Everything After(78)

A manager was interested in her!

Emily looked down. What if she was pregnant? She took a deep breath.

She’d figured out so much in the last few months. She knew, with every inch of her soul, that she would figure this out, too. They would figure this out—she and Ezra. Because every decision she made wasn’t just about her now. It wasn’t even just about them. It was about their future, their family. She would remember that. They would choose well. Together.





xxxiii



You’re going to have a little sister. She’s already a troublemaker, poking her feet into my spine, pushing down against my bladder. But I try not to complain, because she’s here. She’s growing. She’s big enough that if she was born tomorrow, she’d be okay. I can’t tell you how relieved I felt when we hit that milestone. She can survive outside my body in a way that you never could, that the baby after you never could.

We’re not sure what to name her. I never named you, and I’m sorry for it. I’m sorry that whenever I think about what you would be like, I don’t have a name to attach to the image. You would be nearly thirteen. Almost in high school. Probably taller than me, or just about. With friends and ideas and passions of your own. Maybe you’d play piano, or guitar, or drums. Or maybe you’d love math like your aunt Ari. Or maybe you wouldn’t have made it this far, like Malcolm. I try to keep all the what ifs in play, not just the good ones.

Your father and I have been in touch, between our shows. We’ve talked a lot about you, about what would’ve happened if you’d been born, and we both agreed it would’ve been hard. That neither one of us might have made it to the place we’re at now, that we might have given you to a family who would have been able to take better care of you than we could. It’s hard to live in the land of what if. And the longer you live, the more what ifs you collect.

I won’t lie—touring while pregnant has been rough, but I didn’t want to sacrifice one dream for another, so I did it. And sharing my music, feeling that connection with the audience, made every difficulty worth it. I played my last show in Philly yesterday. And now I’m home for a while, at least until your sister is born. And who knows how long after that. Your aunt Ari wants to know the plan, but right now there isn’t one. Right now the plan is to wait and see.



* * *



—

Do souls grow older when they’re not on this plane? Do souls even have an age? I imagine my mother always at the age she was when she died, but I always imagine you getting older. Perhaps it’s neither one of those things. Perhaps a soul is a soul. Perhaps it exists in the body in a fully formed state, relearning the world around it until it’s once again set free. If that’s true, I hope you’ve met your grandmother. I hope you’ve met your little brother or sister, the one I lost last year. Eden. Or Edward.

If you were here, with us, on Earth, I’d ask your opinion on what to name your new sister.



* * *



—

Your father wrote another hit single. It’s about you, actually. He sent me the song after he recorded it. It’s called “Lost Angel,” and from the lyrics it’s hard to know exactly what he was writing about. But once he told me, it was easy to see.

I’m still the theme of his life, he said.

He’s still not the theme of mine.

But I’m hoping that my theme is changing. That instead of looking back and seeing only loss, what I’ll see instead is love.

I loved him, I love the baby I’m carrying and the ones I lost. I love Ezra. I love my parents, my friends, my sister, music.

My life has always been filled with love. I just didn’t know where to look for it.

It’s taken me thirty-four years to figure it out.

I’m glad I did.

In your father’s song for you, he sings about a lost angel watching over those he loves. If he’s right, if that’s true, please watch over your sister. Please keep her safe.

I’m sorry I wasn’t able to do that for you.

But I’ll remember you forever.

I’ll keep your memory safe.

In my heart, you’ll never be lost.





acknowledgments



I started writing this book a few months before my husband, Andrew, and I got engaged, and continued working on it through most of our first year of marriage. Loving him and being with him made me think so much about the transformation that happens when two people decide to unite their lives. I feel so lucky to have found Andrew and to have grown with him over the last years, creating a life in which two became one but also remain two. I’m so grateful for his support, his excitement about my books, and—most of all—his love.

During the time I wrote this, I had so many readers who graciously and generously offered their thoughts and feedback and made this book so much better than it was originally. My deepest gratitude goes to my writing group—Marianna Baer, Anna Godbersen, Anne Heltzel, Marie Rutkoski, and Eliot Schrefer—and to Talia Benamy, Jessica Carp, Gillian Engberg, Sarah Fogelman, Suzanne Foger, Kim Grant, and Cheryl Klein, all dear friends (one’s also a dear sister) who shared their ideas and experiences and asked astute questions that made me think more deeply about my characters. Thank you, too, to the various experts who offered their thoughts and answered my hours of questions about therapy, music, and medicine: Carrie Bashoff, Greta Hanson, Lock McKelvey, Elizabeth Salick, and Ira Sweetwine. I so appreciate the help—and loved learning more about all of these fields.