Dumped, Actually(5)

Just think about the proposal, just think about the proposal, I keep chanting to myself in some sort of safety mantra as we reach that godawful-looking loop.

Now I’m up close to the damn thing, I can see that the loop twists around itself as it reaches its zenith.

Which the car hits almost as soon as I’ve realised what’s going to happen. I am jerked to the left as the rollercoaster starts to enter the twisty section of track.

It’s at this point I truly begin to understand what 180 degrees of hanging parabolic movement is.

Absolutely horrendous, as it turns out.

The harness starts to swing around wildly, and I’m thrown in what feels like all directions at once. This forces a noise from my throat that I have never heard before, and will probably never hear again.

‘Mfmurglehoon!’ I cry, incomprehensibly.

There’s every chance that in my kinetic terror, I’ve inadvertently begun speaking in a strange and alien language. I can only assume that ‘Mfmurglehoon’ is alien speak for, ‘My kidneys are about to merge forcibly with my rectum. May I have a little cry?’

We’re mercifully through the twisting, turning, inverted loop in a few seconds. Sadly, we’re now heading back down again, and the speed is building once more to ridiculous levels.

I look down – and down – to see that we’re now descending towards the ground in a kamikaze run that can only end in our swift and violent deaths.

Luckily, the track takes a sharp turn as we’re a mere twenty feet from impact. Unluckily, this forces my stomach into my ankles.

‘Hurmooblegah!’ I cry, my impressive command of alien gibberish now extending to two complete phrases. This one means, ‘Ah, it appears my pre-frontal cortex has flown out of my nose. Could you pop it back in again, please?’

All coherent thought leaves me as we power back towards the large building that houses The Blitzer’s platform, and the waiting second round of riders.

I’m now no longer white like the Joker; I have gone the green of the Incredible Hulk, jumping effortlessly from one comic book brand to another in my sheer terror.

I feel Samantha’s hand grasp mine as we start to slow towards the cavernous building in front of us. This instantly makes me feel a little better.

As we move from harsh sunlight into cool darkness, I start to feel a bit more human still – especially as the rollercoaster is now slowing to a manageable level.

‘Are you okay?’ Samantha asks me.

‘Yeah!’ I lie. ‘That was quite something!’

The something being the worst something that’s ever happened to me.

‘It was fucking great!’ she cries with excitement. ‘Can we do it again later?’

I don’t want to nod. I really don’t. Nothing would give me greater pleasure than to never see The Blitzer again as long as I live. But this is Samantha’s birthday, so if I have to take one more ride on this hellish contraption, then so be it. Besides, I’ll be engaged to be married if we do ride it for the second time, so it won’t be all bad.

This thought immediately reminds me of what I’m really here for today, and I stiffen up a little.

‘Oh, it’s okay, Ollie! You’re fine! It’s over!’ Samantha says, feeling my hand tighten on hers.

‘Yeah, yeah! I know!’ I tell her, knowing full well that it’s just getting started.

The rollercoaster cars swing around gently at the far end of the building and return to the platform from which we began. I am immeasurably happy to feel the safety bar rise, releasing me from its death grip. As I lower myself to the floor, I feel my legs start to buckle, and have to take a second to steady myself.

I feel decidedly sick to my stomach as we alight the ride on the opposite platform, allowing the next bunch of excited theme-park goers to have their turn. I wonder if any of them will learn how to speak alien as well. Maybe we could get together afterwards and discuss matters of intergalactic importance.

Samantha jumps off the ride like she’s been given a new lease of life. I hobble off like someone’s just told me my lease is up at the end of the month.

I take a few deep breaths, partly because I’m glad to be alive, and partly to prepare myself for what’s coming next.

If Amy and the Thorn Manor staff have their timing right, then when we emerge from the ride’s exit, the jazz band will start playing the song, filling the plaza with its sweet melody. I will then walk Samantha to the front of the stage, take the ring from Horst the trumpeter – and do the deed. Then that fantasy I had in my head while waiting in the queue will come true, and I’ll have my romantic happy ending, before the credits roll.

That’s if I can get out there without either fainting or throwing up.

‘You sure you’re okay, Ollie?’ Samantha asks, putting her arm around my waist.

I wave a hand. ‘Yeah, I’m fine, honestly. Just a bit dizzy. I’ll be okay in a second. Let’s get outside so I can get a breath of fresh air.’

That might actually do me some good. It’s like a sauna in The Blitzer building, thanks to all the sweaty bodies and hot coaster equipment.

Much like a train station, the exit to the coaster is over a walkway that extends above the track, and back out through the plastic ice and snow. By the time we’re over the walkway, I feel much better, though my legs still don’t want to work properly.