Dreams of 18(118)

“Have you thought about it?”

“No,” I say.

“Have you thought about harming yourself in any way?”

“No.”

“Are you ready to talk about what happened that night?” she asks.

I look up from where I’m playing with my short nails. They don’t let us keep long, sharp ones on the Inside.

“What’s that?” I ask, like I haven’t heard her loud and clear.

“About your attempt.”

“It wasn’t an attempt.”

“So what do you think it was?”

“An accident,” I tell her. “It was an accident.”

Josie, my therapist, gives me the look.

That look.

The look where they think I’m crazy and I’m lying, and they pity me. They think that if they poke me too much, I might explode.

I don’t like that look.

It makes me want to explode. It makes me want to snap my teeth, grow my nails to the point where my hands look like talons. It makes me want to scratch and bite and scream.

But I won’t.

That’s not me. I don’t explode. I’m a peacekeeper. I’m sweet and quiet. I keep my head down and don’t make any ripples.

I am calm. I’m cool. I’m a cucumber.

Happy thoughts.

Thoughts about… my bunny slippers that I brought from home, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban that I’m reading for the thirty-sixth time, and the pigeons that I feed in the gardens when they let us outside.

Slowly, I deflate.

“Okay, then.” She nods. “It was an accident. Are you ready to talk about it?”

It being The Roof Incident.

People have been asking me this a whole lot ever since The Incident happened. My doctors back at the state hospital, my therapist, my mom. Everyone.

I’ve already told them, and they still sent me here.

On the Inside.

“If I talk about it, will you let me go? Will you recommend that I be released?” I ask.

“You know I can’t do that.”

I look at my bunny slippers. “Didn’t think so.”

“We still have a lot of ground to cover, Willow, and your contract says another four weeks. So I’m sorry.”

“Are you, really?”

“Yes, of course.”

I make a non-committal sound because I don’t believe her.

“Why? You don’t believe me?” she asks, reading me accurately.

“Not really, no.”

“Why not?”

“Because frankly… you’re not my friend. You don’t care.”

She doesn’t care that I’ve been stuck here for two weeks now and that my every move is monitored. She doesn’t care that they feed me pills twice a day and then, ask me to open my mouth and actually, show them that I’ve swallowed them.

What am I? An animal?

She doesn’t care that I have to participate in group therapy and art therapy and recreational therapy and all kinds of fucking therapy all day when I clearly don’t need to.

So yeah, nope. I’m not talking. Thank you very much.

“I care. I do care, Willow,” she says.

I lick my lips and sit up straight. “Do you have a boyfriend?”

She looks taken aback.

Well, maybe I shouldn’t have been so abrupt. But it’s a valid question.

My therapist is pretty. She’s got straight blonde hair that she keeps tied up in a no-nonsense ponytail. Her light-colored eyes are hidden behind big, black glasses and her lips are usually very lightly painted pink. That’s the only touch of make-up on her beautiful face. It doesn’t matter. She doesn’t need any.

I bet guys must lose their minds over her. Figuratively.

She twists on her couch and clears her throat. “Um, no. Not right now.”

“Why not?”

“I haven’t met anyone interesting in a while.”

“So, what do you do for sex?”

I can’t believe I said that but I’m genuinely curious. I’ve always been curious.

If I’m stuck here with a therapist, I might as well make some use of it. If she wants to talk, we can talk about interesting stuff. Stuff that I’ve always wanted to ask and never got a chance to.

I couldn’t ask my mom. She wouldn’t have liked it. I think according to her, I’m still a pre-teen who hasn’t even gotten her period and thinks kissing could make babies.

Josie laughs. “I’m sorry?”

Not gonna lie. I like that this question is making her a little uncomfortable, if her squirming is anything to go by. This is a complete win-win.

“For sex. What do you do? One-night stands? Masturbation? I’m in the masturbation camp. You know, because I’m stuck here and all.”

She smiles, adjusting her glasses. “Ah, is this your revenge strategy? I asked you questions you didn’t like and you’re trying to make me uncomfortable.”

Yes.

I shrug, innocently. “I’m just making conversation. You said you cared.”

“Well, to answer your question, masturbation is keeping me happy for now, so I think I’m managing,” she says.

I jump topics. “What about my books? There’s not a single Harry Potter book in your library. You guys should do something about it. It’s a travesty.”