Dreams of 18(59)

I hit accept so fast that I almost smash the screen. “Hello?”

“Hey, Dad.”

“Hey, you okay?” I ask, hoarsely, thinking that maybe he’s calling because something is wrong and he needs me.

Because why the fuck would he call me after how we left things last time?

“Yeah, Dad, I’m fine. Everything is fine.”

I whoosh out a breath. “Okay, that’s good. Great.”

After a few moments of tense silence, he says, hesitantly, “Dad, I… I broke up with Fiona.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. You were right. I had to do the right thing. I was doing it all for the wrong reasons. I was doing it to hurt people.”

A rock lodges itself in my throat and I somehow push it down to speak. “That’s… That’s good. How do you feel, though?”

“I’m okay. It wouldn’t have lasted long anyway.” Then, “Dad, I also realized something else.”

“Yeah? What?”

“I talked to her.”

The knife in my chest starts twisting at a mere mention of her and a throb starts up just under my rib cage.

“You did,” I almost choke out with relief.

“Yeah, I did,” he replies. “I talked to Vi and she forgave me for Fiona so easily. So fucking easily that it made me realize how much of a douchebag I’ve been. I let my ego rule. I got so pissed that I hurt the two most important people in my life. And the truth is that I didn’t know how to reach out to you, Dad, after everything I said. After the way I behaved, I didn’t know what to say to you…”

That rock tries to crawl up but I force it down again, even though it’s infinity times harder to do it this time. “Hey, it’s over now. It’s done. I’m proud of you.”

I am.

He did the right thing and besides, I didn’t know what to say to him, either. So it’s water under the bridge.

I’m glad we’re talking now.

“She deserves better, Dad. Vi deserves better. She deserves someone who doesn’t hurt her like I did. She deserves someone who puts her first.”

Now the pain in my chest is so tremendous that it radiates out to my whole body. I remember her words from last night.

Are you saying I’m… visible?

Jesus Christ.

I wanted to break something then. Punch something. Maybe even her parents.

“She does,” I say, at last.

“She deserves someone like you, Dad.”

“What?”

“There’s no excuse for how I behaved. I’m so fucking ashamed. There’s no way I can ever make up for it, for all the things I did to you over the past year, the way I froze you out, the things I said just to hurt you because I was angry. But Dad, I want you to know this. I want you to know that she deserves someone like you in her life. Someone good and noble. Someone who won’t hurt her. I claimed to have feelings for her and look at what I did. I got so lost in my ego. I was like, how does she not like me when every other girl does. How the fuck does she not like me, you know? And I stepped on everything that made our relationship special. She deserves someone who –”

The pain becomes so unbearable, so intense that I clench my teeth and cut him off. “We’re not talking about this.”

“Why not? Dad, please. You gotta believe me.”

“Brian,” I warn.

“Please, just give me one good reason why we shouldn’t talk about this. I know you like her, Dad. I know that.”

“I don’t,” I clip.

“Stop lying, Dad. If you didn’t, you never would’ve called me and asked me to patch things up. I know how difficult I’ve made things for you. I know how hard it was for you to reach out to me after the way I acted. So I know. What I don’t know is why you’re resisting this. I know she’s there with you. She told me. Do this for me, Dad. You asked me to do something for you and I’m asking the same now.”

“Let it go, Brian.”

“I will,” Brian says urgently. “Just tell me why you dating her is such a bad idea. Just give me a reason.”

“Because she’s half my age,” I bite out. “Do you realize what that means? Because I’ve got a son her age. Because she’s still na?ve and innocent and full of life. She talks about dreams and wishes and…”

And she saved me.

She fucking saved me from drinking when she had no reason to.

After the way I grew up with my drunk father, I’ve hated drinking. I’ve always considered it a liability, something I wouldn’t do. Something I promised myself that I wouldn’t ever put my son through.

But then, it became necessary. It became imperative to drown out everything that happened past summer. The guilt, the fact that my son hated me.

She saved me, though.

She came in and she saved me.

She saves people. She makes the world a better place. She dreams.

I don’t even remember the last time that I had a dream. I don’t remember my wishes or things that I wanted while I was growing up.

All I know is that my mother left when I was five and my dad was an alcoholic. All I know is that I took care of him and when I couldn’t and I needed a distraction, I played.

I played not because I wanted to or I loved it but because it took me out of the house.