Evvie Drake Starts Over(87)

They kissed, and when he let her go, he saw that her eyes were a little watery, that there were tears gathering on her lower lids. At first, he held her shoulders, asking what it was, asking if she wasn’t sure. But she chuckled and said it was not that with a dry certainty that made it clear it was not, at all, that.

   He tugged off his shirt, and she pulled the white sweater over her head. She had skipped her rituals. She knew she was a little bit sweaty and flawed, but he seemed unconcerned. He was sweaty and flawed, after all, and it didn’t stop her from feeling like her joints were dissolving when he kissed her, like every part of her that he touched was pulling her toward him.

He muttered—he growled—that he had missed her, and when she said she had missed him, too, it felt like she said it in a voice that no one else would have been able to hear from even six inches away, like she’d whispered it into herself and he’d felt it come out through her fingers on his back. She kept breathing; she kept listening to him breathing.



* * *



—

Later, so close to each other that they were sharing a pillow, Evvie and Dean lay face-to-face in her bed. “What do we do now?” she said. “Not right now. You know what I mean.”

“Evvie, I’m doing pretty well in New York.”

Her stomach dropped.

“I like my place. I like coaching. I like the clinics, and I like living around the guys that I’ve known my whole life. I love the city, I love being able to do a ton of things that aren’t playing, and even though I’ve missed you—and I missed you a lot—I’ve been pretty happy.”

All she said was “Ah,” and she was so glad to be in the mostly dark room, where the way she was sure she looked could remain a secret.

“And I think you’re doing well, too. This house is fucking great. You’re on the water. You’re where you love to be. And that’s a great dog.”

She smiled a little. This, she could not deny.

“It seems like you made up with Andy.”

“Well,” she said, “it’s not like it was. We don’t see each other every week. We don’t talk every day. He has the kids, he’s with Monica, he’s busy with everything. But I’m getting used to it. My therapist calls it grieving the first call.”

   “What does that mean?”

“She says when something happens, good or bad, you can only call one person first. And if you’ve been somebody’s first call, it’s hard not to be their first call anymore. She says it’s one of the reasons why parents sometimes feel sad when their kids are getting married. It’s not just the empty nest. They’re not the first call anymore. I’m not Andy’s first call anymore. It doesn’t mean I want to be his girlfriend, and it doesn’t mean I don’t like her. But it was sad. It’s different. The doctor says it’s important to be sad.”

He reached over to kiss her forehead. “I’m sorry.”

Under the covers, she shrugged. “It’s okay.”

“So you’re good. And I’m good. And I feel like I could stay in New York and you could stay up here, and we’d be okay.” He pushed a bit of her hair behind her ear. “But I don’t think that’s what we should do.”

Evvie couldn’t keep from smiling. “No?”

“I don’t know a lot about…a lot. Where to live, what kind of job I want, what kind of family situation. But I am really in love with you. And, you know, unless I’m still throwing into the stands, I think that’s how you feel, too. So I think we should be in the same place and then work on all the other stuff. Because when we’re in the same place, I’m happier, and I think you’re happier, too.”

In the dark, Evvie closed her eyes and smiled.

“You should say something,” Dean prodded, nudging at her with his knee. “I’m kind of flapping in the wind here.”

“Sorry. It just…kind of freaks me out,” she whispered.

He frowned. “Why?”

“The last time I tried to go off and be happy, somebody died. I feel like if it’s too good, something terrible will happen.”

There was a pause. “That’s what you meant, that night when you were stinking drunk. I should never have tried to be happy.”

“Yes,” she whispered.

   He grabbed her hand under the covers and pulled it up so their clasped hands were under their chins. “I mean, Ev, if you wait long enough, something terrible is always going to happen. But I don’t think that’s because you try to be happy, you know? I think it just is. You…you wake up one day and you need a whole new plan. Not to brag, but that’s my area of expertise.” He squeezed her hand tighter.

“There are just a lot of things that get taken away,” she said.

“I know. I know. But that happens even if you try to throw everything back first. You just have to hope in the end you’ll have enough left.”

She smiled. “I love you,” she said.

He seemed to stop breathing for a second. And then he let go of her hand and rested his palm on her jaw. “Good.”

She wriggled closer to him. “You want to live here for a while?”

He wasn’t even surprised. “Yeah.”