Exciting Times(56)

‘What about you, Ava?’ said Julian.

‘He’s asking what you think of Martin Schulz,’ Edith said. ‘The leader of the German Social Democrats? Julian likes him. I don’t.’

‘Then I don’t, either,’ I said, and Julian congratulated Edith on having such a loyal stooge.

It had been sunny when we entered the restaurant, but when we left the hail shot down as though from a volley gun. We had one cheap umbrella, which looked wholly unequal to the task before it. They said I should hold it. Being the modal height, I’d keep it at the fairest altitude for the three of us.





43

Edith and I went to a bookstore café on Park Road in late October, the week after the beach trip. It had a red door and wicker ceiling lampshades. I brought over coffee and muffins, and Edith read aloud from an article in the Scientific American.

‘A recent study suggests that our ability to construct sentences may arise from procedural memory,’ she quoted. ‘The same simple memory system that lets our dogs learn to sit on command.’

Procedural memory stored skills like swimming and riding a bicycle, while declarative memory was for facts and memories. You formed phrases by mirroring patterns from sentences you’d heard in the past. That was why Edith said, ‘Do you have it?’ where I might say, ‘Have you it on you?’ We’d grown up hearing different versions of English. Consciously or otherwise, we reproduced them.

‘But I don’t say, “Have you it on you?” ’ I said. ‘I say what you say. And you didn’t grow up hearing British English. You said your accent was American until you went to boarding school.’

‘It’s an example, Ava.’

I was picking holes to keep Edith talking, but really I found the whole thing comforting. I was less responsible for what I said if I’d soaked it up from other people. If someone said something to hurt me, it wasn’t because they meant to, but because they’d surrounded themselves with unkind people in the past. And if I wanted to be someone who dashed off barbed retorts and didn’t betray investment in those around them, I just had to listen to the people I wanted to imitate. My brain would rattle off their sentences.

‘But it’s depressing,’ I said – again, mostly to hear Edith’s response. ‘Our words don’t mean anything.’

‘I don’t think the selection of the content is procedural, just how we use grammar to express it.’

Then she went to buy a book. She put it in the middle section of her bag when she got back. Her manner made it clear that she expected me to raise what we’d been avoiding.

‘I’m worried about him,’ I said. ‘We drink wine and he tells me things. I don’t think he has anyone else to talk to.’

‘What sort of things does he tell you?’

‘He believes in God.’

‘Is it quite necessary for you to live with him so you can have theological debates?’

‘We don’t debate it,’ I said. Her face was impassive, so I kept mine that way, too. ‘I don’t really care.’

‘I don’t feel that’s quite as compelling a counterpoint as you think it is.’ Calmly.

‘Edith, you’re being such a lawyer.’ I’d intended this to sound playful. It did not.

‘Ava, you’re being indecisive.’

She was still calm, and I hated her for being able to keep it up longer than I could. Probably Edith did not feel things as strongly as I did. She was at an unfair advantage. Or she experienced the same intensity of emotion as I did, but her feelings were normal and appropriate, whereas mine were sick and misdirected.

‘I’m not being indecisive,’ I said. ‘I love you.’ Which I did, or I wouldn’t hate her. ‘But I’m not going to turn my back on everyone else. This is so like you. I’m here in this country where I have literally no one but you – I haven’t seen my family in over a year – but that’s not enough for you.’

‘First of all,’ Edith said, ‘it’s disingenuous to take “Please don’t live with some guy you used to fuck” as “Please cut off everyone in your life”.’

Her voice faltered for the first time. I was proud of myself for that.

‘That’s the practical outcome of what you’re asking,’ I said.

‘Let me finish. That’s the first thing.’ She raised one finger, as though guiding us through an agenda. The twinning of this corporate gesture with her raised voice terrified me. ‘The second thing is, you’re so full of shit about not having anyone.’ A second finger, to show we were on bullet point number two. ‘Your co-workers invite you out all the time and you never go. Weren’t your old flatmates texting asking to catch up? And Victoria said you never reply to her messages.’

‘Victoria’s not the best person to bring into this.’

‘I – whatever, I don’t want to know.’

‘Hey, Edith,’ I said, ‘just by the way, whatever happened to your many opinions on the nexus between monogamy and patriarchy?’

Edith took a napkin and brushed crumbs into it. ‘I think my opinions on lying are more relevant here,’ she said.

‘What do you mean?’

‘If you really think there’s nothing intrinsically wrong with fucking multiple people – and you’re right, there isn’t – then why did you lie to me?’