Dumped, Actually(23)
And when it doesn’t, will Erica blame me? Will she think I didn’t do enough of a good job with ‘Dumped Actually’?
You see? Pressure.
I hate it, and I don’t cope well with it.
As I begin to go through the feature to polish it up for publication, I am starting to deeply regret the whole thing.
I am a man already consumed by regret these days – I don’t need any more heaped on my shoulders.
But I’ve made my own stupid bed now, haven’t I?
‘Dumped Actually’ is now officially a thing.
And to be fair, it’s a thing I’m quite proud of. It is a good story, after all.
But good enough to help turn the tide at Actual Life?
I don’t think so.
For that to happen, it would have to be read and shared by tens of thousands of people. I’d have to get hundreds of responses.
I just don’t see that happening.
Not at all.
No way.
Fat bloody chance . . .
INTERLUDE
From: Monica Blake ([email protected])
Hi Ollie!
Just finished reading ‘Dumped Actually’ and had to get in touch. Poor you! I feel so sorry for what you’ve been through! Can’t believe that Samantha would do that to you. You seem like such a nice guy ?.
You said you wanted to hear from people who have been dumped before, and I am one of them! My husband, Steve, left me a year and half ago, just after our baby boy, Alex, was born. He told me he wanted out during a nappy change, while his face was covered in a load of Alex’s fresh diarrhoea. I guess that was the final straw. The joys of fatherhood just weren’t for him, it seemed. I thought I’d married a man, but he turned out to be a scared little boy. He rejected me and our baby. Can you imagine how horrible that was?
It was the hardest thing I’ve ever been through, so I know exactly how you’re feeling .
What I did to get through the break-up was I went and got a full makeover! It sounds silly, but it really helped me get some of my self-esteem back, and feel better about myself again. Steve always used to put me down. Told me I was fat a lot, especially after Alex was born . But I went out and re-did my whole look, and it made me feel ten times better!
I know you’re a bloke, and it probably doesn’t sound like a good idea to you, but you should give it a go! The guy I went to was fabulous. I can give you his details, if you like!
Best wishes, Ollie. I really hope that you feel better soon, whatever you decide to do about it!
Lots of Love,
Monica
From: Edward ‘Wolf’ Moresby ([email protected])
Dear Mr Sweet,
I am writing to you after having completed your entertaining story on the Actual Life dot com website. I was prompted to read it by my sister, who enjoys those types of websites. She felt that I might have some salient advice for you, since I myself have known the pain of a lost relationship, and subsequently discovered an effective way of moving past it.
When my Heather felt that her marriage to me was no longer workable and left me to move to the south of France, I was understandably upset. For some time I did not know how to cope with her loss. I eventually turned to the solace of the Cairngorms in the Highlands of Scotland for some sort of release from the upset. I spent two weeks up there with Davis and Roundhouse – my two best friends from my rugby club, and it was quite wonderful. It’s good for the soul to spend time with like-minded people, doing like-minded pursuits, in like-minded clothing. Spending time in the embrace of Mother Nature is also extremely good for the soul. It offers the chance for contemplation and reflection. It really took my mind off Heather, especially with the support of my friends.
When I returned, I felt more able to carry on without her, and have never looked back since. I highly suggest you attempt something similar for your recovery.
Do let me know if you decide to follow my advice, and how you get on.
Yours,
Wolf Moresby
From: Callie Donnelly ([email protected]) Ollie,
Am in a bit of a rush, so don’t have much time to write this, but just wanted to email you to say that I loved reading ‘Dumped Actually’ this morning on my way into work on the train. Really hit home how bad break-ups can be.
My advice? I’ve always found that the best way of getting over somebody is to get under somebody else! Sounds crude, but it’s absolutely true.
Don’t just sit on a shelf and do nothing. Get back out there and find another woman as quick as you can. It’s what I’ve always done, and it’s always made me feel a lot better. Your self-esteem takes a big hit when somebody gets rid of you, and there’s no better way of building it back up again than finding someone else to climb into bed with!
Best of luck with it. I’ll keep reading your stuff, and I’ll get my friends to subscribe as well. You’re really good!
Callie xxx
CHAPTER FOUR
THE IMPOSSIBLE ART OF SAYING NO
A fully grown man is about to tear a strip of sticky waxed paper away from my arsehole, and I’m not sure how I feel about it.
Oh, no. Hang on. I know exactly how I feel about it: nauseous and terrified.
‘Now, Oliver, this might hurt a bit!’ Laughlin McPurty tells me cheerfully. ‘You may feel a wee sting.’
‘Eeeeuuurrrgggggghhhhh,’ is about all I can manage in response.