Dreams of 18(111)

Everything is different, yet it’s still the same.

I still feel the same way about him. I still have the same urgency in me to kiss him. But before he can close his mouth on me, I whisper against his lips, “Graham?”

“Yeah?”

“I hate the beach too.”

“You do?”

“Uh-huh. Too many people.”

“Yeah, too many people.”

“And I don’t think I like poetry all that much.”

“You don’t, huh?”

“Nope. I think I like it better when you talk dirty to me.”

A muscle jumps in his cheek and I know it’s lust. “I’ll keep that in mind, Jailbait.”

“You do that, Strawberry Man.”

He comes closer to me but I stop him once again. “Oh, one more thing.”

“What?”

“I love you.”

He puffs out a breath over my lips, his eyes widening a fraction as if he still can’t believe it. Still can’t believe I love a man like him.

“I love you too, baby,” he whispers.

And then, he’s kissing me.

On the same spot.

In the same backyard with probably the same people who’re sleeping right now around the neighborhood.

Or maybe not.

Maybe they’re not sleeping.

Because I think the new owners just turned on their lights. And another one came on in my own house.

Whoops.

I think I woke up everyone with my kiss again.

It’s okay.

Because in his arms, I’m wildness and beauty. And in mine, he’s my beast.

It’s okay because I’m kissing the man of my dreams and he’s kissing me back.





Someone is watching me.

It’s a girl.

I didn’t notice her before. I was staring at my phone, trying to look at the list of things I need from the grocery store before I can go home.

Man, I so want to go home but there’s still a ton of stuff left to buy. And I don’t plan on getting out in the world for the next couple of weeks, so it has to be now.

Plus, it’s a big day tomorrow.

Like, really big. Phone will be ringing off the hook.

First, I’ll get calls from all my girls – The Heartstone Sisters – Renn, Penny and Willow, who just had the cutest baby girl ever, Fallon. Ah, I can’t wait to babble with that little cutie on FaceTime.

After that, I’m sure Brian will call too.

I haven’t seen him since Christmas last year when he came to visit with his new girlfriend. That’s still going strong actually, and I couldn’t be happier for him.

Then again, that guy dates a lot like he did back in high school. So far none of the girls have stuck around and the wish I made for him the day he came to see me in Connecticut two years ago is still unfulfilled.

But I’m keeping my fingers crossed that this is the real deal. That my best friend finally falls in love after the inadvertent pain we caused each other.

Oh and my mom might call too.

We talk occasionally and over the last two years, we’ve come closer. I’m still convinced that it was the story about my real dad that helped pave the way. Although, it could also be the fact that she’s waiting for the day I’ll wake up from my dream and get my heart broken – since I chose to run away from Connecticut again, despite all her warnings to give up hope – so she can pick up the pieces and say I told you so.

But the thing is I’m not waking up again.

The thing is I live in a new world now.

A world of dreams. A dreamland.

Anyway, I’ve got another person in my life, my sister, Fiona. Although I don’t think she’s calling. We hardly ever talk and some people in my life don’t like her.

Well, one person in my life doesn’t like her all that much. He doesn’t even like my mother all that much either, but he tolerates her because I tell him to be nice to her.

Which reminds me I have to tell him again because big day tomorrow.

But that’s not the point.

The point is that a girl is staring at me.

It’s not a very hard stare, honestly.

The girl who’s doing it is looking at me for a few seconds before focusing away, toward the fresh vegetables; we’re at the produce section.

So the prickling – the thing that happens on my scalp and the back of my neck when someone stares at me for longer than acceptable – isn’t very continuous. It comes and goes with her eyes on me like a flash of lightning and maybe that’s why I missed it.

But I can feel it now.

I can feel the prickle. I can feel the flush spreading around my throat. I can feel my heart picking up speed and my doomsday brain banging.

Chaos.

That’s what anxiety is.

It’s mayhem inside your head. It makes you jumpy and restless. It makes you want to hide or run away to a place where there’s silence. And peace.

Yeah, it’s a peace-stealer, anxiety.

There are many ways to get rid of it and in the past, I’ve done it by taking the easy way out. By denying that it’s there or by using crutches.

But these days, I handle things head on.

It’s not easy. So before I can chicken out, I glance up from my phone and look directly at the girl.