Everything You Are(31)

Allie notes that he doesn’t say he loves her, not quite. But still the words warm her, just a little, enough to ease her shaking.

Ethan rolls over and kneels, straddling her hips. She doesn’t want to do it again. Not now. Not here.

“Die with me,” he says.

Allie stares up at him, mesmerized by his dark eyes. She’s not sure what he means. Probably the whole petite mort thing, because without any warning, he thrusts into her again. This time it really hurts, she isn’t ready, she should have told him to wear a condom and, oh God, she really, deeply, wants her mother.

This time, when he rolls off, she gets out of bed, gathers up her clothes, and scuttles into the bathroom. It hurts to pee and there’s some blood. Normal, she tells herself. Normal for the first time, but she’s worried about staining her underwear. How much blood is normal? If there’s more, what if it soaks through her jeans?

The bathroom is definitely not clean. Bits of fuzz and hair are visible in the corners. Allie closes her eyes against tears, but they leak out, anyway, and she covers her mouth with her hands to silence her sobs. She stays there until Ethan calls after her.

“Allie?”

“Out in a minute.” She washes between her legs with a washcloth that seems to be clean enough. Splashes cold water over her face. Puts on her clothes.

When she walks out of the bathroom, Ethan is dressed.

He meets her in the middle of the room, puts his arms around her, and pulls her close, just holding her, smoothing her hair.

“We—this—was meant to be. Think about what I asked, Allie. We could die together. There’s nobody I’d rather take with me on that adventure.”

“What exactly are you thinking?”

“Romeo and Juliet.”

Allie hears Steph’s voice in her head. “That is, like, the stupidest play ever written. I don’t believe Shakespeare had anything to do with it. Killing yourself over a boy. Seriously?”

“I don’t . . . ,” Allie starts, but doesn’t finish. Because the idea of death is growing on her. Not because of Ethan, but because she can’t get her mind around the world she is living in now. The one where she might as well be a murderer. The one without music in it. The one where she doesn’t have a kick-ass GPA and isn’t going to college and can’t connect with her best friend. The one where the father she once adored is a slacker who didn’t love her enough to be there when she needed him.

“Pills,” Ethan is saying. “I don’t see why it needs to be painful or messy. I’m thinking we take the pills, and then we make love. Or we make love, and then take the pills. And then we drift into the next great adventure together.”

“What if it’s not an awesome adventure?” Allie asks. “What if there’s really a hell and we go there?”

What if my mother and my brother are waiting to get revenge on me? She doesn’t say this, but the very idea starts her shaking again. What if her mother were to start haunting her, the way Ethan says his father does? What words would show up then on the Ouija board? Allie doesn’t want to know.

“Can’t be much worse than what we’re leaving here, I figure. You don’t have to decide now, this minute.” He kisses her, his lips so much gentler now. “Shall I take you back?”

Allie shakes her head. She feels like where she has been and what she has been doing is written all over her, and she doesn’t want her father to see.

“Let’s do something fun.”

“This was fun,” he teases.

“Some other fun thing. There’s a party tonight at Paige’s house. Take me there.”

Ethan tilts her chin up so she has to look him in the eyes. “You know her parents will be out? What kind of party it’s going to be?”

“That’s why I want to go.”

“You don’t strike me like a party girl.”

“I’ve never been to a party. Never even been invited. That’s why I want to go. What if I love parties so much I don’t want to die? It’s research.”

He laughs. “Everybody should get thoroughly blitzed at least once in a lifetime. All right. But that’s hours away. What now?”

Allie shrugs. “The mall? I don’t care.”

She feels like she’s been given a reprieve. She can’t come to the conclusion until all of the facts are in.

But when she’s settled on the motorcycle, her arms around Ethan’s waist, he turns to look at her before starting the engine.

“Don’t wait too long, okay? I’m going, one day soon. With or without you.”

Even once they are moving, weaving in and out of traffic at a pace that tempts death to take them now, the words ring in her ears.

With or without you.

Without Ethan, what does she have left?





Chapter Thirteen

BRADEN

Braden walks a mile to the QFC, reciting the list in his head, over and over like a mantra to block out the call of the one thing capable of drowning the clamoring memories. The store isn’t crowded, and he moves easily down the aisles, marking items off his mental list. Gets through the checkout line without incident.

All the while, he’s exquisitely aware of the liquor section in the same way he always knows the location of the cello at the house. He refuses to look, to even glance in that direction, but he knows the booze is up front. It has its own section, its own cash register. Much less risky than the Safeway, where he’d be likely to run into a bottle of whiskey on his way to the peanut butter.