F*ck Marriage(43)

“I feel so bad,” she says. “I hope he can forgive me. I came back for him, right? That means something.”

I nod. Jules has never really been into the dating scene, always more career-focused than the rest of us. The fact that she actually came back—choosing a man over her career—is big. Huge.

“You’re in love!” I say in surprise. For the first time since I’ve known her she looks vulnerable.

“Yeah. It’s all new for me. Scary…”

“Ugh, Julia. Don’t worry about it. He’s going to be so excited you’re home.”

“Don’t call me Julia.” She laughs. “It’s weird.”

She is sexy, aloof, successful, and kind. Any man would jump through hoops to have her.

“What if he’s already dating someone else? Or if he can’t forgive me for leaving?” Her face is genuinely worried.

I reach across the couch and touch her hand.

“He won’t care why you left, just that you’re back.” I mean to be comforting, but she bursts into tears.

“I’m sorry,” she says, when I’ve gotten up to get her a tissue. “I’m just so emotional. And just so you know, you’re welcome to stay here. I was thinking if everything goes right, I’ll move in with him.”

I smile. “Thank you.”

Her face suddenly lights up. “Oh my God, you look great.”

I look down at my much thinner figure feeling embarrassed. It’s one thing to be thinner, it is another for people to be constantly pointing it out.

“Yeah, your wardrobe makes me feel like a different person. It was the confidence boost I needed coming back to the city.”

“Well, don’t stop now. I’ve always wanted a sister.” She throws her arms around my neck and I hug her tight. It will be nice to have her back. Currently, she is my one and only friend. I’m about to ask her if she’s hungry when the buzzer sounds.

“You expecting someone?” she asks, looking at me.

Shoot. In all the excitement, I forgot that Satcher is coming by to pick me up for lunch. Jules is already at the intercom. She buzzes him up without knowing who it is. I look down at my workout clothes wondering if I look as bad as I feel. I’d meant to take a shower, wash my hair…

The door opens and Satcher walks in, his head down as he slips off his shoes. When he looks up, Jules and I are standing side by side.

We speak at once. The same time I say, “Hi,” Jules says, “How did you know I was back?” And then she rushes into his arms, jumping at the last moment, and wrapping her legs around his waist.

The look on Satcher’s face is one of shock as he stares at me over Jules’ shoulder. I can only imagine what my face must look like.

My mouth suddenly goes dry as the full realization hits me, and it feels like I took a sledgehammer to the stomach. Jules untangles herself from Satcher, landing on her feet but not stepping away from his side. She puts an arm possessively around his waist and turns to beam at me.

“This is him, Billie. I’ve been seeing Satcher.”





Chapter Twenty-Two





I reach for words, but they’re slippery, swimming below my ability to articulate them. Satcher is at a loss too; he reaches up to run a hand along the stubble on his chin. Jules is speaking to him, babbling happily, but he’s looking at me and I can’t read what’s in his eyes.

I feel like I’m underwater, everything moving slowly. Even the pains in my heart feel like they’re being dragged along the bottom of the ocean floor. It’s all making sense, of course. He always seemed so comfortable in Jules’ apartment. It had crossed my mind that he always knew where things were, but I’d attributed it to him making lucky guesses. How stupid I’ve been. Why hadn’t he told me he’d been seeing her?

“I’m so hungry,” I hear her say to him. “Want to get lunch so we can talk?” Her eyes are lit up; they’re the eyes of a woman filled with hope for the future.

I don’t wait to hear what he says.

“Well, I’ll just leave you two to it,” I say. “I need a shower.” I dart from the room before either of them can respond.

I let the hot water pound down on my back until it turns cold, only then do I step out of the shower. Wrapping a towel around myself, I press my ear to the door to hear if they’re still in the apartment. All is quiet. I get dressed in a hurry, grabbing my things from the various places they’ve been left. I don’t want to be here when they get back. I won’t be able to keep my expression neutral. Jules will see it all over my face. I think about texting Satcher, but I don’t know what to say. He looked just as blindsided as I was, expecting to come to lunch with me and running into his former girlfriend instead. As far as I knew, Jules and Satcher had only hung out a few times in our group get-togethers. Both workaholics, it was difficult to get them both in the same room at the same time. Years ago I remember thinking they’d make a great couple, but back then Satcher was fucking his way through the Upper East Side while Jules was married to her job. I wonder how they reconnected. If it had something to do with Woods? But, no, Jules hated Woods; after he cheated on me she said she never wanted to see him again.



I take a long walk in Central Park and when it’s safely been a few hours, I head back to the apartment. Jules is home when I get back. I breathe a sigh of relief when I see she’s alone. She’s sitting on one of the barstools in pajamas, her hair up in a messy bun. Her laptop sits open in front of her, but the screen has long gone into sleep mode.