Evershore(Skyward #3.1)(43)

“It doesn’t feel that way.” It felt like I was failing them all.

FM shook her head. “Do you think we all follow you because of the chain of command? The things we have done lately are scudding insane. There is not an officer in all of the DDF who would condemn us for refusing to go along with it.”

That was probably true. Stars, I’d justified a lot of things I shouldn’t have, by the book at least.

“We’re all here,” FM continued, “because we believe in what we’re doing. And we all trust you with our lives because we know that at the end of the day, Jorgen Weight is going to do the right thing. Sometimes you lose sight of that. Sometimes you get so bogged down in the rules that you lose track of what’s right for a minute. But when it comes down to the decisions you make with our lives, you do the right thing every time.”

I wasn’t so sure. That was why I tried to follow the rules, because if I was going to make a mistake, I wanted it to be one that couldn’t have been avoided. If I erred in following protocol, at least I always had the protocol to blame.

“You think I should call up the flights,” I said.

“Honestly?” FM said. “I don’t know. Maybe we should pull back; maybe the Superiority would leave the kitsen alone. Or more likely they’d do some damage and there would be lives lost, but maybe it would be fewer lives than if we goad them into a full-scale attack that we’re not sure we can defend against. It’s a risky move, Jorgen, and I don’t know what the right answer is.”

I gritted my teeth, dragging my hands over my hair. If I could see the future, know which would be the right choice for the most people—for our people—I’d do it.

Why was it so scudding hard to know what that was?

“But,” FM said, “one of our goals on Evershore is to make an alliance. And the calls you made on ReDawn are the reason we have an alliance with the UrDail. Because of you.”

I shrugged. “I was ordered to make that alliance.”

“Right. And everyone always succeeds at everything they’re ordered to do, right? Having an order makes it easy! Basically done for you. So you barely get credit for it, because you were simply following orders. Is that it?”

“Um,” I said. That sounded about right, but from her tone I could tell that it shouldn’t.

“Meanwhile, if you don’t succeed, that is entirely your fault. No one else could possibly be to blame, because Jorgen Weight is all powerful and if anything goes wrong it’s always on him.”

“I think that’s a little hyperbolic.”

“You think?” FM said. “Tell me that’s not how you feel. Go ahead.”

“Um,” I said again.

“You can’t have it both ways. You can’t be powerless and totally at fault. Which is it?”

I thought about that. “It’s neither.”

“Right,” FM said. “Some things are under your control, and others aren’t. You do the best you can with what you have to work with. And that is what sets you apart—what you do with it.”

I sighed. “Fine. You’ve made your point.”

“So, what are we doing? What are your priorities here?”

“Cobb’s life.” That was a clear priority, clean and by the book. “And we can’t pull him out.” But stars, even if it would save kitsen lives, we couldn’t leave him there.

“Okay,” FM said.

“Also the lives of our flightmates,” I added.

“And all the kitsen lives in danger right now? What about them?”

“They aren’t our people. But Cobb ordered us to—”

“Forget for a minute about what Cobb ordered you to do,” FM said. “What do you think is the right thing to do?”

I didn’t know which call would turn out to be the best one, but for the moment I tried to set that aside. Maybe the right call was the one that hoped for the most good for the most people, even if the outcome wasn’t totally assured.

Things seemed clearer when I looked at them that way. “Save lives,” I said. “Defend the kitsen, defend Cobb, secure the alliance. Work together against the people who are trying to kill us all.” It sounded so simple when I said it like that. It had a ring of truth to it.

“That sounds right to me too,” FM said.

I nodded. “What Stoff is doing is a trap, but it’s a political one. We can save lives first and politic later.” I would have preferred to politic never, but if there was an order to this, that was it.

FM watched me, waiting. She was doing what she’d said—talking me through it, but then waiting for me to make the decision.

I could recall my flight and leave the kitsen to deal with the Superiority. If Stoff could hide behind the chain of command so could I, and no one in the DDF could blame me for it. I could pin the whole thing right back on Stoff, and he wouldn’t have a renegade on whom to shuffle off the responsibility.

But I already knew I could never live with myself if I did that.

“Enough standing around,” I said. “Let’s call up the flights and get that platform.”

FM grinned at me. “Yes, sir,” she said.

And together we took off running down the corridor.