. I reach for a blanket and sit up, wrapping it around my shoulders. I don’t feel quite as drunk anymore.

“I was falling for you, Satcher. But that proved to be a stupid thing to do, didn’t it? I suppose I should have consulted with the graveyard of hearts you’ve accumulated over the years.” I start to turn away, but his voice comes back at me, angry.

“That’s not fair. You pushed me away. You’re still in love with your ex-fucking-husband.”

He’s right, of course, but it’s not like he saw us as serious. I was just his in-between girl; the basic bitch he fucked in-between his model girlfriends.

“Right. And you really fought back on that one!”

“Holy shit, Billie…” He slides his hand through his hair. “It’s like you’re setting me up to fail.”

He stands, turning to leave.

“Woods told me why you fought,” I blurt this when his hand is on the doorknob. “Is it true? You hit him when he cheated on me?”

“I hit him because he cheated on you,” he says without turning around.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Why would I?”

“I don’t know ... because you stood up for my honor!”

“You left. None of us saw or heard from you for two years. And don’t forget what sent you to that place, Billie, where you left everything you loved and crawled into a hole for two years of your life.”